Porcupine Embrace
by Kount Xero
Summary: After the disastrous kiss, tensions between Asuka and Shinji comes to a boiling point, whereby Asuka makes a major mistake without realizing it, causing Shinji to shut her out. When Shinji's sync rate skyrockets in the aftermath, the friction only increases, racing to the tipping point as the Twelfth Angel looms on the horizon. (not a shipfic, exactly)
1. Prologue (V)

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

_Author's Introduction: I don't own anything, its Hideaki Anno's baby. This is not a shipping fic, not in the conventional sense – it does have a very blatant Shinji / Asuka thing going on (which was the original intent,) but ended up becoming something else. It takes place before, during and after Episode 16 (the encounter with Leliel), but the timeline might be a bit wonky in some parts. I consider it to be an alternate take on a certain part of the canon storyline. This was fun (and harrowing) to write, went into unexpected territory, and ended up in a place of its own making. Out of habit, the chapters were all named after Zeromancer songs. The title is a play at the "Hedgehog's dilemma," as you might have guessed. Hope you enjoy it._

**Prologue**

**(V)**

"Hello."

"I brought you some lunch... or dinner. I'm sorry, I know it's kind of late for lunch..."

"I'm only allowed to bring in two at a time, I don't know why. It's just the rule. I would bring more if I could, honestly. Drinks, too. I'm sorry that I can't."

"I tried my hand at a kaiseki yesterday. It turned out better than I expected, but I couldn't pack anything steamed, not properly, so I did a triple portion of the sashimi instead. Misato found these little porcelain-like cups; Styrofoam, but painted to resemble them. Semi-insulated. The miso soup I made just before coming along, it should still be hot for a while."

"Oh, and, uhh... the second one is a bit simpler: rice and, well... NERV doesn't let me order foodstuffs for my own amusement unless it clears a checklist, something about hormonal balance... and there's a second checklist for this place. I was going to have them fly in some bratwurst and put that in as well. So instead I put in different kinds of sausages; plus, two halved tomatoes, some lettuce and packed in spices for a back-up."

"They don't let me get anything liquid in here. Especially that carbonated stuff you like. Too much caffeine. I'm sorry."

"...I know you won't speak to me. That you don't want to. I don't really understand any of it, but I know, at least."

"I just wish we could talk, still. I know I am talking, because I have to talk for two, since you won't. But it's not really a conversation, and it's... well, dull, after a while."

"I'll bring my cello tomorrow. You can listen to me play, not really well, mind you, but still. It'll be something different. Of course, not sure they'd let me in with it, but I don't intend to give them a choice. They know me as _the Commander's son, _high time I made someone think my father would do anything for my sake. Say his name, everyone's faces change. They say he's hardly ever around... wonder why that is. Wonder why that always was."

"Oh, while I remember... Unit 03 is being flown in from America. They won't tell us what it was, but from what Rei heard from my father, there was a Unit 04 too, but it... disappeared somehow. I have no idea what that means, either."

"We don't know who the pilot is yet. I hope it's someone good. I want to meet him, or her, but at the same time, I don't want to. I have many reasons, I think, but I guess it feels... too much like they'll be coming to fill your place."

"I've asked about that, too. Dr. Akagi says that it's not that. We'll just have four EVAs instead of three. She said... what was it... that we'd look for another pilot if you were to quit or... you know..."

"But that's good news, I mean, you are still the only pilot of Unit 02. You're still on the roster, and they're expecting you back. Dr. Akagi said there was no reason to change that."

"I've told you all that before, haven't I?"

"You know... there were times when I wished you just wouldn't say anything, wouldn't talk to me... but now, I can't think of anything I'd rather have you do."

"I'll go. I'll leave the food here."

"Well, then. Goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow."  
"...why?"

He stopped, one foot out the door. He turned to glance at her. She hadn't moved. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, her hands on her lap, staring at her palms. Her hair was masking her face.

He considered his response. It'd have to be perfect, it wouldn't do to have it any less – but he didn't understand the question. It could have been any number of things.

_But then again, when have I ever been able to read her?_

"Why what?" he asked.

"...why do you keep coming back?"


	2. The Pygmalion Effect

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 1  
"The Pygmalion Effect"**

**1**

The walk back home was non-existent by now – a transitional event, not worth remembering. Besides, Shinji had gotten so used to walking it, to school and back, that he could practically traverse the pathway blindfolded and with his headphones on. He even knew which of the street lights would allow him to cross when, how many of those he'd have to pass... all the minute details of the path had become second-nature to him. The ear buds in his ear, the sound of music filling his mind, his entire being. Track 25, always, always Track 25 at this precise intersection, three steps to the end of the curb, four if you dragged your feet or took small steps, and if he hadn't stayed for cleaning duty, that meant that there would be a five to seven second wait before he could cross. The old lady from down the road wouldn't be there, because today was a Thursday and she wasn't-

Shinji collided with something soft yet sturdy, an object that wasn't supposed to be where it was standing now. He stumbled in place, his limbs temporarily losing coherence. He tripped over his own shoe, spun halfway around before finally finding his footing and noticing that in the process, he had lost his earphones. He found the cable dangling from his pocket, he pulled them up. Before he could put them back on, however, a very familiar voice made him freeze in place.

"Watch where you're going, you-"

Asuka. Upon seeing Shinji, she stopped herself short. She curtly turned away and put her hands on her hips. Her foot began tapping impatiently.

The last three days had been weird. Ever since that strange, suffocating kiss, Shinji had found himself on the receiving end of, as always, Asuka's annoyance. He was sure that it had more to do with the fact that her precious Mr. Kaji was back with Misato, or so it seemed. She hadn't spoken to him at all. She had always made a point of not being in the same room as him, going as far as raising her Wall of Jericho if he had to be in the living room. She had made a point of passing the boxed lunch he had prepared for her to Hikari, as loudly and apparently as possible, constantly apologizing that she had to eat so bad a bento, but her stomach just couldn't take it. Hikari had cast a few confused looks at Shinji, but had eaten it nonetheless. She had managed to tell him, in hushed whispers out of Asuka's sight and earshot that his cooking was excellent, that maybe he could teach her a few things.

Of course none of that was nearly as bad as the silence. It was almost piercing. Shinji could feel it pricking, and he was sure that he was, after a fashion, bleeding.

He just didn't understand.

What had he done, exactly? It couldn'tve been the kiss, because that, apparently, had been so horrible that she had had to rinse her mouth out afterwards.

Shinji remembered it differently. He remembered her soft lips, gently pressing against his. He remembered freezing where he stood as the sensation had spread throughout his body, starting with his lips. He remembered the warmth of her, her closeness, and being unable to feel for what he was supposed to do. Sure, he had seen a few movies and read a few books, but that didn't tell him anything at all – and by the way she had been holding his nose, she thought it was some sort of a choking competition where the length of the kiss was determined by when one couldn't take not breathing.

Still. The kiss, as strange and suffocating as it had been... had felt nice. Apparently, this sentiment was one-sided, because Asuka hadn't said word one about it since.

The green light for them to cross came on, and Asuka stomped across the street, followed by Shinji, who was dragging his feet. He didn't want to go back home. At school or in the city, there were places he could run away to, even though he mustn't, where he could be safe from her hostile silence. But at home, he had no place to go. He could only spend so much time in his own room, and his homework, despite Asuka's belief that it was always left unfinished, would be over quickly.

Maybe he'd start preparing dinner first thing. It'd give him something to do.

**2**

Asuka, sitting on the couch and reading the stupid kanji list for the umpteenth time, watched Shinji cook up a storm out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't help it. His passion for the culinary arts came through loud and clear. When he was in the kitchen, his normally slouched posture and shaky grip on anything went away. Shinji the Idiot was replaced by a straight-backed, confident, precise Chef Ikari. His distractions and daydreaming were demolished in favor of focus.

She remembered the first and probably only German word he knew, that he had thought about in the entry plug of her Unit 02. Baumkuchen. The tree cake. _Of course_ that'd be the first thing he thought of. It was, she had been surprised to learn, well-known in Japan. For someone who-

Asuka turned back to the stupid kanji. Hah. What did she care? He could be the world's greatest chef and it still wouldn't change the fact that he was an idiot. A bumbling apology-machine who handed out his apologies for what they were – worthless.

Still, she couldn't keep her eyes from drifting in his direction. There was something about him when he was cooking...

_Stop it._

**3**

Misato called just as Shinji was preparing the stew. Asuka picked it up. She listened, and simply said 'okay' before hanging up and returning to her place on the couch. Shinji, knife still in hand, asked:

"What did she say?"

Asuka didn't respond. Shinji sighed, partially with frustration. This was starting to get on his nerves.

"What did Misato say?"

Asuka was silent.

Shinji decided that maybe he could irritate her into answering. It couldn't be worse than this – Misato was still in the NERV HQ, something bad could have happened, maybe another Angel had shown up, maybe...

"Hey, Asuka? What did Misato say? Was it bad? Is it another Angel?"

"Nothing. Stop asking."

Shinji found himself feeling angry at the hostility in her voice. It was a simple question. He lived under the same roof as her, and he had a right to know if it was something important. Yet, it didn't look like she would answer.

"Fine, don't tell me." Shinji said. He retrieved his SDAT player from the counter. He was about to put the earphones on, in almost desperate need for track 25, when Asuka's voice stopped him.

"She's not coming tonight. They're preparing the sync test for the day after tomorrow and Dr. Akagi is worried about Rei... for whatever reason. They're gonna give her an extra turn at the plug. Commander's pet."

Shinji nodded. Then he felt stupid for doing so – it's not like she was looking at him.

"The stew's just about done, so dinner's almost ready. I also made-"

"I'm not hungry."

Her stomach growled audibly, and Asuka clenched her teeth. She had to admit that despite the act she had been putting on, Hikari's bento was miles from good. Everything in it tasted slightly stale, undercooked or overcooked, sometimes all at once. She had the basic procedures down pat, it seemed, but couldn't get a grip on the groove of cooking itself. And she, being far more inactive than the pilot, ate quite a lot less. Asuka had been spending the latter parts of the last three days hungry.

A part that she refused to acknowledge missed Shinji's cooking, so much that even the faint smell of the stew he had been making made her mouth water. She tried to ignore it. Misato wasn't there. There was no reason to make known the fact that she'd kill for a bite.

Shinji eyed Asuka curiously. Did she really think that he would buy that?

"You have to eat sometime."

"Shut up, you idiot."

"Come on, I _know_ you're hungry. Why won't you just... you know..."

"As if I want to eat something you cooked. I said I'm not hungr-"

"Okay, that's _it!_"

Asuka turned her head to see Shinji pull his apron over his head and, the SDAT player still in hand, toss it onto the kitchen counter.

**4**

"What the hell is the matter with you? What did I do wrong?" Shinji asked, "Why're you riding me?"

Asuka bit her tongue on the truth. She'd never give him the satisfaction.

"I must have done something, I mean... whatever I did, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry."

"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?" Asuka asked, slowly standing up.

"I don't!" Shinji admitted, "I don't even know why you hate me so much!"

"Hate you? My, don't we think highly of ourselves? I barely notice you, you dimwit, I barely care that you exist!"

Shinji's eyes flared with a sudden flash of pure, unrestrained rage. Asuka felt a little taken aback when he stomped around the couch and walked up to her. She smiled, feeling her own anger course through her. There it was, his impotent rage. She had seen it before, she knew what was coming: a tantrum.

She didn't expect what actually came.

**5**

"Enough is enough." Shinji snarled. He was feeling what it was like to finally let loose, to finally venture past breaking point, "I don't even know what I did, but then again, I don't ever know what I do to tick you off! I don't ever know! You're always on my case about _something_ so I guess I can't do anything right, anything at all!"

"Got it on the first try." Asuka said, "You may not be a complete idiot, after all."

"What's your _problem!?_ Ever since that night, you-"

"Don't you dare go there. Don't you even think about it! It never even happened!"

"God's sake – what do you want from me!?" Shinji shouted, "What do you want?"

Asuka's eye twitched.

"What makes you think I want anything from _you_..?"

She looked Shinji dead in the eye, and the cold, pure hatred he saw made him shiver.

"And what makes you think... even for a moment... that even if I did want something, you'd be able to give it to me?"

Asuka could feel her blood boiling. Three days was such a short time, but it was all coming to a head in that moment. It was moving her tongue, shaping her words.

"What do I want? I want you to go away." She said, "I want you to go the fuck away."

"Why?" Shinji said, feeling his scalp itch. He was close to losing it, "For God's sake, Asuka - what did I do?"

"See that!?" Asuka said, index finger poking Shinji's forehead, "It's not what you do, you idiot, it's who you _are!_ You're not just a spineless wimp, you're lazy, too! You expect me to tell you what's wrong, so you can mumble some half-hearted apology, like," her voice dropped a few notes and became a parody of Gendo more than Shinji, "'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mustn't run away, and I love saying that as I run away as fast as I can. I'm sorry. Did I mention I was sorry?' You're pathetic!"

"At least I am capable of saying that!" Shinji said, "At least I know that words like 'sorry' and 'apology' exist! You, you're so damn _perfect_ that it's never your mistake, is it? It's always everyone else's! It's always them, never you, God you're self-centered!"

"Guess it takes one to know one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Asuka growled in frustration as her hands pulled at her hair.

"Ugh! It's even impossible to have a decent fight with you!" she shrieked, "You can't even follow the damn script!"

"Script? What, you rehearsed all this or something!?"

Asuka clenched her teeth, feeling her frustration hit the roof. She had. She had actually spent a sizeable chunk of the interim coming up with things to say. She had tweaked them to make sure that she would mean only some of it after the fact. If it hadn't been for that annoying little voice in her head that was telling her that she meant every word, so much so that she didn't mean any of it...

But Shinji calling her out on it had never been part of that.

Asuka felt her urge to wing it take over. She looked for something, anything, to become an outlet for her anger. Her eyes found the SDAT player in his hand. With a swift move, she snatched it clean from his fingers.

"What do you know!?" Asuka said, "All day long you walk around with _this_ stupid thing on and go on your way like a zombie! Hell, if it wasn't for Kensuke and Toji taking pity on you, you would be listening to this full time!"

"Asuka, please, give that back..." Shinji's expression shifted from one of anger to one of absolute worry, "Please..."

"And why are you so hung up on this thing anyway!?" Asuka said, feeling the plastic exterior of the device crackling in her firm grip, "Is it because nobody else in the whole wide world want anything to do with something so limited, so obsolete? Do you feel special with it?"

"Asuka, please-"

"Why are you always playing with this?"

"I'm not playing with it, it's not a _doll_, so please just..."

Asuka waved it around, like the last drop she was dangling above the already full cup. Shinji's eyes were glued to it, darting in every direction that Asuka's hand was moving it to.

"Please, Asuka, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay, I didn't mean-"

Asuka's eyes flared up at that word. If he said that one more time...

"Please, please, give it back... Asuka, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to say any of that, just... please just... plea-NO!"

Asuka, letting out a growl, wound her arm back and then threw the SDAT player at the wall.

**6**

The SDAT player flew in a straight line and crashed into the wall. The sound of hard plastic cracking erupted form it as it was shattered to pieces – jagged-edged shards of what used to be his tape player scattered across the carpet. PenPen, watching from his cooling unit, decided that now might be a good time to disappear. The humans around him had a funny way of dealing with their possessions, and this kind of thing never ended well.

Asuka watched in shock and a bit of guilt as all color drained from Shinji's face. He had eyes like saucers. His mouth was hanging half-open. Frozen in place, he was staring at the wreck on the ground. However, Asuka noticed a small movement: his hands were slowly curling into fists. His anger was palpable, and with his jaw closing until his teeth were grinding into one another, it became tangible enough for Asuka to see that if she didn't say something, anything, to allay the situation, she'd be facing what she called the wrath of the meek. Her hand seemed to move on its own accord, fingers outstretched, reaching for him. She hadn't meant for that to happen, she really hadn't. Her anger seemed to have deserted her quick.

Asuka found herself, even as she was reaching for his shoulder, wondering why he was this angry. Yes, she had broken his tape player and yes he did use it habitually to shut the world out, but it was, above all else, replaceable. NERV gave them all the entertainment technology they wanted. Hell, why wasn't he using a minidisc player anyway? They held more data, you didn't have to go through the hurdles of creating a mixtape if you wanted, they didn't degrade quite as easily, the sound quality was better and they were more portable – it fit into the palm of her hand. If anything, it'd be an improvement.

Yet his reaction was telling her that he wasn't just a laggard in adopting technology.

"You know what..?" Shinji said, his voice so cold, it made Asuka shiver. She opened her mouth, without even knowing what to say. What could she say? That she was sorry? Was she, even? Part of her was still angry, part of her was viciously ticked off and thought that this was good. Good, he had broken something of hers, and now she had broken something of his. But this, the reaction she was seeing, it was... not what she had expected.

Asuka realized that she had, unknowingly, done something terrible, something worse than she had intended.

Shinji spoke again and Asuka felt her heart stop for a moment as he hissed the words out through clenched teeth.

"_...fuck it."_

**7**

Shinji, without looking at Asuka, slowly walked to the door. He slipped on his shoes and retrieved his light, tan NERV jacket from the coat hanger on the wall.

Asuka was all tongue-tied watching him getting ready to leave.

_Say something, say something, say something, say something, damn you! This isn't normal! He wouldn't-_

Shinji slammed the door behind him.

Asuka hesitated. Maybe she should go after him?

Hell with that. Stupid Shinji.

Well, might as well get smart, she thought, and see how to make it better. She turned and examined the wreckage of the tape player. She went over and one by one gathered all of the pieces of it she could find. She laid them all out on the dining table and sat down. This would be a walk in the park. She was a genius. She was tech-savvy. How hard could it be to piece a tape player back together?

She could fix this. She could fix it.

Two minutes with the pieces told her, however, that she couldn't. The SDAT player was gone. Some components had been broken in two, and some components that she was sure would find her feet later on were missing. The tape player was now only junk.

Asuka stared at the broken puzzle in front of her. Why this thing? Why had it taken this piece of junk to finally send him over the edge? Why was it so important?

And more importantly, what had happened?

_What do you think happened, Asuka-chan?_ a shrill voice whispered, _you hurt him. You wanted to hurt him, and you did. You should be happy. He looked _really_ upset._

_Shut your face. I didn't want _this.

_Keep telling yourself that._

She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. No. This was nothing. This was salvageable, at worst. So the tape player was broken. At best, she could have NERV secure her a new one. Mr. Kaji didn't like her spending NERV resources on such things, but allowances could be made, and upon Dr. Akagi's somewhat overwhelming insistence, the EVA Pilots were given preferential treatment beyond the telling of it. With some luck, some arm-twisting and some charm, she could have the new SDAT player in by tomorrow evening.

Of course, the other, just as likely scenario was a little different. If she couldn't find or find the means to acquire a perfect replacement, she would go for the minidisc player that NERV was handing out like candy to its employees. They had a large library, and she could have all of Shinji's music written onto discs and ready to go.

"Oh, what do I care!?" she said, as if only now catching her own thoughts. But the image of him standing there, fists clenched, almost trembling with anger told her that she should. This was, whether she had been thinking about it at the time or not, her doing.

**7**

Asuka ate. Although it was only lukewarm by the time she had gotten around to it, the stew was still beyond delicious. It was a celebration of taste itself, and to her hungry mouth, it was a slice of heaven-above-heaven. Halfway through her second bowl, however, it started to go stale as the thought of Shinji just slamming the door and leaving crept in. With every following mouthful, the food lost a little bit more of its taste until Asuka pushed it aside, feeling that she couldn't eat another bite.

Huffing in frustration, she took the bowl and tossed it into the sink. She leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms.

It was true. That little bitch in her head was right. She had wanted to hurt him, sort of. She had wanted to get under his skin, she had wanted to get to him, to bug him so much that he'd explode. Make him feel cornered, that there was no way to escape, and then maybe, see him blow up. In short, she admitted with a little bit of pain, she had wanted him to feel what she had felt.

Instead, what she had managed to see was Shinji Ikari imploding.

This wasn't what she wanted. This wasn't what she had tried to do. But there was no helping it now. Maybe she'd talk to him when he got back. She knew that she could be charming when she needed to be. It worked on Mr. Kaji every time.

It could at least get him on the level.

So Asuka reluctantly got back on the couch and took her notes on kanji. Five minutes was all it took to decide that she couldn't be bothered with it. She could read and write just fine, and the whole multiple-meanings-depending-on-how-it-was-written thing seemed to be trivia, nothing more. She set the notes aside, and turned on the TV. There was nothing on. Her eyes kept darting towards the door, almost waiting for him to come shuffling back in.

He had to come home sometime. And when he did, maybe she'd talk to him. Yes, that was it. She'd do that.

**8**

Asuka waited and waited and finally fell asleep on the couch.


	3. Teenage Recoil

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 2  
"Teenage Recoil"**

**1**

Asuka woke up to her perpetually-set alarm clock ringing in her room. She felt sore all over; sore and cold. The TV was still droning on in the background, and Asuka noted that it probably had been on all night. Misato hadn't come home, then.

She got up and stumbled across the living room. She went to the bathroom to wash up, splash some cold water on her face. Afterwards, she went to Shinji's room.

"Shinji..?" she called, gently. No answer.

She opened the door. His bed was undisturbed. Asuka entered and took a look at his wardrobe. It was a Friday, which meant he shouldn'tve had any white shirts. But there it was, a single solitary white shirt, hanging there. Asuka's brow furrowed. She looked at his desk. Two notebooks; one open, showing a page of algebra, the numbers in neat, even lines. Yesterday's homework, due Friday. Due today. A cold feeling settled into the pit of her stomach. If anything, Shinji was meticulous with his schoolwork. Hell, half of his class was copying his notes – Toji, that oaf, couldn't make it through the week without Shinji lending him his homework.

All of this told her one thing: he hadn't come home last night.

But he had to come. If nothing, he had to come to pick up his school stuff, and they were all right here, sprawled across his desk and tucked away in their neat little places. Asuka checked the clock by his bed. By her approximations, he'd drop in soon, in about five to ten minutes. There was no need to worry. No need to worry at all.

Asuka took her time to delve into his little archive. If she was going to find a replacement for the damn thing, she had to know what exactly he was listening to. She found a lot of old pop, mixed with some classical and a couple of dated, what-the-hell-are-these-still-doing-here tapes. Huh. Interesting choices. Asuka shrugged. There was no accounting for taste. She made a list in her head.

Asuka went to get ready. She put on her stupid uniform, sorted out her hair once more, looked to see if she had all the necessary things. When she was satisfied that everything was ready, she headed for the door, only to stop in the middle of the living room. She looked at the dining table and saw the pieces of the destroyed SDAT player. Maybe Shinji had come back, and had seen it. She couldn't have that. She went to the table and swept the pieces into her skirt, then went to her room and deposited them onto her bed.

She heard the apartment door open, followed immediately by Misato's voice, which carried that rough, sharp tone of anger.

"...were you thinking!? I'd understand if you and Asuka had had a fight, God knows you two haven't been on the best of terms these last few days, but couldn't you have stayed at Toji's or something?"

Asuka took a deep breath and stepped into the living room.

"And getting into a fight, on top of all that, seriously, Shinji..." Misato ran a hand through her hair. Asuka looked at Shinji's hands. His knuckles were skinned, almost to the bone.

_A fight? Him?_

"Ah, Asuka!" Misato exclaimed upon spotting her. Asuka notice dark circles around her eyes. Her hair was frizzed up, and her clothes looked rumpled. She hadn't gotten much sleep last night, that much was clear, "You're ready for school?"

Asuka nodded, eyeing Shinji. He wasn't looking at her. Asuka felt anger clawing at her throat. Who did he think he was?

"You go on ahead." Misato said, "I'll drive Shinji today."

"Why?"

"Because he thought it was a good idea to spend the night in the park halfway down the hill." Misato said, "And he needs to freshen up before he goes... to say the least."

Asuka fought to hide her surprise. The park? Not only hadn't he come home at all, but he had spent the night in the damn park!?

_What the hell's going on?_

"So, you go on ahead." Misato said.

"See ya, then." Asuka mumbled before brushing past them.

Shinji was looking at the floor.

**2**

Asuka had to admit that the walk to school was boring without him around. With him, she knew she could bullshit all she wanted, and he'd be listening, if only half-heartedly. She'd work her way towards something about him, something small and insignificant, and then work that angle. Poke fun at him, get him to respond, to object. Despite his ability to hold a conversation when so inclined, Asuka had found out that he would never be the one to get it rolling, so that meant that the job was hers.

Wasn't that the problem? Hadn't that created the problem in the first place?

Shinji was an idiot, that much, Asuka knew, and it had nothing to do with her dislike for his many facets. He just wouldn't take a hint, ever.

As Asuka stopped at that street light, she couldn't keep her mind from drifting back to the memory of that kiss.

Her face started to burn red hot with both the recollection and the anger. She still remembered, she could still feel it. She had imagined that he would reciprocate. He hadn't any experience, and neither had she, which, she had thought, left him with the same pool of resources to make it through as her. Movies, manga, books, imagination. They would be, as much as she had trouble believing –and, she had to admit, begrudgingly, sort of wishing- they could be, on even ground. Maybe now he wouldn't be so shy, maybe now he would use the shallow pool of resources and...

Asuka clenched her teeth, her anger bubbling to the surface once more.

_What was the use of it? What was the point of you? You wouldn't even hold me. You wouldn't even touch me!_

_You won't even look at me._

Asuka could already hear that little voice.

_Asuka-chan, tut tut. That's your fault, now, isn't it?_

**3**

Hikari was rather cheery, chatting up a storm, telling Asuka something-or-other about cooking, and though her conditioned split-attention was keeping up with her just fine ("...it's just that takoyaki takes a lot of fine-tuning, and I think I should be able to use it to teach myself to cook more precisely. I really want... a special someone to...") she was more focused on the disturbing silence of Shinji Ikari, who was just standing in the doorway.

Upon noticing him, Hikari stood up, the balls of her hands pressing down her skirt. She always did that, Asuka noted, before going to scold someone. She stomped up to him, but was stopped by him holding up a bento box without a word. Hikari hesitated. Shinji he just stood there like a mannequin, but Asuka saw his lips move, soundlessly. Finally, Hikari took the bento, prompting Shinji to go to his desk, whereby he was immediately taken over by Toji and Kensuke. Asuka was about to turn her attention fully back to Hikari, because damn that idiot and whatever mood he was in now, when she saw Shinji take out his notebook and pass it to Toji. Toji opened it.

"Wha-? Shinji, hey, man, ya feelin' okay?" Toji asked, "This's like, half done, ya never do these things halfway!"

"What!? Lemme see!" Kensuke practically leapt at the notebook, "Holy hell, it's true! You feelin' alright, buddy? Not coming down with a fever or something, are you?"

"Whoah, what happened to your hands?"

Shinji looked up, just for a second, and Asuka turned away. She had never seen his eyes like that. Vacant, completely devoid of life.

Upon turning, however, she saw a bento box on her desk.

"What's this!?" Asuka asked.

"Oh, umm... Ikari-kun gave it to me. It's yours. Or, if you want to trade again, it's mi-"

Asuka placed her hand on the box. It was warm.

"I'll keep it today." She said.

**4**

By the fourth period, Asuka was certain that she was just about to scream loud enough to shatter all the windows of the school. The classes themselves were unremarkable, apart from her having to use her split-attention due to one half of her mind and perception being tied up trying to get a grip on Shinji. The recess periods were the worst.

He was just sort of... sitting there. Toji and Kensuke were working overtime with their bickering, at one point delving into the subject of EVA designs (Kensuke's, ahem, "observation" that red stood out too much in any terrain and gave Unit 02 a handicap got Asuka's knuckles itching to meet a face,) to no effect at all. Shinji mumbled one half-hearted comment, that lasted about three words, per subject and Asuka found herself unable to listen to Hikari. She couldn't split her attention three ways.

She found herself... no, worried wasn't the word. Why the fuck would she worry, and about him, too? She was more disturbed, yes, that was the word, disturbed. Petrubed. It was because he was disrupting the routine, yes, why not – he wasn't himself at all.

Beyond anything else, Asuka was frustrated.

_What am I missing, here?_

Asuka considered it. She grudgingly admitted that there was only one thing to do – talk to him. She was cornered, and she knew it. She couldn't have Hikari ask him, because she didn't want him to know that she was confused about the whole ordeal. The real doll hadn't shown up on that day, on account of whatever synchronization problems they were smoothing over at the HQ. Shinji's "friends" were absolutely out of the question – she wouldn't sink that low if the world was ending.

For some reason, just going up to him and talking about it seemed like the hardest thing in the world.

**5**

Asuka enjoyed Hikari's company as she wolfed down her lunch, so much so that Hikari had to note she was eating like she was furious at the rice balls. Asuka mumbled something about having skipped breakfast between mouthfuls, which was more or less true. She had prepared for the time where she'd have to semi-aggressively claim half of Hikari's lunch as her own. She hadn't expected Shinji to still bring something for her.

"Ikari is a bit down today." Hikari commented, "Have you noticed?"

"No. I really haven't."

"Wonder what happened to his hands?" Hikari went on, taking a sausage cut up to resemble an octopus, "You've heard, right? He got in a fight and beat the guy senseless."

"That's ridiculous." Asuka commented, "Haven't you ever seen him, or something? He's a shrimp!"

"What did you call it once... the wrath of the meek?"

Asuka swallowed hard and nodded.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he packed a punch. Despite how he acts, Toji is really pretty strong, you know."

"Toji? What does that oaf have to do with anything!?"

"Oh, you don't know. That's right, I'm sorry."

"Know what?"

"The first time Shinji piloted the EVA, he accidentally put Toji's sister in the hospital."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. For the pilot that was fabled to have had _41%_ the moment he had sat in the entry plug, that was surprising. Heh. She knew that, despite his considerable skill, most of it was just hype.

"Toji found him and got him." Hikari laid down her chopsticks, "Twice. Had Ikari on the ground with the first punch."

"He is sorta built, I'll give him that." Asuka said, "Of course, that's not saying much..."

"After, I heard, Ikari helped him during the second attack. And I'm glad that he did. The idiot rushed outside of the shelter in the middle of it..." a wave of anguish passed through Hikari, and she shuddered, "After that, Toji decided that Ikari had to even things out between him."

"Even things out?"

"Asked Ikari to hit him, hard as he could."

Asuka threw the last bite into her mouth and hid her surprised behind her focused, almost driven chewing.

"And he did...I didn't see it myself, but the girls who have, told me that it was quite a punch coming from someone 2/3rds Toji's size. If that's true, then it's... impressive."

Asuka stood up without a word and hurried out of the classroom.

**6**

When Asuka made it to the roof, she wasn't disappointed. She had been right. Kensuke and Toji, the dumb duo, had gone off somewhere, and with the real doll absent, it only left him the roof to go to.

True to form, he was there. He was alone, as Asuka had guessed. She gently closed the door behind her and steadied herself. She took a moment to take him in. He was lying on his back, hands tucked under his head, staring at the sky. Asuka noticed that she was, indeed, very much used to seeing him with his earphones on whenever he was alone – their absence was a minor, yet off-putting detail.

_I don't even know why I'm here._ She told herself, _Why can't I just let him mope, like he will, anyway?_

_Because I feel responsible._

_Because you _are_ responsible, Asuka-chan._

_Because it's not adding up. That's it. Why would he get in a fight? What fight on this Earth could let him walk away without so much as a crease on his shirt, but would skin his knuckles to the bone?_

_I'm..._

Asuka exhaled. She then held her hands behind her, put on a smile, and approached him. He didn't hear her, and if he did, he didn't react, so Asuka bent down over him.

"Hey, Shinji."

Shinji blinked. He slowly stood up, which was when Asuka's eyes caught his bento box. It was still half-full.

"You want the roof?" he asked as he stood up and wiped his hands on his pants, "I'll leave."

He managed to take five steps towards the stairway door when Asuka's voice, in an extremely unfamiliar tone, stopped him.

"Wait."

Shinji didn't turn around.

"What's going on?" Asuka asked.

Shinji didn't say anything.

"What happened to your hands?"

"Didn't you hear?" he shrugged, "I got into a fight. I won. Nearly killed him."

"Who with?"

"What do you really want?"

"What..?"

"You want me to do something, don't you? So what is it?"

Asuka raised an eyebrow. What?

"What makes you say that? Maybe I just want to talk. Maybe I just-"

"You're..." Shinji said, "Never mind."

_Oh, come on! How am I supposed to get anywhere if _this _is what I'm given to work with?_

"I just... I want to talk!" Asuka said, defensive, "That's it, that's what I want. Talk to me."

_Does that mean he was right?_

Shinji was silent. Asuka felt like tearing off every strand of hair on her head and eating her sync clips afterwards. She swallowed it down, just for the moment's sake.

"Things got out of hand last night." She said, "I didn't mean for that to happen. It wasn't... it wasn't what I wanted. I was just..."

"Why do you hate me so much?"

Asuka felt the question as she would a physical blow. There was nothing in his voice, posture or manner of asking it that suggested anger on his part. No, if she was reading this right, he sounded... resigned.

"Hate..."

"I... thought we were friends." Shinji said, turning to face her this time, "I always tried to be nice to you. I..." his hands curled into fists, "I know –I knew- that you never really liked me. From the moment we met, you let me know what you thought of me – that I was beneath you."

Asuka could feel her heart pounding in her temples. Was it anger? Sadness? Shock? All? She wasn't sure.

Maybe it was just a bit of regret?

"I never said that." Asuka said, aware of how pathetic that defense was, "I never said-"

"You didn't have to." Shinji said, "Anyway. I know we have to work together. We're pilots. You, me and Ayanami, we're... we have to be able to work together. And you're always great out there. And I know how much it means to you, so... no matter what... I won't screw that up for you if I can help it."

Asuka's lips were glued to one another. Her throat was itching. So many words had gotten stuck there, all knotted up, trying to get loose and wanting to be the first to get out.

"I'll be your backup, and I'll do all those things that I have to do in order to keep... well, you know. In order to keep us functional. But that's... I'm sorry, Asuka, but that's it for me. I tried. I really did, and I know it didn't –that I don't- mean anything to you at all," something was screaming inside Asuka, ", but I'd just hoped we could've been friends. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't a better person than I am for you to even consider it."

Shinji turned away, headed for the stairs. Asuka's lips were trembling. She had grabbed a handful of her shirt and wasn't letting go. Her iron will and stubborn determination was all that was keeping her in one piece.

"Shinji..."

Shinji opened the door.

"I'm..." _you can say it. You owe him that much, just say it. _"I'm sorry."

"You don't even know."

"Just don't..."

_Don't hate me! Please don't go! Don't go! Stop him, Asuka-chan, stop him, stop him!_

"I'm sorry, okay? There, I said it, now..."

"You don't even know what you're sorry for." Shinji said, without a hint of malice in his voice, "You don't know anything."


	4. Ammonite

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 3  
"Ammonite"**

**1**

There was one thing Asuka and Shinji had in common when it came to their EVAs, which also went for the sync tests. The moment the entry plug started to fill up with LCL. It only got worse from there on out, blind, overriding panic rising along with the liquid. Once it'd rise over their heads, they'd instinctively hold their breaths, and unable to do so, they'd exhale, letting LCL fill up their mouths and lungs. The fear went away after that, but it was the same every time, no matter how many times they had done it, both Shinji and Asuka still despised every obligatory second of it.

Once they were settled in, the com-line opened and Misato's voice reverberated through the entry plugs.

"_Are you guys all settled in? Are you ready?"_

"Yes." Shinji said, his voice devoid of all human emphasis, mechanical. Asuka shivered.

"Yeah. I'm ready. Let's go." Asuka said.

"Affirmative." Rei said.

"_Good. We'll begin with the standard depth. Motor functions and basic movements only. The cap is 45%."_

"We got up at seven thirty for 45%?" Asuka asked.

"_Just do it."_

"Jeez, what is this, kiddy grade?" Asuka sighed, "So, Wondergirl." A slight hesitation, "Shinji. Up for it?"

No response.

"_Begin."_

**2**

Ritsuko lit up a cigarette and took a sip of lukewarm coffee from her cup. The observation room, decked out wall to wall with monitors and other equipment, smelled of heated silicon and plastic and was filled with the incessant clicking and ticking of spreadsheets being filled out. Her regular crew were in their respective places. Misato was right beside her, hands on her hips. Presently, Ritsuko was staring at the three adjacent monitors, each one showing one of their three pilots.

"How's Rei doing?" Misato asked.

"The monitor will tell you once the measurements can be taken." Ritsuko said, "Besides, her fluctuations are why we're here with all three of them."

"I still don't understand how its possible for her to start so low, reach so high and then fall below 21%."

Ritsuko stuck her free hand into her lab coat's pocket.

"It might be pilot fatigue. The sync-clips, LCL suspension, constant synchronization and detachment, it should be exhausting."

"The weekly evaluations didn't show anything."

"But Rei's sync ratio / time graph looks like a goddamn rollercoaster. It's- there we go."

Ritsuko and Misato both leaned forward to read the results.

**First Children: Rei Ayanami, 47%**

**Second Children: Asuka Langley Soryu, 52%**

**Third Children: Shinji Ikari, 60%**

"That's..." Misato couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

"Impressive." Ritsuko said. She leaned down and clicked the microphone on, "You're all doing good. Rei, you need to concentrate more."

"_I understand."_ Rei's voice.

"_So, we done?"_ Asuka asked.

"Not quite." Ritsuko said. She took her finger off of the microphone's button and cut the line, "Increase depth by 12%."

"Depth increased, 12%." Maya reported. Ritsuko leaned forward and clicked the microphone on once again.

"Now we'll go to physical synchronization – muscle memory, reflex and grace."

"_We're not damn ballerinas!"_ Asuka said.

"Maybe. Concentrate now. The cap is 65%."

**3**

Shinji could feel the entry plug sinking deeper. It felt like a pair of arms, smelling faintly of lavender, embracing him tighter.

**4**

"What the..." Misato squinted to make sure she was seeing properly.

**First Children: Rei Ayanami, 68%**

**Second Children: Asuka Langley Soryu, 72%**

**Third Children: Shinji Ikari, 80%**

"Misato," Ritsuko turned to her, "Did something happen to Shinji? Something good?"

"He... well, don't you already know? The surveillance should have told you by now. He got in a fight two nights ago."

"A fight? But there's no... he doesn't have a scratch on him."

"His knuckles were skinned to the bone. I'd say, if he did beat someone half to death, it could have boosted his confidence, but..." Misato shook her head, "I don't know, he's been very withdrawn afterwards. He was shut off in his room when he wasn't at school. His friends called to make sure he was okay yesterday evening."

"I refuse to believe," Ritsuko said, "That this sudden leap in his sync ratio is related to negative stimulus." She sighed, "Let's see if we can take this somewhere. Maya, increase plug depth by 30%."

**5**

Asuka could feel the entry plug sinking deeper. It felt like a pair of hands, merciless, were choking her. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. What, again? Why were they sinking deeper?

"_Pilots. Stage 3. Physical/mental synchronization. Intuition, restraint, mental faculties, EVA-to-pilot feedback. The cap is 85%. On my mark."_

Asuka shook the feeling off and focused.

**6**

"Makoto, get ready to cut the synchronization of the Third Children."

"Cut it off..?" Misato asked.

"To what, ma'am?" Makoto asked.

"Zero." Ritsuko said.

"Why?" Misato asked.

"If what I think will happen actually happens, it'll be necessary. Are you ready, Makoto?"

"Ready!"

Ritsuko turned the microphone on.

"_Begin."_

**7**

Rei could feel the depth the plug had sunk to. It felt like being entombed, or the way she imagined being entombed would be like – cold, dark and fathomless. She focused as best as she could, feeling her thoughts creaking under the pressure. It was nothing, she decided. Her EVA would understand, she would understand.

Rei always thought of her EVA as a woman.

**8**

**First Children: Rei Ayanami, 87%**

**Second Children: Asuka Langley Soryu, 90%**

"Why is it taking this long to measure his?" Misato asked, crossing her arms.

"Makoto, get ready to cut the connection." Ritsuko said, "Any second now."

The monitor blinked and displayed the number on its lower left.

**Third Children: Shinji Ikari, 115%**

"Cut it!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

Ritsuko spoke into the microphone.

"_All right. The test is over. Get out and head for the showers. The debriefing will be short."_

**9**

The pilots showered, each one isolated in their adjacent stalls. LCL, now gel-like, clung to their skin and it somehow always managed to get under the plug suit. It washed off easily enough, but the high-powered jets of somehow perfectly warm water felt like a hundred needles barely scraping the skin, and the fact that the end of the shower would inevitably lead to a walk of shame to the short, but somehow infinitely long hallway leading to the locker room.

The shower panels opened and let the pilots through. Rei was unaffected by her nudity, she walked as if status quo was preserved. Shinji would normally try to cover himself up, but today, he just shuffled along, wishing he had pockets to stick his hands into.

Asuka waited for them to clear the hallway and disappear through the double doors before getting out.

**10**

Ritsuko was waiting for them in between the lockers, chart in hand. She didn't seem to notice the three teenagers standing naked in front of her, and was even less interested when they started to put their clothes on.

"Now, here's the rundown." She said, "Rei, you're not down, but you're not up either. You're always barely above the cap. Your psych tests all come back fine, so I'm wondering if it's your body weighing your mind down. You will check in tomorrow for a complete physical."

"I understand." Rei said.

"Asuka."

Asuka slipped on her panties and looked up at Ritsuko.

"Good performance, as always. Above the cap, sync graphs are harmonized admirably. You maxed out at 90%. Good job."

Asuka could feel the conflict of the last two days roll off her shoulders. She smiled, feeling her lips stretch to the limit.

"Shinji." Ritsuko said.

Shinji, buttoning up his shirt, waited for her verdict.

"That was... unprecedented."

Asuka's smile faltered. It took a second, as if resisting, but then, vanished completely.

"What?" she asked.

"Your synchronization rate is well above the cap, and... to be perfectly honest, we're doing diagnostics to see if there was an equipment malfunction."

Another blow. Asuka swallowed, feeling the constriction in her throat. Her had gone dry.

"Diagnostics?" Shinji asked.

"You shouldn't let what I'm about to say go to your head. The higher you are, the harder you fall, and I'd hate to see it happen to you at this stage. Do you understand?"

Shinji nodded. Asuka held her breath.

"Your synchronization rate in the final test was 115%."

Asuka felt her mind come to a screeching halt. Everything contained inside her, her every thought, urge, impulse and emotion was completely steamrolled over by the fact that Ritsuko had just spelled out for everyone to see. One simple fact that she couldn't escape, that was sending shivers throughout her body, making her hands tremble: she had been beaten.

She had been bested by Shinji fucking Ikari.

"What does that mean?" Shinji asked.

_You fucking idiot! What the fuck do you think it means!? It means you're..._

"You're number one, as Misato put it." Ritsuko said, "You are our top pilot as of now. Like I said," she added hastily, "Don't let it get to your head."

Ritsuko left. The clacking of her low heels left behind a thick silence, pregnant with meaning.

**11**

Asuka couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. She could barely exist. There she was, dumbstruck, still unable to move or talk, watching Invincible Shinji Ikari slowly get dressed while humming a tune, probably one of those _fucking diabetes-inducing pop shits he likes so fucking much_.

No.

_This isn't real, this isn't happening. There is no way, just no fucking way I landed second place, with this wimp as my better!_

_Ritsuko did say they were going to check the equipment. That's what this is, an error. A glitch. That's what it is. That's what it has to be, that's the only way this makes any kind of sense._

_I mean, he was okay, for Shinji Ikari... he was actually kinda good..._

_No._

_He didn't beat me. He can't beat me. He just can't, and that's that. That's all there is to it._

_Ah, but Asuka-chan, there is more to it than that. That's not even why you're pissed off._

Asuka hated that whiny, shrill little voice in her head.

**12**

Asuka got dressed, trying her damndest not to just reach out and grab him by the throat and shake him good. Shake him loose, shake him to fucking pieces. She watched him out of the corner of her eye. He was buttoning up his shirt. Just like that, like today was a Tuesday and he was getting dressed after gym.

The smile on his face, the unpronounced, almost non-existent smile made her blood boil.

"Maybe..." Shinji said, mostly to himself, "Maybe Father will praise me again."

"Fat chance." Asuka said and watched the rather contented expression vanish from his face, "This is a fluke, a measurement error. And even if it isn't, it's a one-off."

Rei, out of the corner of her eye, watched Asuka, who put her hands on her hips.

"And besides, what're you gonna accomplish with a rate like 115? You'll feel every blow, every cut! You won't get cut yourself, but you'll feel it like you were! You'll be incapacitated right from the start!"

Shinji swallowed.

"Thanks." He said, "God forbid, I might have enjoyed that for a few more minutes there. Thanks for saving me."

He slammed his locker door and walked away without saying anything else. Asuka huffed. _Fine. Be that way. I'm the one who has to save your ass when you're moaning in pain out there. I'm the one who has to save you._

A thought surfaced, surprising her.

_I don't want you to be in pain._

Asuka caught Rei staring at her and shook off her thoughts. Something clicked in her head. She'd ignore the fucking doll glaring this once, if, the Commander's pet would answer a question.

"Hey, Wondergirl. You're an expert on all things Shinji Ikari. Tell me, what's up with him?"

"He was happy. You ended that."

Asuka grit her teeth.

"I mean, what's up in general? He's been acting weird."

"What's your interest in Ikari-kun?"

"I'm not _interested_!" Asuka protested, "I'm just... I'm just weirded out, that's all. He's walking around like a corpse! And besides, why would I need a reason? He's a co-pilot, and at this rate, he'll bring me down in the field."

There was a slight flicker in Rei's eyes that sent Asuka's frustration through the roof. A small, almost unnoticeable squinting, as if to say, I doubt that.

"Unlikely. For all intents and purposes, he is the number one."

"Like _shit_ he is! Sync rate doesn't do a damn thing out there! It's piloting skill, not how well you can feel your EVA!"

"That's irrelevant. If you want to know something about his thoughts, you should ask him. I am told that is the appropriate method."

"If I wanted advice, I wouldn't ask you! God, it's just a simple question! Do I gotta get the brass to sign an order for you to-"

"What happened between you and him?"

"H-how is that-"

"The answer to your question lies in the answer to this question."

Asuka bit her lower lip. Her mind was raging against the idea of actually sharing something, no matter how trivial, with a fucking doll.

"We... had a fight. It got out of hand... kinda."

"Did you damage his SDAT player during this fight?"

Asuka's eyes widened. She shivered. How..?

"How did you-"

"He always carries it in the side pocket of his duffel bag. Invariably. It was absent today."

"You give me the creeps, you know that?"

Rei didn't respond.

"So why is the fucking tape player so important? NERV gives us all the latest in consumer electronics. He can have all the music he wants at the snap of a finger, all it takes is a requisition form and for Misato to remember to submit it. Why's he so hung up on it? Tell me."

"The tape player belonged to Yui Ikari."

Asuka's heart skipped a beat. She felt like she had been doused with freezing cold water, followed by a shower of scalding hot water.

"Who is..?"

"Ikari-kun's mother. It was a birthday present, given to her by the Commander."

_Oh, fuck me with a chainsaw._

"How do you know that..?"

"The Commander told me."

Asuka let that slide.

"So it," Asuka started, trying to ignore the lump in her throat, "It had sentimental value..."

"According to what the Commander said, it is, or was, the only surviving memento of her that he did not destroy."

This was just getting better and better. Asuka could already feel the tingling in her chest, telling her that, yes, that was a riptide of thoughts, and it was about to tear her to shreds.


	5. Send Me An Angel

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 4  
"Send Me An Angel"**

**1**

Asuka was pacing her room in an admittedly small, but convenient circle. What that damned doll had said, what she had revealed, had just changed every fucking thing about what was otherwise a pretty tame incident. Now it wasn't just a fight, it wasn't just about taking her frustrations out on the one that had created them in the first place. Some things about the past four days, along with Shinji's ongoing awkward silence were starting to make sense.

Of course, where they converged was the one place she just didn't want them to go.

_I fucked up. But I didn't just fuck up, I fucked him up in the process. He only had the one thing to remind him of his mom, and I destroyed it. I just smashed the one thing he loved most to pieces._

The said pieces, Asuka knew, were tucked away in her desk drawer. She liked to pretend, in the past few days, that she could still fix it. Have a breakthrough, go back in and put it back together, good as new.

_But I didn't know. I didn't know it was this! How could I have known it was this?_

_Ah, but, Asuka-chan, it's not that you didn't know. You knew that it was important to him. You knew he cherished it. That's why you chose it – you knew it would hurt him more than what you could do or say._

Asuka hung her head. Yes, she had known. She had known it would hurt him, she had known it would make him feel a shred of what she had felt. But some part of her was aware, aware of the one thing that kept her pacing in the same circle: maybe she had done it just to drag him down, get him on the level with her.

Asuka was, almost preternaturally, aware of Shinji's presence in the house. Misato was absent again, as she had been the day after the sync test, locked up in NERV trying to do something-or-other with Rei and to re-examine test data. This left her alone with Mr. Number One, whom hadn't said word one to her, neither on the way to nor on the way back from nor during school. He had spent yesterday in his room, coming out only to use the bathroom, shower, or cook. She had tried to engage him, start a conversation or two, had even tried insulting him and start another fight, but he hadn't gone beyond the bare minimum of social contact.

He was walking around like a ghost. At school, he had barely talked to anyone and had disappeared for the roof soon as lunch hour began. He hadn't taken notes in class, he hadn't answered any of the stupid teachers' stupid questions. He had just sat there until school was over.

Asuka stopped her pacing. She was going crazy. The living room felt like a battleground when it was empty, and just going out there made her feel exposed. She didn't want to go out there. The paper-thin door separating her from the warzone felt like a reinforced blast door.

_This is insane._

_Aren't we all, Asuka-chan?_

_Shut the fuck up. I don't even know who you are. I don't even know why you're in my head._

_Who says I'm in your head? Maybe _you're_ in _my_ head, Asuka-chan._

_Then shut up just the same._

Asuka grabbed her homework, slid her door open and went out to the warzone.

**2**

Asuka marched straight to Shinji's room and slid his door open without bothering to knock. She found him lying on his bed, eyes fixed to the ceiling. His homework, she noted, laid on his desk, half-finished. He didn't react to her.

"Hey, Shinji."

Shinji didn't say anything.

"It's rude not to look at someone when they're talking to you." Asuka said.

Shinji looked at her. His eyes were cold.

"You Japanese have a weird written language." Asuka said, "Would it be too much to ask for you to use the Latin alphabet like normal people?"

Shinji didn't react.

"Anyway. I thought you'd know this stuff. Which'd be a first."

She held out her book.

"This book is very poorly-written, I can't dumb down to its level." She said, "It's like a needlessly complicated puzzle, the kanji, katakana and hiragana. Like it'd kill you to use just one of them. Since you were born into it, I thought maybe you could show me what I'm missing in all these nuances."

"You're the genius." Shinji said, "Why don't you figure it out?"

Asuka was certain of one thing: she probably wasn't hiding her shock very well. In fact, if the slackening of her jaw was any indication, she was probably just vacantly glaring at him.

She pulled herself together.

"Talk about rude... serves me right for asking nicely."

"Didn't you hear?" he asked, his eyes returning to the ceiling, "I'm an idiot. Even my sync test is a glitch. I can't show you anything."

Asuka could feel a lump in her throat, where it wasn't supposed to be.

"How does that even relate?" Asuka said, "I just asked-"

"What do you want from me?" he asked, his voice almost choked, "I said I'd do what I can, and I'm doing what I can. I'm keeping things func-"

"You're doing what you can? Really? You're just lying there all damn day, doing not much of anything, and then when I ask for a little-"

"Help?" Shinji sat up, "What am I, completely brainless? As if you'd need help. As if Asuka Langley Soryu, the child prodigy, would need any help from the village idiot. No. You don't need help. And when you're too _fucking_ proud," Shinji stood up, ",to admit that you do, even then, you don't need help from _me._ You don't need me. You don't even want me. So why are you in my room!?"

Asuka was taken aback by his reaction. His anger was potent, his eyes were like daggers.

_He's... given this, whatever _this_ is, some thought. Clearly._

"And choosing what the Japanese written language... that's weak. You know, how many, four, five languages already? How is Japanese so difficult for you, then? You already speak it like you were born here! You're inventive, you always were, but how exactly were you planning on using my own mother tongue to let me know how worthless I am!?"

_What the..._

"Get out." Shinji said, his gaze hitting the floor, "Just get out. Whatever it is you want, forget it, and leave me alone. I said I'd do what I can. That's the limit of what I'll do. The absolute borderline."

Asuka couldn't breathe. Shinji's eyes suddenly shot up and looked into hers. She shuddered inside.

"Go. Don't pretend that I'm good enough to help you."

**3**

Asuka put on her yellow summer dress, the one she had had on when she had first met Shinji. She liked matching her shoes to her sync clips when she had this dress on, and so she went for her red Mary Janes. She took her small handbag, stuck the key in it, and went out. It was nice and warm outside. She closed the door behind her, and started to walk down the hallway. She descended the steps quickly, enjoying the sensation of her body weight shifting slightly, creating the illusion that she was headed for a free-fall. When she got down to the ground floor of the apartment complex, she hurried out of the constricting walls. The open air felt like a blessing. To her right, she could see the skyline of Tokyo-3, glowing, with the sun in between its buildings, gently setting. It was a beautiful sight, and sometimes she came down just to watch the sun.

Not today. No, not today. Today, she needed to get the hell away from this place.

_And get the fuck away from him._

**4**

The park halfway down the hill was a circular, pocket-area that was just off the pavement. It had all the trappings of these kinds of parks, or simply enough commonalities with the others she had seen to qualify. The requisites were simple: pavement tiles instead of straight concrete. Benches that would help lonely fathers rest, couples grope and kiss, and idiots like Shinji sleep. Patches of grass in between, and the mandatory stone slab informing everyone that yes, indeed, this little spot was the handiwork of the Municipality of Tokyo 3.

Asuka breathed a sigh of relief. Her anger was gradually subsiding, though it did leave her slightly drained. But being out of lockdown still felt like a blessing from Heaven. She picked a bench, neatly folded her dress under her thighs and sat down. In the distance, Tokyo-3 glowed, the tops of the buildings mere shadow-outlines. She could faintly hear the sea from where she was, and the occasional breeze carried a hint of salt water. She checked to see if she was alone. She was. Another high point for the unremarkable excuse for a park.

Asuka found herself staring at the toes of her red Mary Janes. Same red as her sync clips, same red as her bracelet, same red as her Unit 02.

_And they look damn good on me. My feet are cute and my ankles are perfect. Kaji especially likes this pair. I wonder if I can just hop over to his, if he's at home?_

Asuka smiled.

_He'd be impressed. He'd say-_

"_Get out."_

Asuka choked on the thought.

_No. He'd say-_

"_Don't pretend I'm good enough to help you."_

_No! That's not it! He'd say-_

"_Just get out."_

Asuka's hands curled into fists. She was shaking, feeling pure anger course through her. She clamped her legs shut, feeling every muscle in her body tense up. She was choking on it all, she couldn't breathe.

"_Don't pretend I'm good enough to help you."_

"I don't _need _your help!" she shouted, "Who the _fuck _are you, _anyway_!?"

Her voice echoed.

"_You don't need me. You don't even want me."_

"Who'd want _you?"_ Asuka leapt up, barely able to stand, trembling all over. The municipal slab caught her eye, "Who would be disgusting enough to want you, you fucking_ loser!?"_

Anger and sadness in his eyes as he said it. Like a wounded animal asking why he deserved the hurt.

_Good. Hope it hurts. Hope it fucking hurts!_

_Asuka-chan, you don't mean that._

_Yes, I do. I really, really do._

Asuka looked at the slab and noticed two groups of stains, evenly-spaced. They were black in color, or at least, seemed to be black in the dying daylight. She reached for her phone, but quickly remembered she had left it at home.

She examined them. Not too long and not too wide, with small, uneven spaces in between. It had to be some sort of liquid, by the way it had splattered on the concrete. Her brow furrowed. She slowly clenched her fists and positioned herself, slouching to adjust for the minor difference in height. Slowly, she put her fists on the stains, her knuckles covering most of their surface area.

With a shudder, she realized that it was blood. _His._

Her first thought was revulsion having touched something stained with him.

_I knew it! I knew that wimp hadn't gotten into a fight that he had actually won! That liar! And to think I was kind enough to-_

The thought drowned itself out, collapsing under its own weight. Much to her exasperation, she couldn't deny that Shinji had never actually told her he had gotten into a fight, but had instead chosen to repeat the popular version, the gossip.

_As if he'd have the guts._

A split-second and she could picture him there, screaming as he pounded on the helpless block, letting out his rage. She wondered for a second if he had imagined striking her, wished that it was her and not this stupid marker.

_I'd kick his shrimpy ass forty ways from Sunday before he could even fully rewind a blow. Let him try!_

The assurance of her fighting prowess didn't have the desired effect, in fact, even before she had thought it, she confessed that Shinji wouldn't. Asuka had known others that would, and one that actually had during college. Some manchild who thought rejection warranted coercion, like _that_ could change her mind about the wretch. She had walked away with a hand print on her cheek, he hadn't been able to walk away.

_If he wanted to, he could've. Before he left the apartment. I'd stop him halfway, as my reflexes are far quicker, but still, he didn't._

Asuka hesitated to think it.

_But why didn't he? _I_ would've._

Her anger fading, damn it, she felt low, absolutely low. She shook her head and tilted her chin up. Nobody would get the pleasure of seeing her shook – not even herself.

**5**

Asuka walked back home after dark, moving from streetlight spot to streetlight spot, unsure as to whether she wanted to go back. She didn't quite have a choice, of course, but she was certain it was because she wouldn't deprive herself of a bed just because of something-or-other.

On approach, she saw that the lights of their building were on, specifically that of the living room. This meant that Misato was home for a change. Asuka smiled. She could act as a buffer between her and that idiot; a few beers in, and Misato would go into that mood that Mr. Kaji had described as 'tipsy.' Asuka didn't know why alcohol caused that, she had never been allowed to drink, and had never found herself in a position to sneak a beer or two. She had once taken a sip, under Mr. Kaji's supervision, some foreign thing called Guiness, but had loathed the taste.

_Adults._

**6**

Asuka's house key froze in the air once the first clear screech of shrill laughter broke through. She identified several murmurs, including one peculiar sound of a glass being picked up and put down with a regular rhythm.

"Kajiii, what're you doiiinn..." whined Misato.

Mr. Kaji's characteristic, laid-back murmuring.

"Well that's no excuse! Gimme that!"

The tap. A glass being put down, right on cue. Asuka clenched her teeth. The fucking real doll was there.

Her ears perked. There was no sound to indicate Shinji was in attendance.

_He's probably just in his room._

_Why not find out, Asuka-chan?_

_I was going to go in anyway, you idiot!_

Asuka took a deep breath, toughened up and walked in. She discarded her shoes at the entrance and relaxed her posture before proceeding to the living room. She had just gone out for a walk, nothing important had happened... hell, nothing important did happen in Tokyo-3 besides the occasional Angel.

Inside, she could see the remains of what looked like a feast scattered across the table. Asuka felt her stomach growl at the sight, reminding her that she had skipped a meal, again. Asuka saw Misato, slurring a request while reaching for the open can of beer in Mr. Kaji's hand (rubbing up against him in the process, Asuka noted with a spark of anger.) The real doll was also there, as Asuka had deduced, still wearing her school uniform (did she only have that and her plugsuit?) and methodically draining her glass of water like a wind-up toy.

And then, Shinji. Another still point in the adults' annoying bickering, like a statue at the table. Asuka hesitated. Maybe hadn't noticed her come in, so maybe they wouldn't notice her sneaking back out. Her hesitation cost her that opportunity, as Misato spotted her out of the corner of her eye.

"Ah! Asuka!" she said with a wide grin, "You're here, finally! C'meeere!"

"Hello." Rei said with the slightest of nods.

Kaji lit up a cigarette and put Misato's beer down.

"You're late." He said, "Have you eaten?"

"She hasn't!" Misato said, surreptitiously reaching and then hastily snatching her can from the table, "Come awnnn, eat!"

Asuka felt like she had walked into a firefight with a knife. She snapped out of it quickly and put her hands on her hips.

"Looks like a celebration to me." She said, "What's the occasion?"

"It's nothing." Shinji said.

"Aww, c'mon Shin-chann, why so glummm?" Misato asked, reaching out to ruffle up his hair, "It's for you!"

Asuka felt her blood boiling. The diagnostics hadn't even come in yet, that much she knew. Why did they feel the need to pamper him for something he hadn't even achieved? Was a glitch any reason to act like he had actually done anything?

_They didn't treat me like this when I was number one... they don't treat me like this._

"It's nothing to celebrate." Shinji said, "It was a fluke. A measurement error. When the diagnostics is complete, Asuka will still be the first."

Asuka felt offended by that (_as if I am not that right now)_, and some part of her was surprised.

"Why do you say that Shin-channnnnn..." Misato cooed, wrapping one arm around him and pulling him in, "Even if it wass... 'tis the time for celebrashunn... you are number wannn..."

"Innocent until proven guilty." Kaji said, smiling.

Asuka was indignant.

_Oh God... please, please send me an Angel. Anything but this. Anything but this. I can't stand it._


	6. Auf Wiedersehen Boy

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 5  
"Auf Wiedersehen Boy"**

**1**

Gendo Ikari gently put down the spreadsheets he had been handed and crossed his hands. Behind him, Fuyutsuki was still going over his own copy. Gendo stared Ritsuko dead in the eye.

"Are these accurate?" he asked.

Ritsuko nodded.

"Yes. We ran diagnostics just in case, only to prove that everything was functioning perfectly at the time of the test."

"I don't see how this is possible." Fyutsuki said, "Dr. Akagi, what's your take on this?"

"It's unprecedented." Ritsuko said, "And dangerous."

"Yes." Gendo said.

"Any synchronization ratio above 100% is unexplored territory... not completely, but by and large. It's well outside of our margins of safety."

"Categorically, the activation test isn't the same as operating an EVA. Neither are the Simulation Bodies." Fyutsuki said, "But I see your point."

"What's your recommendation?" Gendo asked.

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. She knew Gendo Ikari well enough to know that he already had a plan of action, which wouldn't be shifted in the slightest by anything she'd have to recommend. Still.

"At this stage, I think, one of two things. One, set the cap at 100% and repeat the test, measure his performance against the other pilots."

"Not an option." Gendo said.

_Of course not._

"Then I would like to repeat the test with the same caps, see if the ratio can be reproduced within acceptable margins."

"The Angel is nine days away, I am sure you know." Fyutsuki said, "The Magi's estimate gives an SD of twelve hours, nothing more."

"Carry out the test today." Gendo said.

"Yes, sir."

"Furthermore..."

"Yes?"

"If Shinji scores above 100%, he will be pulled out of school immediately and undergo a 7-day intensive round of combat training."

"Combat training?" Ritsuko asked, "What for?"

"You have your orders."

**2**

Asuka watched as Shinji got dressed and found it strange that he did not tuck in his shirt, as he always did. She noted with some annoyance that Rei's vacant, all-seeing eyes hadn't missed that little deviation either. She looked away, concentrating instead on buttoning up her own shirt.

They had been pulled out of school early, and though skipping their afternoon classes had been a joy, having spent the hours leading well into the evening in test plugs had been strange. Random testing was a method as effective as any, Asuka knew. There were ways to mentally prepare for synchronization, be it for a test or to go out into the field. Asuka had this lullaby stuck in her head, which always helped her calm down and collect her thoughts before going into the plug. It was fast and she could do it on-the-go. It frightened her and consoled her at the same time, though she didn't know why.

Shinji still wouldn't acknowledge her presence, which, in turn, had created this reflexive response in her – she was hyper-aware of him. It ticked her off to no end, to have her genius focus always operate on a split-attention basis, and because of him, no less. On the one hand, there was the world of NERV that she was a blessing to.

On the other hand, Shinji fucking Ikari.

It infuriated her, his half-hearted, faked responses to the friends he was lucky beyond the telling of it to have. Who'd wanna get with him, she wondered, except perhaps two equally repugnant losers he hung with? And even they were limited in their interactions, to which Shinji was now occasionally contributing. It drove her up the wall that he shuffled through the day, disappearing to the roof during lunch (as usual.)

It pissed her off royally.

_Who the hell do you think you are, anyway? You're just a wimp who got an EVA because his daddy was the Commander, and you can't even do shit with it. No. No no no, you don't shut me out. You don't tell me to get out._

Except, he had, and his invisible Wall of Jericho made her want to scream. So she had tried to raise the bar. She had insulted him in every way possible, let him know just what she thought (to the point where Hikari had felt the need to, rather hesitantly, tell her to pipe down.) She had bothered him on the roof during lunch, well, okay. She had intended to.

**3**

_Asuka turned and saw... them. She felt her heart skip a beat._

_There she was, Rei motherfucking Ayanami, the real doll. Her posture was the exact same as his. They were eating. And talking._

_Since their backs were turned, Asuka took the opportunity to get a bit closer. She wanted to hear what the celluloid toy had to say to the idiot._

"_...ordered to."_

"_But... why?"_

"_I can be replaced."_

"_Don't say that!"_

_Asuka clenched her teeth at the tone of his voice – whiny, as always, but a bit too desperate._

"_It's the truth." Rei said without a hint of emotion._

_A moment of silence._

"_Then, I'm expandable as well." Shinji said._

_Rei didn't say anything._

"_They can replace me right now, if they wanted to."_

_Asuka barely caught his next sentence, spoken in a fading whisper._

"_I know that she does."_

**4**

The only other time he had ever said anything to her had been to tell her to hurry up after they had been prepared. Well, that, and...

**5**

"_I hate these tests." Asuka said, "I'd much rather take my EVA out to the staging ground."_

"_They're mandatory." Rei commented._

"_But not the real thing! It's like shooting a gun with no bullets in it to improve aim – it's pointless!"_

_No response from either party._

"_Not this time." Shinji said._

_Asuka ignored him._

"_I think the diagnostics came in." he continued, "This is a follow-up test to see if the equipment is alright."_

_Asuka responded with a noncommittal grunt._

"_You should be happy." Shinji said._

"_Oh yeah?" she snapped, "And why's that?"_

"_So you were right all along." He said, "I'm just an error. You won."_

**4**

Asuka wasn't sure if she had actually won anything. If she did, it didn't feel like it. In fact, despite knowing that what he said was true (as if she could be second to him,) she couldn't help but shirk, however slightly, at his apparent surrender.

_How much did you hurt him, Asuka-chan? Maybe you can count backwards from that, see if it stops._

Asuka ignored the little voice. Let it chime all it wanted, it didn't matter none.

**5**

Asuka didn't have time to chide this stupid voice in her head when Ritsuko came in, a chart in her hand. Asuka's face lit up.

"So, what's the status?" she asked sweetly, "How did I do?"

"You did just fine." Ritsuko said, "Stellar performance, as always."

"It's a gift." Asuka replied.

"Rei, you've improved slightly, but your rate dropped during the last round. Are you tired?"

"No."

"Go to the pharmaceutical section after this, they know what to give you."

Rei nodded.

Asuka glanced at Shinji. His face was unreadable.

"Shinji."

Shinji stiffened up.

"You're staying here."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. What?

"Why?" Shinji asked, "Am I that low?"

Ritsuko shook her head. Asuka felt confusion set in. What was going on?

"Misato will contact your school. Unless otherwise told, you'll remain in NERV headquarters for the next seven days."

"What!?" Asuka said, throwing her hands up, "Why?"

Ritsuko sighed. She pulled out a cigarette and lit up.

"What I'm about to say is strictly confidential. Now that you've heard me say that, you are all under a non-disclosure order. Understood? Not a word to anyone who isn't Misato, myself, my lab crew, or higher in rank."

Shinji and Asuka nodded. Rei was still.

"Shinji, your synchronization ratio was 122%." Ritsuko said, "Under the Commander's orders, you will report to Specalist Miyamoto for intensive combat training, starting tonight. I'll take you."

Asuka froze in place. Her mind did cartwheels and somersaults, trying to cover enough ground to process what was just said on a very basic level.

"Why isn't combat training deemed necessary for the other pilots?" Rei asked.

"Thankfully, neither one of you two exceeded the 100% limit. If he pilots with his latest ratio, the EVA will not compensate for much in terms of aiming or other combat functions. Not unless he has a basic grip on fighting. You, specifically," Ritsuko said to Asuka, ", don't need it either way."

Asuka didn't know if she wanted to laugh or to scream. It was EVA-101; the Evangelion units compensated for their pilots' lack of movement and actual combat skill with their own internal systems, one of them being auto-aim. Sure, if you pulled instead of squeezing, the kickback shifted the barrel too much and you missed, but the basic function was there. Of course, Evanelions worked not only with their pilots but also _around _them. Asuka herself could execute more graceful movements and had quicker response because of her high sync ratio – it was her Unit 02 letting her be more in control.

But with something like 122%, it was... would be different. Asuka glanced at Shinji's bandaged knuckles. Yes, the EVA meshed with the pilot, as Asuka's was meshed with her, but she knew that the higher the ratio got, the more feedback the pilot received from the EVA. It cut both ways. Biomechanic uplinking wasn't a one-way street.

_This isn't safe... this isn't safe for him. He'll just get hurt. A few blows and he might fall unconscious..._

An image flashed before her eyes. Unit 01, offline, broken on the ground and her, standing there in her EVA, watching an Angel move in for the kill.

_Oh, fuck no. Fuck you!_

"You said _if_." Asuka said, almost shaking where she stood, "Did you mean..."

"It might be a slightly different value in the field. The synchronization SD is 0.9%, currently. I'd say it'd be around 1 to 2% out there. Further, the error ratio for sync rate is so small, the measurement algorithm refuses to register it properly."

Asuka bit her tongue.

Shinji closed his locker and got his duffel bag. He brushed past Asuka, his shoulder scraping hers, making the hairs on the back of her neck rise, and joined Ritsuko. Asuka could only watch them leave.

Her mouth moved on its own.

"_Auf Wiedersehen_, boy."

**6**

Silence for a few moments, interrupted only by the small noises made by Rei packing the last of her admittedly meager surplus belongings into her duffel bag.

Sudden movement alerted Rei. The metallic clang of Asuka's fist slamming on the locker door echoed in the room.

Rei found that Asuka was trembling. All signs indicated barely-contained rage, bleeding out through her body, trough her clenched teeth and trembling knees. Rei quietly slid the strap of her bag off. She estimated a high chance of physical violence and calling for security would not be a preferable option.

"_Are you fucking kidding me..?_" Asuka snarled.

Another punch. The locker shook. Another. And another. Rei watched pensively as Asuka laid down blow after blow after blow. After a few, the locker, not built to withstand such an assault, began to cave in. Deciding that she was not needed, Rei picked her bag up.

"I'm leaving." She announced.

"Fucking _go_, already!" Asuka snapped, "What's the point of saying, I'm leaving, when I can see that you are? Nobody cares! I don't care!"

Rei lingered for a few moments before she turned and left.

_Good. I've had enough of you. For a lifetime._

Pain registered on her hands.

Asuka couldn't breathe through the mess inside her head. One thought was wrestling for control, trying to reach above all the others, and it was perfectly rational. Perfectly sound. Yes, that thought had to be it. Just had to be, because she had decided that _was_ it, after all.

Retribution.

This was his revenge. She had taken away something irreplaceable from him, something precious, and now, he had taken away everything she had in retribution.

_Oh, he didn't take _shit_! I'm still the Field Commander!_

_Asuka-chan, you made that rank up._

_So what if I did? I have the most experience, I am the one they all count on to know how to do anything! They should have that rank for real, it'd do them a lot of good!_

Asuka could feel tears trailing down her cheeks. The thin, liquid lines on her cheeks filled her with revulsion. She scraped them off her cheeks, off her eyes. No. _He _wouldn't make her cry. She wouldn't break so easily! So what if he'd have training? Unless he could bring it, he wouldn't be able to do anything with it.

_And then I'll have to save him, as always. Because sync ratio is nothing. I'm the best they have. I'm the best there is. I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm the best goddamn it, I'm-_

"_Shit!"_

**7**

Misato hated the paperwork that went with every little thing they did. She understood the necessity of it just fine, it was part of mapping out their every step, no matter how small, and you never knew when you'd need to back-track. But that shouldn'tve meant an entire binder full of forms to fill out just to retain Shinji for a week. Worse still, she knew that some of these forms were to request other forms. Commander Ikari's no-details-left-behind policy didn't help, either.

_Another would-be home night down the dra-_

The door of her office was practically bashed open, revealing a slightly out-of-breath Asuka. Misato dropped the pen and leaned back. From the looks of her, it was going to be one of _those _times. Asuka marched over to her and slammed her hands on the desk, leading Misato to sigh. Yep, one of those times.

"I want an explanation!" Asuka said.

"For what?" Misato asked, cautious to keep her voice even and face neutral.

"Why is the Third Children is being given special treatment?"

_Oh, so that's what this is._

"He's not. To be honest, I don't want him to go through, either."

"Then what's with the special training?"

"Asuka, you know that once you go over 100%, it starts to get dangerous. I mean, we've had one incident, and..." she shuddered, "...it wasn't pretty. With the next Angel on the way, anything we can squeeze in would be leagues above nothing."

"Do all adults have this narrow vision?" Asuka asked, "That idiot needs all the help he can get, fluke ratio or no. We all know that. It's obvious that _I _don't need any extra training, which also goes without saying."

"So it's all okay." Misato said with a wink.

_Is she this scared that he'll surpass her?_

"No, it isn't. I'm saying that we _all_ should do it – Shinji's not hogging the opportunity. God knows First could stand learn a thing or two!"

Misato sighed. Problem was, this was one of those times where she couldn't refute Asuka's logic. She knew that they had withheld such training both due to a lack of time and due to Ritsuko deeming such an endeavor to be further isolating and stressful, two things they didn't want for their pilots. She herself had the basic training. It was drilling, nothing more – nothing had changed since Rome. Apathetic, near-unconscious, focused solely on set boundaries to what they could do – a pilot with full combat training wouldn't engage Shamshel head-on with a nearly tapped out battery. Not without a long-range weapon.

"Alright." Misato said, "I'll ring the Commander, see if this floats. I'm not the one who decides these things. If he gives the go-ahead, then you and Rei will join Shinji."

Asuka smiled triumphantly. She whirled around gracefully and marched out. Misato stared at the stack of papers and sighed deeply.

_Might as well bring the coffee machine in here._


	7. Mercenary

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 6  
"Mercenary"**

**1**

Specialist Miyamoto Shii was a heavy-set built, imposing man with a stern face and a deep, almost guttural voice. Presently, wearing only the navy blue NERV uniform and his hat held in his hand, he was standing before the impromptu review board, composed of Commander Ikari, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Major Misato Katsuragi and Kaji, who, despite their wishes to the contrary, was smoking in the nondescript conference room. The review board members had been distributed to the space across the table occupying the room, each of them with a written copy of his official assessment report.

"You may begin." Fuyutsuki said, prompting Miyamoto to speak.

"You will find the details in the copies before you. The results of the past week are rather... interesting."

"That's one way to put it." Kaji said.

"Start with the First Children." Gendo said.

**2**

_The knife had the weight and shape of a regular combat knife with a serrated blade; however, it was, in reality, a trick knife where the blade slid back into the hilt as soon as enough pressure was applied to it._

_Miyamoto casually scanned Rei Ayanami. Light build, too pale to be healthy, seemingly pensive and passive, but the past two days had taught him otherwise. She was standing with a solid stance – legs shoulder-length apart, knees slightly bent, shoulders hunched just a bit, knife in one hand, free hand further than the knife, ready to block. Perfect, and an exact duplicate of his own preferred stance._

"_Reverse grip." He instructed. Rei twirled the knife in her hands, her fingers moving with precise motions and held it so. Miyamoto saw her mistake: she was holding the handle adequately, but her thumb was almost locked into the tight grip. Good for slicing, but he had asked for the reversed grip to get a better hold of stabbing. He decided not to warn her, but adjusted his own grip._

"_Go!"_

_Rei sprinted towards him, knife held slightly low. Miyamoto waited, and once she was at arm's reach, jerked forward. Rei slid like fine silk through the opening and slashed with the knife – having seen it coming, Miyamoto shifted to one foot and twirled around, bringing his free arm in and wrapping it around her throat. She attempted to slip down, but Miyamoto's knife had already found a spot between her ribs. Rei stopped instantly._

"_You don't have a straight grip." He told her, "Your goal is to manipulate me into exposing a vulnerable spot, not to cut me open dick to throat. Know what you can do wıth your weapon, know what it can do with the way it's being held."_

"_I understand."_

"_Good. Now let's try again."_

_Rei took her place and came at him again. This time, she feinted forward, prompting Miyamoto to shift, repeating his move, but Rei followed closely, quickly sliding under his arm. Before Miyamoto could react, her knife was already buried to the back of his neck. She pulled the mock weapon back and retreated three steps._

**3**

"Rei Ayanami has an uncanny ability to adapt. But that's just what it looks like on the outset. In reality, what she does is more akin to synchronizing herself with whoever she's facing. Perfectly."

"We know." Misato said, "During the attack of the Angel Israfel, she has shown that."

Miyamoto nodded.

"She only needs to be shown a move once, and she can copy it exactly; to the point where if the move is shown incorrectly, she'll also make the mistake."

"It says here," Ritsuko said, lighting up a cigarette as well, ", that Rei could avoid a move shown intentionally incorrectly if she was warned beforehand."

"If the warning is descriptive, she can." Miyamoto replied, "If she's just told that the move or maneuver is simply incorrect, she freezes up. Doesn't do anything until the mistake is corrected explicitly."

Fuyutsuki gave a noncommittal nod.

"Move on." Gendo instructed, "Second Children."

Miyamoto sighed.

"Well, there are some issues where she's concerned..."

**4**

_Miyamoto watched from the sidelines as Asuka set Shinji up to knock him down. The poor kid was actually in pretty good form, considering it had only been three days – his technique was good, his drive was admirable and he never managed to stay down. It gave Miyamoto the impression that he just didn't see the point in not getting back up. But, the Specialist had noticed something else, this time with the loud-mouthed, volatile redhead he had been forced to take on – the Second Children was toying with Shinji._

_Shinji would never notice it, of course. Every time he got back up, he took a basic opening stance, eyes narrowed, trying to divine Asuka's moves. He wouldn'tve noticed that Asuka was a master of feints and used a strange, if derivative, version of Jeet Kune Do. Shinji only knew the basics (he could only barely throw a punch when he had first arrived) and as such, was no match. She kept goading him into charging forward, feigning left and striking right, moving circles around him, sometimes letting him land a blow or two just to give him something, before turning the tables on him._

_It was a cringe-worthy sight._

_The First Children shared his interest, it seemed, watching the Second trip the Third just to throw another taunt his way. Miyamoto noticed that every time Shinji hit the mat, a small muscle on the corner of her lips twitched._

"_Stay down." Asuka said, breathing heavy, "Yield to me."_

_Shinji spun his legs to bring them around, forcing Asuka to take a step back. He rose to his feet, which was when Asuka's elbow collided with his cheek, disrupting his balance. It took only the lightest of pushes to have him on the mat again._

"_What are you, stupid?" Asuka asked Shinji, before turning to Miyamoto, "You've taught him a few tricks, but he's still not very good."_

"_Not for you, no." Miyamoto said, having been told by Kaji to not argue such points with her, "You are ahead of the class, that's for sure."_

_Asuka grinned widely. It made Miyamoto shiver._

**5**

"There's a reason why she's our top pilot." Misato said, "Despite what the latest tests say. And she has had combat training before all this, so I'm not surprised."

"She's tough, that's for sure." Kaji said, "If lacking in grace."

"I don't even wanna know what you meant by that." Misato grunted.

"I'm more curious about what you thought I did, but I don't think now is the time." Kaji said, "Maybe later."

Misato rolled her eyes.

"Her performance is, as usual, good." Ritsuko commented, "Specialist Miyamoto, you say here that she's effective yet inefficient. Elaborate."

Miyamoto sighed once more.

"She's too easily distracted. Loses herself too quickly in whatever emotion or warped thought pattern she starts with – it takes under ten seconds for whatever is happening to cease being a mission and begin being whatever she wants it to be."

"Hardly news." Kaji said, stomping out his cigarette, "Asuka's like that. If she can't have it like she wants to have it, she'll force it."

"How is that even relevant?" Ritsuko asked, "That's in her psych profile, but we hadn't declared her _inefficient, _until now."

"What I meant is that, therefore, she's easy to break." Miyamoto said, "She gets abnormally frustrated at the slightest conceived failure, especially if another person saw it. The tiniest doubt, if it gains a foothold, would break her quickly and easily."

"The Third Children." Gendo said.

**6**

_Shinji gripped his pistol tight. It was like the knives, in that it was the exact shape and weight of a regular weapon, Glock .32, only filled with splatter-darts instead of real bullets. Miyamoto had assured him that the .32 had a softer recoil than a 9mm, his own weapon of choice, but Shinji still felt every shot in his wrist. His aim was less than stellar, lacking the trajectory correction of the EVA, but it was, Miyamoto had offered, far better than any of his new, full-time cadets, barring minor exceptions._

_The staging ground was just a field of dirt, strewn with sandbags and rugged terrain. There was a building at the end of it, a concrete block with an angled, tin roof. His objective was to reach there without "dying." Shinji crouched behind the first cover he could find, a pile of earth, and checked to see if his safety was off. He felt tired. Moisture had gathered inside his helmet long ago, and his visor was riddled with wet spots._

_He picked a different pattern of cover-to-cover running than he had before. In what was the fourth run-through of the same damn exercise, he was determined to satisfy Miyamoto by landing a shot on him... wherever he might be hiding._

_He stuck out his head to survey the scene. Nothing but him and the distance he had to cross. He adjusted his position, counted to three and darted out of cover. He sprinted towards the first sandbag line, but instead of ducking low, he leapt over it. He darted diagonally across the field, making for a ditch. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something move, and leapt forward, rolled and leapt forward once again. Three shots, and he felt a splatter dart explode against his leg. Once on the ground, he turned on his side and took aim, which was when a second shot found his inner thigh, sending sharp pain up his spine. He aimed and pulled, two shots first, three after that. The darts hit the sandbag line Miyamoto was ducking behind harmlessly. Shinji stayed right where he was, knowing that he'd come out again. He fired again, two, pause, another one to give the impression he was moving behind cover._

_When Miyamoto sprang up, gun in hand, Shinji emptied the clip, managing to land three of the remaining seven shots, two on his chest, but not before Miyamoto also managed to clip him in the stomach. Shinji lifted the empty gun into the air to signal that he was done. Miyamoto moved out of cover and came up to him. He took off his helmet, and Shinji did the same._

"_You failed." Miyamoto said._

"_I failed!?" Shinji breathed hard, pointing at the Specialist's chest, "Aren't you dead?"_

"_I didn't say you didn't kill me." Miyamoto said, offering a hand. He helped Shinji stand up, "But by a ballpark estimate, you died shortly after that last shot. You never made it to the warehouse."_

"_How?"_

_Miyamoto pointed at his thigh._

"_Femoral artery. You're bleeding out, and fast._ _Why didn't you get to cover?"_

"_I thought I'd wait for you to make a move."_

"_You could've gotten off with a leg wound if you had scrambled."_

_Shinji just glared at him._

"_I succeeded this way, too." He insisted._

**7**

"Permission to speak freely?"

Fuyutsuki nodded.

"He shouldn't be piloting. In fact, he should be having his head examined."

"What?" Misato asked, raising an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Far as aptitude goes, Shinji Ikari is more than anyone is willing to give him credit for, not least of all himself. He's adaptable, learns quickly, is goal-oriented and a good improviser. What he isn't, is sane."

"Explain." Gendo said.

"He has absolutely no regard for self-preservation. He's not suicidal, Dr. Akagi," he added hastily, seeing her turn pages in her copy, ", because I have seen what suicidal looks like. It's more like he doesn't care, or quite fully understand what it means to be KIA."

"This is new." Ritsuko said, "Elaborate, please."

"He has no defense. In hand-to-hand, he never dodges, blocks or parries. He maneuvers if he sees that his lack of defense will get him killed, but that's only to rewind so he can attack again. He doesn't avoid killing blows to avoid them... he treats them like an impediment, no more serious than a roadblock."

"That, to me, indicates a survival instinct." Ritsuko said, "Then again, it also indicates the lack thereof."

Miyamoto shook his head.

"Let me rephrase that. He behaves like a killing blow or a mortal wound should be avoided only and only if he knows it'll keep him from reaching his goal, and that it doesn't matter otherwise."

**8**

_Shinji hit the mat again. He was getting used to the feeling of being thrown off his feet. He had gotten used to how people looked from where he was, especially Asuka. Presently, she had her foot on his chest, and a wooden practice staff at his throat._

"_Shinji." Miyamoto said as Asuka withdrew the lance, but not her foot, "Why do you let her do this?"_

"_Because I beat him." Asuka said._

"_I asked him." Miyamoto said, "She killed you."_

"_It's a sparring match." Shinji said._

"_Okay, get up."_

_Asuka reluctantly stepped back, letting Shinji get to his feet and recover his own staff._

"_Alright." Miyamoto said, "Shinji. Survive for fifteen seconds."_

_Asuka immediately took her opening stance, prompting Shinji to return the gesture. Miyamoto reset his stopwatch._

"_Go!"_

_He clicked. Asuka immediately came at him, swinging her staff in a wild, horizontal arc in attempt to force him back. Shinji ducked under it and came from the opposite direction, and managed to land a hit. In the sixth second, Asuka leapt back, bringing the slightly pointy end to bear and feinted left. Shinji reacted by preparing to parry. Ten seconds had passed when Asuka took a strong jab forward, which Shinji barely managed to avoid by side-stepping rather clumsily. Asuka came at full-force, swinging the blunt end, which Shinji blocked._

"_Fifteen!" Miyamoto called._

_Asuka rewound the staff as Shinji regained his footing and thrust forward once again. Shinji saw it coming, and Miyamoto saw that he had enough time for a parry. He didn't. He let her "impale" him, doubled over from the pain, which was when Asuka used the blunt end to tripped him._

_Miyamoto looked at the stopwatch. He had lasted three seconds after his objective was up._

**9**

"In short, Shinji Ikari is not suitable to be an EVA pilot." Miyamoto said, "Not the state that he's in. And Major Katsuragi, pardon me for saying so, but... if this were a different time, he'd make a prefect kamikaze pilot."

Misato felt a lump in her throat. She could only stare at the report in her hands, but every sentence written on the page (actually outlining Shinji's strangely outstanding accuracy with firearms, despite a slightly higher-than-normal margin of slipping due to the force of the weapon recoil) seemed to spell out her own failure. It was outlining how she had managed to fuck up being Shinji's guardian. It was detailing how she had failed to even attempt to blunt Asuka's sharper tendencies, how, in the course of just three days, she had managed to get lost in the fucking paperwork.

_He's picking fights and doesn't care if he dies; she's hell-bent on showing how much better she is... we are supposed to look to them to defend us, and I was supposed to be their guardian. And what the fuck am I guarding them from?_

"That'll be all, Specialist." Fuyutsuki said, nodding, "Thank you for your hard work."

Miyamoto saluted them. He turned on one foot and marched out of the room. A few moments of silence ensued. Kaji was the first to get up.

"Well, it's official. Our pilots are hanging by a thread."

"Not necessarily." Ritsuko said. She leaned back on her chair, "His findings are in line with their earlier evaluations. The only thing that seems to have changed is in Shinji."


	8. LCYD

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 7  
"LCYD"**

**1**

The scent of home was sweeter than he remembered. Carpeting, walls, the wooden frames of doors, the moist aroma of PenPen, the sharp and bitter taste of beer. Familiarity, it seemed, was not just in remembering what this strange combination smelled, but also in what it signified. Shinji took off his shoes.

"I'm home." He said to nobody in particular. It only seemed right.

"It's your own damn house, dummy; and nobody's in, anyway!"

That voice.

Shinji clenched his teeth, shouldered his duffel bag and headed for his room. He opened the door, got in, and closed it. He hated that the doors didn't have locks. He hated that he had to agree with Asuka on that. He hated it more that he could actually admit that. He despised it, absolutely fucking despised it.

Absolutely despised her.

Shinji threw himself onto his bed and curled up in a ball. He could hear the noises in the living room and beyond. The rattling sound of a door sliding open. The frump of her duffel bag hitting the ground. The ambient hum of the city just outside his window – distant, faint echoes of cars, people and conversations in high volume, the hot wind scraping the concrete exterior of buildings... the cloth of his drapes, gently moving, sliding on the windowpane... the crunching and scraping of cloth from the bed sheets, his shirt... his heart in his ears, his breath wheezing out...

_So much noise. Too much._

"Ah, Scheiße!"

_Shut up._

Shinji closed his eyes. There was a song in his head, a song that wouldn't go away. It reminded him of the intersection. He couldn't recall what the name of the song was, but he knew that it was Track 25.

**2**

Asuka threw the duffel bag in its entirety into the clothes hamper. She couldn't be asked to go through that particular disgusting mess, item by item. No way. She would take a shower, however. The Japanese loved their baths, but a shower was quicker and not any less clean. She stripped off her school uniform, and hung it from the doorknob. NERV had seen to it that it was cleaned, and there was no need for a do-over.

Standing under the running water reminded her just how well NERV trained their operatives. She wouldn't say it out loud, never, but she had barely managed to get through it. At least it had been interesting, and she had learned some useful things (how to clear a bullet jamming up the slide, for instance) and had gotten to fuck with Shinji.

_Now why does it have to even go there?_

_Asuka-chan, for someone who keeps calling him an idiot, what do you think you are?_

_Oh, fuck you!_

Through the hissing of the water, she heard the apartment door open and close.

**3**

"You're in my spot."

Shinji didn't know how long he had been in the park. He had taken off as soon as Asuka had jumped into shower, but knowing that he had to be back home for, and more likely to make, dinner, he had only gone so far as this now-familiar place. He had sat on the first bench, and until he had heard Asuka's voice, he hadn't even been aware of anything – not the sun setting, not the screeching of cicadas, nothing but the thought that for the first time since this whole thing had started, the EVA was appearing more and more like a blessing.

"I didn't know it was yours. I'll leave."

"No. I'm feeling generous this evening. I'll allow you to stay. Scoot over."

Asuka sat down next to him, squeezing into the corner of the bench, as far away from him as possible. She looked at her shoes. The black pair. Her fair skin was made more apparent by the color, and she liked the single strap around her ankle.

She glanced over her shoulder. Shinji was just sitting there, looking at the bench on the other side of the park. At first she thought he was in a trance, vacant eyes staring off...

_Come on, Asuka-chan. Don't be shy now._

Asuka turned away.

_What does that have to do with anything?_

_Say something._

_I'm too tired to be bothered._

_Excuses, excuses. You broke it, now buy it._

_Shut up._

She felt exhausted. She couldn't deny that just sitting here was slowly draining away the energy that 2-hour power nap had done nothing to restore. She was sore from her head to her toes. Every major muscle group was seized up; remnants of an intense week. She almost wished she hadn't gone through with it – the price of learning one or two new tricks should not have been this senseless fatigue.

He seemed unaffected, which she failed to fully grasp. Miyamoto's primary cadet had been him, and the specialist had driven him harder than he had her or Rei. And maybe it was her body begging for rest, maybe it was the anticipation, but her tongue was suddenly loose.

"Say, Shinji..."

No response.

"What do you think the next Angel will be like?"

Silence.

_Come on, you idiot, say something!_

"I don't care." Shinji said.

"You're not curious?"

"No."

"Well, I am. Hope it's not as annoying as the twins."

No response.

_Screw this._

"What does it feel like?" Shinji asked.

"What does what feel like?"

"Being special."

**4**

Asuka's eyes widened. Coming out of the left field, the question had disarmed her completely. She could almost physically feel her frustration dissolving. This was not in the script. It had caught her off-guard, and in that moment, Asuka shirked from him, shrunk from his apparent envy. Her jaw felt like it had been wired shut.

Shinji didn't repeat the question.

"I... don't know." Asuka managed, meekly. When Shinji didn't respond or move, she continued, "I guess I don't know being any other way. I couldn't tell you."

"Of course not."

Asuka couldn't help but notice that he was clenching his right hand into a fist, releasing, clenching it again. He didn't seem to be doing it consciously, as he was just staring at his hands now.

"I didn't get into a fight that night." He said.

She felt a shudder, but suppressed it. He was acting downright strange, even by his standards.

"Then why didn't you tell the truth?"

"I didn't need to. Everyone knew."

"If they knew, they wouldn'tve spread the story, dummy."

"It was Toji. He wanted to do me a favor. They just went with it."

"And you let it slide because it made you look like a badass..." Asuka clenched her teeth, "You're _impossible._"

"They all knew it wasn't true. Why say what was already obvious?"

"You have an excuse for everything."

Shinji was still for a few moments, his right hand clenched tight. He released his fingers slowly. Asuka bit her lip.

"I believed it." She said, "I mean, it was completely ridiculous, but the way you walked out, I could stretch to believe you had beaten a random citizen to a bloody pulp."

"...like you cared."

"_Don't pretend I'm good enough."_

"Shinji..."

_Shinji, what? What!?_

"It's not... easy." She said, "I'm not easy sometimes. That doesn't mean..." _It doesn't mean I'm a hard, chrome bitch._ "It doesn't mean that. I mean, I don't hate you or anyt-"

Shinji burst out laughing. Asuka wasn't sure if she should start getting scared, or be offended. He sat there, his humorless laughter echoing through the open space, making the shadows made by the fading sunlight more apparent with its lifelessness. Asuka shivered. For the first time since she had smashed the SDAT player, she was feeling something akin to (as she'd never go all the way with him) fear.

"Liar." Shinji said.

Full stop. His voice was ice cold.

"All you ever do is hurt me." Shinji said, "All you ever do is push me around, push me away, shut me out. You couldn't even leave me alone during the training. And why did you even follow me down? Why were you even there?"

Asuka couldn't answer.

"You don't hate me?" he chuckled, "You _despise _me, and that's when you barely care that I exist. You made sure I knew at least that much."

"I don't..." _I don't always know how to._

"No." Shinji snarled, "You say that now, but five minutes from now, if even that, you'll show me again. You just want me to forget, so it'll be like nothing happened."

_Why do I feel like I could..._

_Because he's right, Asuka-chan._

"I know that I'm just another pilot." He said, "The Third Children... children, not child, because I can be replaced. I'm expandable."

"Fucking Wondergirl... you're talking like her! Just like her!"

"Isn't it true? And what does it matter? Wouldn't you be happy if I was dead? Or satisfied? Wouldn't everyone?"

"I-"

"The Angel's just a little more than a day away. With any luck, we'll kill it, and I'll get myself killed in the process, like everyone thinks I will... I'm tired of others constantly saving me."

Shock had arrested her jaw, she couldn't speak, say something, _anything_...

"Maybe then, finally," he said, ", you'll be _happy _for something I did."

**5**

Shinji stood up. He lurched forward, to take a step.

"...I tried to fix it."

Shinji stopped to look at her. She was facing away from him. Her hands were holding handfuls of her dress.

"I couldn't. It was too broken." Asuka swallowed hard, there seemed to be a lump in her throat, "I just don't how to fix it... I didn't know what it was. Honestly. If I had known..."

"No."

Asuka retreated further.

"I don't know what I did wrong," Shinji said, ", but I always do everything wrong, don't I? You didn't even _care_ what it was. It was mine, and that was enough. I had it, I've always had it..." his voice began to quiver, "...it was the only thing. _The only thing and you-"_

Asuka's voice was barely a whisper. Shinji listened in as she repeated it.

"...I didn't mean to." She said.

Shinji couldn't respond. When she looked up at him, all she saw was pure shock.

"I didn't know it would be this way." Asuka continued, straining with the effort, "I was angry, and I..." _wanted to hurt you... no. I wanted to see you hurt. I wanted to know I could do that to you. And I guess I can... or could. _"...I didn't mean it. What I said." _I'm afraid to care any more than I do. I don't want to be dependent on you that way. I don't want to be defined by you. _"You're not expandable." _I'm not expandable._

"Stop it."

"You..." her jaw tensed up. She shrugged it off, "You're a fucking idiot. You'll get yourself killed at this rate. And..." _What would I do if you died? What would I do if I couldn't prevent it? I'm the one who has to save you – what would I do if I couldn't?_ "...I don't want you to die." _I don't want you to disappear. _"I don't hate you." _Don't hate me. _"I don't despise you." _Don't despise me. _"Just..." _Don't shut me out. Don't push me away. Look at me – I'm right here, in front of you._

_Don't you want to..?_

**6**

Misato had barely gotten comfortable in one of her designated home outfits (simple short and top combo, as usual) when the doorbell rang. She remembered that Rei, after getting some basic stuff from her house, was supposed to stay over, to avoid any commuting confusion on the eve of the next Angel attack. Misato went through the living room, but on her way to the doorway, a sharp pain gripped her left foot. The next step brought more pain, so she leaned against the wall and inspected her sole.

A very thin strip of metal had pierced through her foot. She saw that it wasn't like a pin – what had stopped it from going in completely was that the piece looped thrice after that, and extended another piercing piece. A spring, then. Misato held it between two fingers and gently pulled it out. She straightened up, on the tips of the toes of her left foot, and inspected it closely. A tiny, yet, as she felt it, sharp spring.

_Now, where did this come from?_

She stuck it in her pocket and went to the door. Part of her wondered where Shinji and Asuka were.

**7**

For Shinji, the walk back was rather nondescript.

Her face, sad, apologetic, contorted in a way he had never seen before, kept flashing in his mind. She looked so... vulnerable. It followed him up the road, hanging in the void like a painting of tragedy.

_Why did you look so... naked?_

**7**

For Asuka, the walk back was a flurry of details, flooding every single step, straining the levy. More than anything, his silence allowed for that other voice, sounding precariously more like her own, to run circles around her. She was still hyper-aware of his presence right beside her, but was at a loss as to what that meant, what he meant. Why was she so fixated on him? About a week and a half ago, she wouldn't take one word of it lying down.

Part of her was impressed. Sure, he still was the mopey dolt he always was, but a week and a half ago, he would not have called her out but apologized by reflex instead.

_Of course, he would not have dared, back then. He didn't have his wound._

**8**

Misato was on the phone, which left it for Rei to answer the door when it rang. Asuka reacted with apprehension, but Shinji found himself pleasantly surprised that she had come earlier than he had anticipated. Rei, her usual, distant self, intoned a "welcome home" before returning to the living room. Asuka scowled at her as she undid the straps of her shoes. She could hear Misato talking on the phone, and while she didn't pay attention to the words, she caught her tone of voice.

Shinji sat down at the dinner table.

"...yes, yes. Well, we don't have a fucking choice, do we? That's what I thought. See ya."

Misato slammed the phone down with a resonating "_Fuck!"_ that gave even Asuka a second's pause. She quietly took her place at the table and waited. It wouldn't be long now before she...

"Oh." Misato stood there, thumbs hooked into her shorts' pockets, looking at them, "I'm sorry, that wasn't..." she couldn't quite find the word for it, "I suppose, it's best I told you now."

"Told us what?" Shinji asked.

"That was Ritsuko. The results of your latest sync test came in."

Silence. They waited. Asuka recalled complaining that going to a sync test after the final round of training wasn't in their best interest.

Misato sighed.

"Rei, you're 2 points up in the first two rounds, and 4 points up in the last."

Rei gave the slightest of nods. Asuka felt irritation crawl through her.

_Kill you to be human for once, wouldn't it?_

"Asuka. Your first round was the same. Second round, you dropped by 3 points and at the final round, you went down 7 points. It's still above cap, but not by much."

Asuka felt like she had just been punched in the gut. She could only stare blankly at Misato, as if she had just said the Third Impact was going to happen three seconds from now. Before she could begin to vocalize a response, Misato braced herself.

"Shinji."

Asuka glanced at him, her heart pounding. _Don't say it. Don't say it!_

"It's out of my hands now..." she said, "I just want you to know, this isn't a good thing. It's too much of a leap, and it won't last, which would be the best thing to come out of this recent mess..."

Something was screaming in Asuka's head.

"I argued against putting you out there tomorrow, but the Commander thinks otherwise, and what he says, goes, so..."

"What did I score?"

Misato sighed again. Asuka could barely keep herself seated.

"You _started_ at 100%." Misato said. "Second round, you went up to 134%. The final round has you at 178%."

Rei cast a curious glance at Shinji, who was sitting, stunned, tongue-tied. In between them, Asuka was beginning to feel that what was being said right now was a merciless joke – it was surreal.

"The Commander is away currently, and won't be back in time for the next Angel... but he relayed that you were to take the tactical and actual lead in tomorrow's operation."

"_What!?"_

Asuka rose to her feet, knocking her chair over. Rei pensively surveyed her, while Shinji was stuck looking at the same face that had struck him, only now, clad in pure violence and unrivaled fury. There was a look in her eyes that he was sure could effortlessly shatter an A.T. Field just by turning in its direction.

Shinji shook his head, "But I can't take the lead. I don't have enough experience – I don't think I'd be any good in that role. I don't know anything about _leading_."

"You have taken the initiative before." Rei said.

"That was when it was just _me, _I've never lead an operation. I think Asuka is better suited for that. She's done it before. I can chip in, we can coordinate a strategy." Shinji said.

"She's not an unquestionably superior choice." Rei commented, "Your orders are to take the lead." Rei said, "It does not matter who you think is better suited."

"Rei is right, unfortunately." Misato said, "I mean, I can't disobey a direct order like this one, although I _will_ have a few words with the Commander about this..."

"We can do it like we always do." Shinji said, "We can come up with a few plans, and maybe, pretend that I'm-"

"You _coward._" Asuka snarled, "Are you so inept? Are you so fucking _spineless _that you're trying to wriggle your way out of this!? As your guardian here drunkenly put it, you _are_ number one now! That's not a trophy, they don't give you a badge for that, and your father isn't beside himself because you are a danger to yourself in your EVA! It's a responsibility, one you're trying to dump onto me so that you'll ease your own burden! You disgust me. You disgust me, all of you, _all of you_!"

She stomped over to the door, almost stumbling. Her legs weren't functioning that well, for some reason... she picked up her phone and slid her feet into her shoes, one red and one black, and opened the door.

"I'm going to Hikari's. You can pick me up from there, and don't even dream about leaving me behind!"

She slammed the door home and was walking down the road before any of them could react... and past the park before anyone could hear her scream.


	9. Plasmatic

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 8  
"Plasmatic"**

**1**

The sphere was black. It was decorated with circular patterns of white, embedded onto the surface – full circles creating the illusion of swirls and spirals. It emitted no sound, or at least nothing detectable; those observing it heard a faint, high-pitched reverberation, like a note held forever in the distance. Gigantic in its size, imposing with its presence, it hovered.

It cast a vast shadow.

**2**

When Misato entered the war room, things were well on their way. Around her, the buzzing of the war room, the humming of the computers and fingers tapping on keys. Makoto, Maya or Shigeru were in the process of tossing a comment between them when Ritsuko, already there and already smoking, greeted Misato.

"You're late."

"Sorry! Asuka decided to skip last night, the pilots should be out in a minute. Meanwhile," Misato took her usual place and crossed her arms, "Sitrep."

"It just appeared." Maya said, "Out of nowhere, as if it just suddenly began existing."

"The Mt. Fuji observation center didn't pick it up." Shigure said.

"And it's just... what? Hovering there?"

"I'm waiting for-" Ritsuko started, but Maya interrupted her.

"Pattern analysis orange. It's not an Angel."

"What?" Makoto scratched his head, "What else can it be? Just look at it!"

"We have to make sure." Misato said, "What's the status of the pilots?"

The viewscreen was split into four, one portion being reserved for the entity and the other four black.

"That thing can do anything at any second... where _are_ they?"

Suddenly, one of the blank screens came to life, showing the annoyed and, if Misato was reading it right, slightly sleep-deprived face of Asuka Langley Soryu.

"_Unit 02. Ready."_

Misato took the microphone but did not press the comm button.

"Sync rate?" she asked.

"81.42%." Ritsuko reported, "No, wait... it leapt to 82%. Interesting." Misato opened up the channel.

"Where are the others?"

"_Behind."_

Just then, the remaining two screens flickered to life to show the faces of Shinji Ikari and Rei Ayanami.

"79.987% and 186.7%." Ritsuko said, "Nothing unusual in the psychograph or the nerve connections, which is strange in and of itself." Misato clenched her teeth.

"Alright, then." She said, "All of you, get in the position. We'll transfer the data we have so far over to you once you're up there. Does anyone have any questions?"

"_Shouldn't our Fearless Leader tell us what to do instead of you?"_

Ritsuko shook her head.

"I still outrank him." Misato said, "Now, get topside and get into position. We're sending up one weapon each. One word, all of you: caution."

**2**

As Unit 02 moved into position, Asuka felt that the motions were just the smallest bit clunky. It was handling as well as it ever had, but there was a split-second abnormality in her movements that she couldn't quite explain. It did nothing to better her mood.

It had been a long walk to Hikari's house, an even more arduous effort to bury her frustrations. She hoped Hikari wouldn't turn her down on her last-minute request... she was prepared to sleep on the street if that was what it took. She was not going back there, to that freakshow.

_That little coward... they give him an official command, not just some _de facto _rank, and what does he do with it? Tries to pass it around like it was a radioactive ball. Tries to pass it onto me._

_Asuka-chan, did you ever think that maybe he really thought you'd do a better job at taking the lead? He had the right of command, and he chose to pass it onto you. What he said made sense._

_I don't need his fucking charity, and I won't follow his orders! He doesn't get my respect with his oh-so-shiny Numbah Wann position! He should've felt honored, not scared! It's an insult!_

Unit 02 moved against the rail and Asuka leaned her EVA back. There, again, that nanosecond of disconnect where the difference between her EVA's back and her own back became apparent. Blink, and you'd miss it, but she caught it.

_No matter. I'll show him how it's done. Sync ratio doesn't make him my better._

With a jolt, the Evangelion was lifted and shot through the system of vertical rails that tied into disinterring spots scattered throughout Tokyo-3. The ascent didn't fill her with the rush that it used to, but it was still there. She was right at home, where she belonged, in an EVA cockpit, suspended in LCL.

_I didn't get much sleep last night, that's what's bringing me down._

After making it to Hikari's in one piece, too tired but unable to admit it, she had sat up for an hour or two with her. Hikari had been curious about where she had disappeared to, reminding Asuka that she had missed calls, numbering in double digits. She had told Hikari all she could, which was almost nothing. Her friend had, however, noticed that she was down and had asked, which was her right, Asuka supposed, if Shinji had done something again.

Asuka hadn't told her anything. She wouldn't discuss him.

She wouldn't say that she had lost to him.

**3**

The three EVA units came up almost at once, their lifts shooting up and abruptly stopping once they were level with the ground. Their umbilical cables attached, each one surveyed the scene and saw that they had been placed in a semi-circle in front of (_it's more like on one side of, _Shinji thought) the supposed Angel. The equipment delivery lifts hissed and groaned as they delivered their payloads to each Evangelion. Shinji retrieved the Pallet Rifle and the spare clip. Rei racked the slides of a handgun and picked up the Smash Hawk, weighing the axe out of reflex. Miyamoto's advice was to know the weight of her weapon, so that she could know what it could and could not do.

Asuka found that she was set up with a weapon she recognized from their encounter with the Angel Israfel – the Sonic Glaive.

_Oh, that's just great. They stuck me with _this_ thing, too._

**4**

"What's the status?" Misato asked.

"Unchanged." Makoto reported, "It's still sitting there."

"Pattern Analysis, iteration 4. It's still orange." Maya said.

"What's it waiting for..?" Misato wondered, mostly to herself.

**5**

_What's it waiting for? _Asuka wondered. She had spent the past fifteen minutes waiting for it to make a move, but instead, it was insisting on doing nothing.

Deciding, to hell with it, Asuka opened a conference call to the others. She decided to not take her eyes off the entity – that way, she wouldn't have to look at either one of them.

"_It's weird." _Shinji said, _"It's just sort of there, isn't it? It's not attacking or anything."_

"_It might be reactive." _Rei said, _"According to the analysis sent by the HQ, it is not an Angel."_

"What does our Fearless Leader suggest?"

"_I'm not sure."_

"Oh? Shinji the Undefeatable is uncertain? We must be in dire straits already!"

"_You're right. We have to do something. What do you think?"_

"Me? You're the leader, you figure it out!"

"_Alright. We'll engage it. Straight line, all of us, we'll converge on one point."_

"_Understood." _Rei said.

"Hey, Leader, switch with me."

"_What?"_

"Weapons. Switch weapons with me."

"_Why?"_

"Are you dense? You can't take the combat lead with that rifle. And my aim is way better than yours."

"_Fine. Catch!"_

Smiling, Asuka spun around and threw the Glaive like a javelin. A second later, she caught the rifle and gave it a whirl. Good. Step one was complete.

"_Here's the spare clip!"_

Asuka added that to her EVA's armaments. _Good._

"_I'll approach first." _Shinji said, _"Wait for two seconds and follow me. Rei, you'll provide us with cover, so you'll have to take off with me."_

"_Roger."_ Rei said.

"_Ready?"_

_Chance._

**6**

Without warning, Unit 02 launched headlong down the path leading to the unconfirmed Angel. Stomping through the ground, the red Evangelion tore through the distance.

"_Asuka! Shit!"_

Unit 01 followed suit a second later. Shinji held the Glaive with both hands and bent forward, giving everything he had to his legs. Inside the cockpit, it didn't feel that the EVA was moving, but rather he himself was gunning for the red Evangelion. He saw Rei making her way through with haste also, but compared to him, she was taking a casual stroll. He saw the scene in front of him not through the visual interface, but drank in every minute detail, every street, every broken window on every building, all the way to the small shapes on the Angel's form (a script, he saw) that from a distance looked like solid lines.

He felt his pulse, but it wasn't in his chest or temples – it was spreading throughout his body, coursing through his veins, this pure energy...

**7**

As soon as the Angel was within range, Asuka leveled the rifle. She didn't break stride as she fired in three-round bursts, aware of Shinji shouting his protests. She grinned. This one was hers. Another three-burst, nine in total and-

**8**

Alarms wailed, echoing through the spacious cavern of the war room. Fresh information flooded the screens as Misato stopped shouting orders at an unresponsive Asuka.

"Pattern analysis confirmed blue!" Maya shouted, "It's an Angel!"

"All units-" Misato began, but Maya cut her off.

"The Angel was detected underneath the sphere!"

Misato pressed the button.

"All units, fall back! I said, withdraw, Asuka, what're- _Shinji, what are you doing!?"_

**9**

The bullets went straight through the sphere. The split-second disconnect made her stumble, slightly, and that was all it took for Shinji to catch up with her.

Before Asuka could react to either event, Shinji's EVA leapt forward and spun. Shinji's elbow barely missed the side of Unit 02's head, causing Asuka to stumble. Shinji saw Unit 00 out of the corner of his eye – still a good five seconds away. Too long. Unit 01 landed on its feet, and just as Asuka recovered, Shinji flipped the Glaive and held it with both hands before charging the red Evangelion. He went low at the last second, caught Asuka right under her stomach. He put one foot back and, eliciting a surprised shriek from Asuka, lifted and threw Unit 02 away and down the road. Unit 02 reduced the top half of a high-rise to broken glass and masonry with one hand. Shinji swung the Glaive up, extending its reach. The weapon hummed and cut the umbilical cable supplying Asuka.

Inside Unit 02's cockpit, a single bleep was heard, and the battery timer appeared. It began to count down, quite rapidly, from 5 minutes.

"Rei!" Shinji said, "Back Asuka!"

"_Ikari-"_

"_Shinji, what are you doing!?" _Misato's strained, almost desperate voice reverberated in the LCL.

"_What do you think you're doing you-" _Asuka's protests were cut short when Shinji moved onto the next step – to take a swipe at the Angel.

_I can do this. I'm the Leader. I can do this!_

Shinji turned and crouched, building the move. He promptly leapt at the Angel, bringing the Glaive around in a graceful, almost impossibly precise vertical arc that went dead center. The blade passed through the shape, cutting only thin air. Shinji saw the Angel's shadow underneath him, rising quickly as Unit 01 fell. It landed hard, but Shinji was back on his feet in no time.

Unit 01 took two steps back, head tilted up in order to see the shape. That was when Shinji felt a sudden spasm jerk both feet and move up through his legs. He stumbled, gyrating from the waist up to keep himself balanced.

"_Ikari," _Rei's voice came, _"Unit 02 is secure."_

"Ayanami..!"

"_...I'm coming to back you up."_

"_That's the Angel!" _Misato said, _"That's the Angel underneath you!"_

When the 'Angel' passed ankle-level, Shinji understood what was happening.

**10**

The war room and the cockpits of Unit 00 and Unit 02 were almost instantly filled with the sound of escalation, of rising panic. The crescendo of terror sounded like a 14-year-old boy, violently taking stabs at the shadow on the ground that'd swallow him, and demanding to know what was happening, where everyone was.

Some hearing it were blessed with the uncertainty of whether he could be helped. Misato didn't have that luxury, and Ritsuko scolded such things. Presently, she took the microphone from Misato.

"_What's happening!? What the hell is this!? Somebody, tell me, show me, what's... no. No! No!"_

"Rei. Withdraw." Ritsuko said, "You can't help him."

"_Somebody! Anybody! Misato! Rei! Help me! Help me!"_

"..._Understood." _replied Rei.

When Ritsuko passed the microphone back, Unit 02 had sunk in up to its waist. A last-ditch effort saw the EVA chuck the Sonic Glaive at the sphere like a spear, only to have it cut through nothing and fly out of reach.

**11**

"_I'm sinking, I'm sinking! I'm sinking!"_

"You fucking idiot! You _imbecile_! You stupid son of a bitch!"

There was not a word for the feeling in Asuka's gut. Guilt. Panic. Worry. Anger. Hurt. Urgency. But most of all, vehement frustration. The counter on the side was telling her that she had 3 minutes left, and counting. In the near distance, Unit 01 was madly clawing at the air, Shinji's screams making the EVA seem almost like a man in a costume – it was as if Unit 01, too, was panicking. It's movements were minutely in sync, right down to the twitchy jerks and incomplete swipes at a non-existent rope.

"_Help me! Please! Please someone help me! Stop it! Stop!"_

Presently, Unit 02 was on its feet, two hundred meters from the edge of the shadow, trying to press forward. Asuka had gotten on top of a rather sturdy high-rise in order to make the leap. Outside, precariously balanced on the building, which even then was shifting as it strained under the weight of two EVA units, Rei's blue-white Unit 00 was maintaining a tight grip on the red Evangelion's shoulders. Unit 02 strained against the hold, trying to move forward, trying to break free, but Rei held on tight.

Unit 01 was up to its chest. Asuka had two minutes and forty-seven seconds left.

Unit 00's comm-window opened and Rei's voice, laced with the barest hint of urgency, resonated through the LCL filling Asuka's cockpit.

"_Stop. You can't do anything."_

"Let me go you fucking mannequin!" Asuka pulled on the controls, her jaw aching from clenching her teeth with the effort, "Let me go or I'll throw you to the fucking thing! Let... me..."

"_We were ordered to retreat. The building underneath us won't hold us both forever."_

"Run back to your owners, then! And to think you call yourself a pilot is-"

"_You can't help him."_

Pure terror echoed in Unit 02 as Shinji's voice broke through, just as Unit 01's head was swallowed.

"_Asuka! Asuka, hel-"_

Suddenly, there was only static on the line. Shinji's face, burned into the frame as a snapshot of intense fear, vanished into screen snow. The battery power counter was ticking down the time that had already run out.


	10. Weakness

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 9  
"Weakness"**

**1**

Ritsuko's matter-of-fact voice and her casual demeanor was this close to making Misato take a fist to her friend's face. Not two hours since Shinji had disappeared into the shadow, and she already seemed like she was bored with the whole affair. Misato knew that Ritsuko-as-a-scientist dictated this, that when it was her work, she was much like a machine, heartless and hyperefficient.

But the screams of a fourteen year old boy begging to be rescued still echoed in her head.

She was glad that Units 00 and 02 had finally been reigned in. Unit 02 had had to be carried by Rei after it had shut down due to lack of power. Not a word had been heard from either of the pilots, save for Rei reporting that she had secured Unit 02.

Presently, Misato and Ritsuko were in the war room, waiting for the pilots to turn up, so that they could be briefed. The debriefing would have wait.

Ritsuko was speaking.

"According to this, the sphere we see is the shadow the Angel casts. What we first took to be a shadow is the Angel. By way of technical specifications, the Angel is 680 meters wide, but only 3 nanometers thick."

"Why is it so thin?" Makoto asked, "Or rather, why is it so... abnormally proportioned?"

"According to this," Maya said, "The Angel's A.T. Field isn't of the garden variety."

"And that's the weird thing..." Shigure chimed in, "...isn't it?"

Ritsuko nodded. Misato was listening.

"The Angel's 'shadow' as we see it is a Dirac Sea." She said, "It's a pocket dimension into which it can observe materials from this dimension. It's a wild guess, but it might be trying to... devour, if you will, Tokyo-3 to reach GeoFront."

"What's Shinji's status?" Misato asked.

"We've just retrieved the umbilical cable." Shigeru said, "It was severed."

"Then he has..." Misato began, but couldn't continue.

"Five minutes," Maya said, "But the EVA's internal life support system should, if he doesn't move around or panic," Misato clenched her teeth, ", last about 15, maybe 16 hours. 14 now."

"Technically, he could subsist on LCL." Ritsuko said.

"There has to be a way to get him out." Misato said, crossing her arms, "There has to be."

"While we work on an idea I have," Ritsuko said, "You better go down there and collect your pilots."

Misato glared at her, her disbelief mingling with her distress, but figured that the best thing she could do was walk out of the war room.

**2**

When Asuka got to the hallway that'd lead them back into the base, she found that Rei was waiting for her, her bluish hair still slightly wet from the LCL. Just seeing her stand there, face blank, infuriated her.

"Waiting to gloat?" Asuka asked.

"They're waiting for us." Rei announced, like how one would say that it was snowing outside.

"I'm not deaf." Asuka said.

"You didn't respond."

"I don't get a choice, so why bother? And what're we gonna do there? Tell them what a colossal failure that was? Or what a moron he was?"

A small muscle on the side of Rei's lips twitched. Asuka caught it.

"What? It's his own damn fault! His plan, if you could call it that, was weak, and then he decided to screw with me instead of keeping his eye on the prize, and then he pulled that idiotic stunt with the Glaive – if there's one thing that's for sure, that fool brought it on his own damn self! That's what happens when you choose a sheep to do a wolf's work, I mean – what is he, totally brainless?"

The punch came out of nowhere and blinded her with its impact – Asuka felt it crack just short of her eye. It was a sturdy blow, much more powerful than she would have expected of the sickly-looking First Children, but it sent her stumbling, tripping over her own feet. She caught the wall at the last second and managed to keep standing.

"Really?" she asked through a vicious smile, "Does me saying bad stuff about him make you this angry..?"

Asuka looked through her hair to find Rei as she had never seen her before – her face was an expression of anger.

"Do you really pilot the EVA just so that others will give you praise?" Rei asked, "Is that praise so important to you, that you'd throw Ikari away just to get it? Are you that insecure?"

Asuka shook, but didn't show it. Not to her. She wouldn't get the satisfaction.

"No. I need no praise. I know I'm the best, and that's enough."

Rei rubbed her knuckles.

"You don't know anything." She said.

**3**

Shinji stared at the familiar ceiling of Unit 01's cockpit. It had been little more than two hours, and he was still alive. The EVA had shut down, yes – the battery had gone out as he had trashed around, trying to find something to go by, some point of reference that'd give him a sense of direction. There had been nothing – the vast, blank space outside of the EVA was displayed only as pitch-black screens, which had turned off when the battery had gone out. It cut his awareness of the EVA, and by extension, he felt like he had been stuffed into the tight space of the entry plug for the first time since he had entered it. After he hadn't choked to death in fifteen minutes (by his estimate), Shinji had remembered that the EVA had a life-support function. He didn't know how long it'd last, but thought it best to not move around too much.

He'd just wait. They wouldn't abandon him. He knew they wouldn't. They'd help him. Misato would. Ritsuko would. Rei would.

Asuka would. Maybe.

**4**

Misato moved out of cover once Asuka was standing up right again, rubbing her cheek. She marched over to them. Asuka saw her, and put her hands on her hips, which pissed Misato off right then and there. Rei turned around and gave her a nod in greeting. Misato decided to stop just short of Rei and keep her out of arm's length.

"Rei." Misato said, "Do you know where the forward quarters are?"

Rei nodded.

"Get some rest. You're on standby."

Rei walked off. Asuka was about to protest when Misato's gaze stopped her short.

"You." Misato said, "Are you quite finished?"

Asuka's jaw dropped.

"He acted like an idiot, acted carelessly." Misato said, "When he gets back, and he will be back here if I have anything to do with it, I'm going to let him have it. That last stunt he pulled is inexcusable. Attacking a fellow pilot, rushing blindly ahead... he's in for a good, solid scolding."

Asuka's smile could only form halfway, as Misato continued.

"He did it to protect you." Misato said, "Do you understand that? After all the shit you gave him, he did it to protect you." Silence, "You switched weapons to have an excuse to be on the vanguard. You started off early in his countdown to get a head-start. You were the one positioned in the middle of the other two, so you went for the spear tip formation – except you didn't."

"Wait a minu-"

"You did it so you could have a shot at taking out the Angel before they could get into position. You did it so you could kill the Angel by yourself. Isn't that right?"

"I'm a pilot!" Asuka said, her voice rising, "Killing Angels is what I do!"

"You _failed._" Misato spat, "Shinji is more than you ever gave him credit for. He saw what you were doing, and realized how stupid, how dangerous it was – he put you out of action because you were a danger to _yourself. _To keep you from getting hurt. He went on ahead after that, because he thought he could handle it alone. Because of all the sync-ratio _bullshit_ of the past two weeks. Because of me. And because of _you._"

Asuka was almost shaking.

"For that, you don't get a scolding." Misato said, "You don't get off that easily. Now find the forward quarters and wait for your orders."

Misato turned and walked away without a glance behind.

**4**

Misato could feel a headache coming on as she entered the war room to find Ritsuko's talented fingers moving rapidly across the back-lit keys of Maya's console. Maya, Shigure and Matoko were lost in discussion, their words indistinct and whatever ones Misato caught were pieces of technical terminology. She approached the crowd and peered over Ritsuko's head. What she was doing, Misato saw, was arranging a set of variables (the numbers 1 and 992 repeated frequently) into a calculation of some sort.

"What've you got?" Misato asked. Maya, Makoto and Shigure stepped back to salute her.

"We've come up with something." Ritsuko said, "The calculations are still incomplete, but the theory is sound."

"Just tell me, Ritsuko."

"We can commission the JSSDF to bring about all of the N2 bombs they posses." Ritsuko said, "Our records indicate that they have 992."

"N2 bombs aren't that effective against the Angels, though they were meant to be." Matoko said, "But that might have been because we used too little of them."

"The A.T. Field is still a problem." Ritsuko said, "Which is what curbs the effectiveness of the bombs."

Misato raised an eyebrow.

"You're not suggesting..."

Ritsuko nodded.

"If it is feasible enough, we will drop all 992 bombs directly into the Angel."

"...what?"

"If the remaining two EVA units can neutralize the A.T. Field, then we have a chance."

"Are you..." Misato found it hard to even say it, "...serious?"

"It's feasible." Maya offered.

"What about Shinji? Can the EVA even take that much!?"

"The recovery of Unit 01's body takes priority. As long as we can retrieve it..."

"Ritsuko!" Misato shouted, mortified "You can't be serious! This wouldn't be a rescue operation, this'd be murder!"

Ritsuko sighed.

"Could you give us a moment?" she asked those assembled. One by one, they all walked out. Ritsuko took off her glasses and turned the chair around to face Misato, who was desperately hoping to hear something that she had missed, something that made it alright.

"Truth is, Shinji shouldn'tve been in this position in the first place."

"But... come on, Ritsuko..."

"His survival is not a concern." Ritsuko said, without a hint of emotion, "Whether he lives is not important here. What's important is the retrieval of Unit 01 from the Angel. Anything else is for academic papers to pontificate on."

Misato was speechless.

"If it's any consolation, the timetable of this puts us well outside Shinji's life expectancy. If nothing changes, he will have been dead already."

**5**

Track 25.

What was it called, Shinji wondered, and why couldn't he remember? The mere thought of it conjured up several images, but the most prominent and fully-realized of them was the intersection. The sun would be at a certain angle that he couldn't measure. There'd be a man wearing a suit, whom Shinji had seen once in NERV and thought he might be working there, carrying a brown briefcase. The topmost button of his shirt would be undone.

As Track 25 was there, it also sometimes wasn't. The mixtape had 27 tracks in it, the 26th an interlude leading up to the final one, which was always incomplete. Shinji didn't quite know the song all that well, as the scant few times when he had actually managed to listen to it didn't let him learn it. Always, always incomplete.

Shinji had figured that if he had started to listen to the mixtape and picture songs in their entirety, leaving nothing out, no matter how tedious, he could have a measure of the time that had passed.

That was 82 minutes and 31 seconds ago, and in 2... 3... 1...

_This is stupid._

The chill of the entry plug, first at his feet, was slowly moving up his legs. It was getting colder. Shinji could do nothing but stare at what passed for a familiar ceiling, and think of Track 25.

There were rare times when he didn't listen to that particular tape – those times when he walked Asuka home, or escorted her to school. The volatile redhead would be a mixture of emotions, full of notions and references to things he didn't know about or didn't understand, brand new jabs at him and his distinctive existence, so much so that he often wondered if she spent some time coming up with them all.

_What does it matter, anyway..? What does any of it matter?_

_How long has it been, just now..?_

**6**

Asuka didn't know how much time had passed. The forward quarters was a series of small rooms that allowed a cot (or a series of cots) and a night stand, all military issue. The rooms themselves were gridlocked, stuck on either sides of a long corridor. A pilot's clearance allowed her to take a single room, which she had. The light was off. She hadn't bothered to turn it on.

Something in the pit of her stomach wouldn't leave her alone.

It felt like the onset of her period, which she still didn't understand why she had to get (she didn't want children, she hated them.) Cold, merciless, inescapable and inside her, where she couldn't dig to and claw it out.

"_You failed."_

"I hate Misato." Asuka whispered, "Who wants to take orders from a drunk?"

"_Are you that insecure?"_

"I hate Rei. She's just like a puppet. A doll."

"_Asuka! Asuka, hel-"_

Asuka clenched her teeth. She couldn't get that sound out of her head – the sound of her name, desperately mouthed, like a prayer. Like a prayer one would say to God when one wanted help, two seconds before the impact hit home. Reaching out, trying to catch, begging for help, help, help, _help me, help me..._

Asuka shook her head. The snapshot of his face seemed to have been burned into her eyelids. She wished she had never looked. There she was, alone, in a dark room having to contend with this pain inside her without even knowing what it was, and...

"I hate this, I hate _this!"_ Asuka said, vocalizing it felt like she was actually screaming at someone, "Why do I have to be stuck in here for his mistake!? That fucking brainless moron! He just had to go ahead, he just had to get in my way! He-"

"_He did it to protect you."_

"Why? Why?"

Asuka felt the scream knotted in her throat. It wanted to get out, it had to get out, it had to be felt as it strummed furiously on her vocal chords.

"_I_ _hate Shinji!"_

Asuka punched the wall. The pain barely registered.

"I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, _I hate him!_ Why does he have to be so... so..."

The thought twisted itself around, reflecting the other side of the thin looking glass. Everything she felt, condensed into one word, caught her unawares and brought her down. Asuka didn't dare venture near the thought, because the only thing she could see in it was demise.

_Look at this, just look at me! You've made me weak! I let my guard down for one moment and you made me weak! I hate you. I hate you._

Misato's cold distance, Rei's punch, Kaji's absence...

_I hate you all! I hate every single one of you but the one I hate the most is _myself!

"No..." her voice broke, "No... no... no... this isn't..."

_I failed. All I did was fuck things up, out there... some Field Commander. The rank doesn't even exist, I just made it up to make it seem more like I was in charge. I wasn't fooling anybody._

Tears began to fall. Asuka stumbled back and onto the bed, her momentum carrying her head right onto the wall. Her teeth rattled, but she didn't feel the pain. She didn't feel anything at all.

_Idiot... and now you're probably dead._

A snapshot of Shinji's scared face, now hers – dead. Flesh dessicated, lips pulled back to reveal an eternal, rotting snarl. Thinning strands of hair decorating the scalp like dead leaves. Maggots, big ones, small ones, crawling into her eye sockets, one poking its head out of a nose hole, the red plugsuit ruined and-

Her stomach lurched. She bent forward, barely making it into position and threw up bile. She sat there, coughing, trying to pull herself together.

_I'm the one who had to save you..._


	11. Wannabe

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 10  
"Wannabe"**

**1**

The LCL was starting to get just a bit thicker. It had turned into freezing what felt like hours ago, prompting him to curl up in order to preserve his body heat. After that, the lights had dimmed to the point of near-darkness, the dance of claustrophobia and agoraphobia nauseating him. Then, he had begun to actually taste LCL. Coppery, heavy and bitter, it had grown thicker in substance until...

Shinji choked. He tried to draw in breath, every attempt reminding him that he couldn't.

_Purification filter is shot. I'm inhaling blood. I'm swallowing blood. I'm drinking blood._

_They all said I'd get myself killed. I'll drown in blood, that's my end._

Shinji felt a strange calm overtake him, despite the strain of trying to breathe through contaminated LCL. He felt his muscles relax, and he opened up, spreading his limbs and settling into the drift. He could feel his body gently floating down to the pilot's seat, his own weight pulling him, millimeter by millimeter.

Shinji closed his eyes.

_If I could just sleep, maybe when I wake up, they'll have found me... just for a few minutes... I'd much prefer to die in my sleep._

_Who am I kidding..._

**2**

**EVANGELION UNIT 02: SECOND CHILDREN**

**SYNCHRONIZATION RATE: 64.09%**

**3**

Asuka felt the LCL irritate her slightly. She found that she was, despite everything else, still uneasy with the fact that it was essentially a liquid. It wasn't just that. The EVA felt downright heavy. Reluctant. Sluggish.

"Come on." Asuka said, wearily, "Come on. You are my EVA. You are my doll. Don't disagree with me. Do what I tell you to do. I'm telling you to wake up."

Unit 02, propped up against the umbilical bridge with its umbilical cable attached as per Asuka's commands, didn't shift by much. Asuka herself didn't feel at all up to par – it felt like weights were tied to her limbs, and someone had made sure she didn't sleep for a week straight. Nevertheless, she tried. She opened up a comm channel to the war room. It took a while, but Misato's face finally appeared.

"_Asuka, why are you in Unit 02?"_

"It's my EVA. I'll live in it if I want to."

Misato sighed.

"_I'm not letting you topside if you intend to go wild again. Not now."_

"Try and stop me." Asuka spat, "Anyway, I'm not going to jump into something I can't see the depths of. I'm going up there a bit early to see for myself what's happening. I'm a genius, I'm sure you've heard, and I might see something you missed. So clear my launch."

"_Asuka, it's... we don't... it's almost to the operation. Shinji's life support will shut down soon. There might not be much you can..."_

"All the more reason, then."

Silence on the other end. Asuka saw Misato bite her lip, and knew that she had won.

**4**

The empty train was moving. Going nowhere. The rhythmic clacking was almost a lullaby, or maybe the beating of two hearts, one after the other. The sun was too bright to see anything out the window. The passenger sat there, in his lap the broken pieces of an SDAT player. He felt a sense of loss at the destruction of the machine, strangely detached from actual meaning, but still there. The gleam reflecting off of the plastic surface reminded him of the dying of the light.

_The object is meaningless._

Shinji blinked and suddenly, sitting opposite from him, was a boy. He looked like him, Shinji saw, almost exactly like him. He was sitting with his arms crossed, and the sunset light didn't let Shinji see his face. Shinji looked around to see if there was anyone else. There was one, a woman in the next compartment, whose silhouette was the only thing he could see.

"Excuse me?" he asked, "Who are you?"

_Shinji Ikari._

"That's me."

_I am you. One has a self within oneself, just as one has a self within others._

"Others?"

_The self that watches itself and the self that is watched by others. Each of them are true._

"And the object is meaningless."

_It does not have a self, only the imbued self, put there by another self, one that watches others._

"Who are these other selves?"

_The Shinji Ikari that exists in your mind. The Shinji Ikari that exists in Misato Katsuragi's mind. The Shinji Ikari that exists in Gendo Ikari's mind..._

"I don't exist in his mind..."

_The Shinji Ikari that exists in Rei Ayanami's mind. The Shinji Ikari in Asuka Langley Soryuu's mind... you are afraid of them all, yet you fear that one the most._

"She doesn't care for me at all."

_You looked to her for help._

"I'm not afraid to."

_You fear the Shinji Ikari in her mind, because you feel like that self is the only one you can change, but don't know how to._

"What does it matter anymore? I'm..."

**5**

Unit 02 lurched forward, its movements even, calculated, but also robotic and lacking in grace. Asuka gradually pushed the EVA further, forcing it to move down. She pulled out her Prog Knife just in case, as she hadn't managed to coax more weapons out of Misato. Still, the Prog Knife in and of itself was an impressive piece of hardware, so she had that on her side.

"Why are you so slow..? This is my chance, do what I tell you to do. Go faster."

In the distance, she could see the sphere that was Leliel, still floating. Asuka was more mindful of the shadow on the ground, which, she saw, had already submerged all that, until recently, had been above it. It was beyond jumping range, and Asuka knew that the "Angel" wouldn't be harmed... nobody had said anything about the shadow.

_All you need to do is to not die on me, Shinji. Just don't die and I'll show you what I can do. You'll see. I'll figure this out before they go ape and level the place._

Asuka reached for the nearest building and tore off a chunk from its side. As masonry and dust ran through the Evangelion's fingertips, she angled it, and chucked it straight into the shadow. All that accomplished was to feed the Dirac Sea another meaningless piece of wreckage.

Asuka glanced at the countdown display, counting down Shinji's life support.

**00:00:17**

"Seventeen seconds..."

She tried to think. Her mind was in a strange state, scattering her thoughts to trivial things, going on tangents when it was supposed to work on the problem.

"Inverted A.T. Field... if two EVAs could cancel that, maybe I could only shift it? Find myself a way in?"

**00:00:08**

"Damn it! God damn you!" Unit 02 shuffled its feet, stepping forward, stopping just short of the shadow's reach, "I'll... I'll...

_There's nothing I can do. Oh, God, there's _nothing.

**00:00:06**

**00:00:03**

"Nothing, nothing, _nothing! Nothing! There's nothing!"_

**00:00:00**

_There's nothing. I failed. I failed._

**7**

**EVANGELION UNIT 02: SECOND CHILDREN**

**SYNCHRONIZATION RATE: 48.73%**

**8**

"I'm a failure. Even my father didn't want me. And no wonder, I screwed up again." He chuckled, "Maybe he'll be glad I'm dead."

_Your father praised you, once. That is a pleasant memory._

Shinji's face lit up, only for a second.

"Once." He said, "I remember... I'll never forget."

_Do you live off of the recollection of whatever pleasures you find?_

"I have nothing else."

_I can't live this way. Not for long._

"If I could trust them, I could live... only to lie."

_You think this is deceiving yourself._

"Isn't it? People do that all the time. They lie to themselves. She does it, too."

_She is important to you. Yet you're afraid to reach out to her._

"Why should I? She thinks I'm worthless. I thought she didn't, once..."

_You cling to the memory of more pleasurable times, to ignore the pain in between. That's why the object is meaningless._

Shinji stared at the pieces of the SDAT player.

"Mother's..." he said.

_To keep her with you, to never be alone, to feel wanted by an inanimate object... this is what the object is. It is you, running away._

"I'm not running..." Shinji said.

_From the object to something else, again, from one escape to the next. No-one can live as the sum of their hideouts, strung up in a rosary._

"But I finally found something. Something I could do, something others will thank me for doing. Something to make me more than just the kid who sleeps in the shed, the idiot... it's painful, it's hard, it hurts more than I can stand and I don't know how many times I wished I had died... but it's mine. It's mine and I want it. Is it so wrong to want it..? To want it like this..? To not be expandable, to not be replaceable, to be more than what I am to them..?"

_Then, without it, you would not have an image of self. You would not exist._

"Oh, _fuck _you!" Shinji snapped, "What do you know about it!? I'm-"

Distant sensation of his body lurching, limbs spasming in unconscious desire to execute a series of futile moves that would do nothing to shield him from what was coming. He knew that the life support had just shut down completely.

"It doesn't matter. I'm dead anyway."

_You are not dead._

"I will be, soon. I'll die in this one thing that I liked."

_If it has died, you must have died, yet you are not dead. Why are you not dead? Why do you exist?_

"I'm..."

**9**

Misato balefully beheld the digital countdown. In damning, red numbers, it displayed, -**00:05:45**. She grabbed the nearest seat and sat down. She faced away from Ritsuko and her ilk – knowing what they were about to do, hating the inevitability of it all, loathing the mission that came attached to it. It was one of the rare moments when the reality of what she was doing refused to relent, refused to leave room for hope.

"We'll wait for the timer to reach 8 minutes minus." Ritsuko said, "The plugsuit may give him a small boost, and make up for lost time. After that, we'll proceed. Is that okay, Misato?"

Misato didn't respond.

"Misato..?"

"Yes." Misato said, "Yes, damn you. I'll ring Asuka and tell her to be ready."

**10**

Awareness of the entry plug, now completely dim, save for the nocturnal glow of his plugsuit. No air to breathe, no LCL to nurture him, the smell of blood and isolation filling his lungs, spreading throughout his body.

Track 25 in his ears and a familiar face... drawing closer...

_I can't breathe... I can't..._

The woman in the next compartment of the train, entering theirs through the sliding door...

_They left me here... they abandoned me... nobody's coming... nobody's coming for me..._

Her face obscured by the sunlight... familiar...

_They left me here to die... it's over. It's over._

Bending over his, the face... unseen, never seen before and not seen now, but somehow letting him know it was full of... _love._

Shinji heard his own voice, far and wee.

"Mother..?"

**11**

Unit 02 chucked the Progressive Knife at the sphere – Asuka knew that it wouldn't do anything, only serve to further her frustration. She was shaking, her hands gripping the control bars so tight that she was hearing it groan under the pressure. Overhead, the first sorties of the JSSDF aircraft were visible, drawing lines on the sky. Getting ready to level the Angel. Moving into position to kill Shinji, to put the final nail in the coffin of her.

_You are not going to die, you stupid asshole... you are not going to die. I'll show you. I'll show you all!_

Unit 02 was stationary. Asuka willed it to move. There was static in her head, static lacing the inside of the entry plug. Interference from something she couldn't see, couldn't dig deep enough to dig out.

**12**

**EVANGELION UNIT 02: SECOND CHILDREN**

**SYNCHRONIZATION RATE: 39.3%**

**13**

"Fucking _move_!" Asuka said, "They can't bomb it if it's the two of us in there, move forward! Come on! You are my EVA, you will do what I say! Move, damn it, move! Move! MOVE!"

The EVA was moving, after a fashion, but it seemed reluctant. All Asuka needed was two steps, but it wasn't complying with her command.

Asuka, pulling frantically on the controls, didn't notice Rei come and take her position on the next avenue over. The operation and her part in it had completely disappeared, dissolved into the raging storm inside her. A comm-window opened and Rei's voice, cold and emotionless, broke through.

"_Are you ready?"_

**12**

Rei saw, somewhere near the epicenter of the Angel, movement that looked like something was taking a picket axe to the ceiling of the Dirac Sea. The single-point rupture rapidly blossomed with spidering cracks, reaching out both from this point and beginning to appear on their own all over. The surface cracked, rapidly painted with criss-crossing fault lines, exposing a thin surface. 3 nanometers thick, and it was now bared for all to see.

The Angel's spherical form shuddered, drawing the attention of Asuka and Rei towards it. It shuddered again. Without warning, a hand, contorted into a claw-like shape, burst out of the sphere, reaching out to the elbow, inviting spurts of blood with it. Asuka saw the liquid cake the hand, drip lazily from the fingers, dripping down...

The hand withdrew. Before their eyes, two sets of hands emerged from the top of the sphere and curled to grip it. A gash began to run down the side, cutting through the circular shapes as the sphere's top parted. A sound, reverberating, howling, began to echo, increasing as the hands pushed the sphere further and further, shaking with the strain.

With a disgusting sound of bone and flesh bending the wrong way, of ligaments snapping, both sides of the gash, near-perfect half-spheres, were parted, pushed aside as, before Asuka and Rei's watchful eyes and to the utter shock of those assembled in the war room, Unit 01 emerged.

Covered from nose to sternum in blood, the Evangelion rose its head to the skies and howled, thick geysers of blood spurting out all across the gash from which it had emerged – that terrible, shaking sound, dripping with anger, lament and despair, vibrating in the throat of the hulking giant, shaking its abnormally large teeth as its mouth hung open, a piece of the jaw-lock hanging from its side, scattered into the air.

The Evangelion screamed and screamed and screamed...

**13**

Misato felt her stomach churn at the sight, and from Maya, standing right next to her, turning white as a ghost, she saw that her response was something similar. Ritsuko, one hand still on the microphone's button, looked absolutely disturbed. The sound of the EVA's screaming had filled the room, and it kept on screaming, kept on screaming as if it was unleashing everything it was holding inside of itself for a long time.

"That's... Unit 01?" Misato managed, "That's the EVA?"

"Can we measure..." Ritsuko said, "Synchronization rate..?"

Maya forced herself to look away from the screen just as Unit 01, growling this time, ducked back into the Angel's "body", hands tearing chunks off of the gash. Maya's fingers clumsily danced across the pad, sending a remote signal to acquire the measurement Ritsuko had asked for. The calibration went underway quickly enough, just then, a gut-wrenching ripping sound, of flesh separating from flesh echoed through the war room. Maya looked out of the corner of her eye to see Unit 01 descending through the torn shreds of the Angel's sphere-shadow.

The screen bleeped. Maya's eyes widened.

**14**

Asuka watched as Unit 01 landed straight onto the spot it had landed on before, during the attack. Pieces torn out of the Angel's sphere-shadow graced it both with a thick shower of blood and with themselves – one black piece hung onto the shoulder of the Evangelion, much like an animal pelt.

Asuka's stomach lurched, but she had nothing to throw up.

"Am I... inside something... am I inside..."

Unit 01's head snapped up and looked straight at her then. Through clenched teeth, it growled.

**15**

"What did you say?" Ritsuko asked, not taking her eyes off of the screen.

"It's..." Maya swallowed, "The synchronization rate is 360%."

Misato snatched the microphone out of Ritsuko's hand and pressed the button so hard, she felt the button's slot scrape her finger.

"Shinji! Shinji, can you hear me? Shinji, please respond! _Shinji!_"


	12. Revengefuck

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 11  
"Revengefuck"**

**1**

**EVANGELION UNIT 02: SECOND CHILDREN**

**SYNCHRONIZATION RATE: 18.2%**

**2**

Asuka couldn't react as Unit 01, letting out a guttural growl, sprung from where it was and leapt into the air. Tracing a graceful arc, it landed hard, mere meters from Unit 02. Panic gripped Asuka; shrinking away and pressing hard against the seat, she began to pull on the controls. The need for escape took over her entire being. There was nothing else left – she just wanted to get away from the monster in front of her.

Unit 02 wasn't moving.

**3**

Ritsuko grabbed the microphone.

"Rei! Defend Unit 02!"

"_Understood."_

Misato felt dizzy as Ritsuko gave the microphone back. Behind her, Maya, Shigure and Makoto were working up a storm, shouting technical nonsense as to how the EVA was even operating without battery or any internal power left.

"He's on the brink of losing himself." Ritsuko said, "At this rate, the line between the EVA and his own self should be blurred... he's running the risk of disappearing, losing himself."

"What can we do..?"

"For now, let's hope Rei keeps it at bay... and that this state can't be sustained for long."

**4**

"Move, move, move, move, move, move, move, _move!"_ Asuka felt the controls wrench every time she pulled them as far back as they would go, desperately trying to get the EVA to make a move, to take a step back, away from this... _thing._

The curled fingers of Unit 01 jerked forward, the motion stopping as abruptly as it had began, and reached for Unit 02's throat. Asuka's eyes widened as she pulled, pulled and pulled, managing to elicit no reaction from her EVA. All she could hear was the growling, all she could see was the glowing eyes of the EVA, full of ill will...

"It won't move!" Asuka shrieked, _"It won't move!"_

Unit 00 emerged from between Unit 01's extended arms, using its shoulder pylons to force the elbow joints to bend backwards, to which Unit 01 responded by pulling its arms back. Unit 02 stumbled back, by two shaky steps. Rei stood between her and Unit 01, Prog Knife drawn and in a combat stance. The moment lingered, Units 00 and 01 staring each other down. Gradually, the blood-soaked Unit 01 wound down, it seemed. It gently settled onto its knees, let its arms hang on the sides. Head bent down, the light faded from its eyes.

Rei reached for the comm transmission the moment the spinal column of Unit 01 opened up and pushed the entry plug out.

**5**

Misato's foot was tapping on the grilled metal of the umbilical bridge, emitting a metallic sound with each strike of her boot's heel. A gurney was standing right beside her, along with three emergency residents. Emergency aid equipment, such as defibrillators and artificial breathers were stuffed into the space between the mattress and bottom railing of the gurney, all waiting to resuscitate Shinji Ikari... if he could be.

Ritsuko was smoking calmly next to Misato, but it was easy to see her the minute furrowing of her brow, her reserved mannerism. Misato didn't bother with that particular distraction – not when she had claimed that the pilot's life wasn't important.

The EVA unit, with the entry plug still exposed, was being maneuvered into its neutral position in the cage, ready to be locked in again. The heavy scent of blood and rotten meat had covered the bridge, and the EVA, Misato saw, was still drenched. With a shiver, she noticed that without the helmet, it looked like it was grinning madly with its eyes closed.

Slowly, Unit 01 was secured into place. The stench was unbearable by now, and Misato envied the paramedics for their surgical masks that would at least filter some of it.

"Let's go." Misato said, and, casting a sideways glance at Ritsuko, "Let's hope he's still alive."

**6**

At first, there was nothing. Just the silence, and the darkness. A sense of being beside himself, not being there at all. A distance that couldn't be bridged. Nothingness, if it was anything, had to be like this. Nothing.

Then, an echo. Echoes didn't exist in nothingness, did they? Nothing did, that was the point. But there it was. Something groaning. Something metal. A scraping sound, along with a clicking rotating sound. Sound existed in this nothingness. Who knew.

A light. So sharp and thin, it could cut through steel, it could cut through anything. Expanding, covering a larger area. Ah, the light at the end of the tunnel. What had Asuka said, once? It was his synapses firing as they died. He'd move closer and closer to it until the white-out washed his brain clean of his existence.

And there he was, being pulled closer. The last of him, excavated from the dead entry plug, a corpse. A maggot-ridden corpse, a dead thing. Him.

Closer now, closer still, every moment he was getting closer... the light felt warm... unbelievably warm... pulling him in.

Calling him home.

**7**

Misato didn't remember the last time she had cried like this. With the paramedics insisting that she should let go of him, she was holding onto his body with all her strength. She could feel his body, lithe and weak and cold, she could feel his heart beating... his lungs expanding to draw in air and contracting as they released...

_Thank God... Thank God... Thank God..._

"Major, please." A paramedic said, "We really need to get him sorted."

Misato withdrew reluctantly, but wouldn't let go of his hand. They put him on the gurney, began to hook him up to various devices. They took his hand from Misato to put on the heart monitor clip. Shinji looked delirious, his eyes turning in many directions, trying to catch a glimpse of where he was.

"It's alright." Misato whispered in his ear, "You're with us. You are safe now."

They took him away. Misato stared after him, a thousand worries in her head. Ritsuko came up to her side, snapping her right out of it.

"I'm glad he's alive." She said, "I didn't want to kill him, Misato."

"Save it." Misato said, "You can be so cold sometimes..."

"I suppose."

"He's alive. That's what matters."

"There is something else..." Ritsuko said, "...and it requires your attention."

"In a little while." Misato said, "I think I need a short break."

"Alright. I'll be in my lab."

Ritsuko left. Misato waited for her to get out of earshot to continue crying.

**8**

**EVANGELION UNIT 02: SECOND CHILDREN**

**SYNCHRONIZATION RATE: 0%**

"Sync rate... zero percent." Asuka murmured to herself.

While Shinji was being settled into the medical wing on the upper floors, Asuka was sitting next to her EVA. Unit 02 had been settled into the cage some time ago, and she had been extracted. Ever since then, she had sat there, holding her knees. The scant few technicians that passed her by went about their business as if she wasn't even there. There were a lot of them around, scurrying about to do this and that, stupid little details only technicians handled.

Every once in a while, she'd catch a word or two. She'd understand what they were talking about, identify familiar terms. None of them felt like they meant anything.

Asuka didn't move for a long time. Inside, the water was rising. She couldn't swim against the undercurrent dragging her down – humans weren't meant to float. It would engulf her soon, if it already hadn't. There was the pale, lifeless lights of the ceiling above, belonging to some kind of heaven, she guessed, and underneath her, the ice cold certainty of hell.

_Zero percent... I'm nothing._

**9**

"_...she succeeded in getting its body tucked away, comfortably enough, under her arm, with its legs hanging down, but generally, just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out, and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it WOULD twist itself round to look up in her face..."_

This was new. She wasn't used to hearing her own voice so much. The most she ever talked was if the Commander ever pulled her in for lunch, often giving her small pieces of his life as tokens of his appreciation. He didn't have to, as his orders meant she'd do it.

She wasn't used to reading to someone, either, let alone the second Ikari in her life. She was taken off standby, and he was injured. It had seemed the most natural thing to do, to do what she had done before, only this time without being ordered to: Watch over him.

_Second or third time now, I am the someone to watch over him._

Rei had chosen the book because it was on the subject of dreams, and because it was the only book she had in her duffel bag in the changing room. She had deemed it appropriate, because he, most likely, would be dreaming. Rei didn't dream, not exactly. She had been told by Dr. Akagi that the incomplete, unlinked images that every once in a while littered her sleep may have been dreams. But lately, she had been "dreaming", if it could be called that, more regularly. All of them seemed to feature him on the forefront. Him, his father's gloves and glasses, two fingers to push the lenses back to the correct position. At some point, she'd always tell him to take them off, that he didn't need them, but always feel that the real reason was because they looked unbecoming, inappropriate.

She had been frustrated by the elusive nature of these episodes, so she had requested a book about dreams. The one that passed Dr. Akagi's test was the one she was reading to Shinji. Maybe through this, she had thought, she would be able to understand how he and her dreams were connected.

Rei glanced at him. He seemed so at peace, as if merely sleeping. The I.V. hooked into his arm was just a cautionary measure. The various monitors at the head of his bed were beeping regularly – his heart was beating steadily. He was naked underneath the covers, she knew, a fact that somehow made her feel a warmer inside. She had been in this position before, but then, she hadn't really looked at him.

_Every face is distinct. Something to separate you from the others. An identifier. Patterns on a surface, recognized by the fusiform gyrus, responsible for various forms of recognition. Familiarity._

_His face is pleasant. It ties in with my other senses. Without touching, I can recall the smooth texture of his cheek. I know that his eyes are blue, the kind of blue that recalls the memory of clear skies. His scent is distinctively that of LCL, mixed with elements of his own. His voice, the frequency of which is so different in its reverberation than that of the other Ikari in my life... his voice is pleasant to my ears. All this familiarity I can't express... does it mean something? Is it supposed to?_

The heart monitor was beeping contentedly.

**10**

Asuka crawled through the corridors. The base was a maze and she felt like a rat. Probably looked like one, too, she thought. Her steps were uneven, her feet shuffling, and she had little awareness of where she was going. She had in her left hand seven different item requisition forms, all for an SDAT player. Carried in her clenched fist, the pages gave the appearance of a crushed scroll. She had asked for, begged for and in one instance forcibly extracted the forms, all of which was a bit of a blur. A tooth stuck in her right fist was the only confirmation she had that yes, that annoying fucking pencil-pusher had bled all over his share.

_Whatever._

_You're burning the candle at both ends, Asuka-chan. You're burning out._

_Fuck you. Let me burn out, then. Who gives a fuck anymore?_

**11**

A familiar ceiling, white. Light fixture at the bottom of his vision, dead center – currently emitting a bright halo. He only had to begin looking around a room he had become familiar with when he found, instead, Rei's face as he had never seen it before: curious. Curious about something that lived behind his eyes, it seemed. He couldn't help but smile. This wasn't the first time he was waking up with her watching over him, and he was glad, now as he was then, that she was here.

"You're awake." Rei said, as if that in and of itself was a curiosity.

"I didn't die, did I?"

"No. You are still alive."

"I'm glad."

Rei's puzzlement grew. It was clear to read, to a degree that surprised even Shinji.

"I think I was dreaming." Shinji said.

Rei nodded.

"Do you dream?"

The question caught her off-guard, and she physically backed away a few centimeters.

"I suppose I do." She said, "Everyone does."

"I never dream." Shinji said, "But I guess, things change."

He smiled.

"Thank you for watching over me."

A hesitant silence, and then...

The door bleeped lightly and slid open, hissing. Two steps into the room, Asuka, unseen by both, froze, crushed forms in hand.

"You're welcome."

Rei found that she, too, was smiling. He had seen that smile before, which made his grow wider. The door slid back closed and the lock emitted a loud clacking sound, as the clamp slid into place.

**12**

Shinji was the first to notice her. How kind of him, at least he pretended to give a shit. The look of embarrassment crossing his face was the final confirmation, his sudden need to half-heartedly tidy himself up (doomed to failure due to his lack of coordination and the need to actually do so) the last straw, his feeble attempt to prop himself up on his elbows the final insult.

Something in Asuka's head snapped and in that moment, everything came crashing down.

Rei barely had time to react before Asuka's fist collided with her head, rattling her teeth and making her lose all sense of direction as the impact threw her off of her chair. Before she could react, Asuka was on her, her foot raised to strike her stomach cavity. Rei let out a strangled yelp and doubled over, which didn't stop the redhead's assault. The blows kept coming.

"You don't save me! You don't move me! You don't hold me back! _You're not even alive!_"

"_Stop!"_ Shinji forced his body to let him rise, let him move. The bed sheets fell away from him as he managed to get his feet underneath him. He felt the cool air of the room against his foreskin and shivered to it. He shrugged it off. No. Let him be naked, let him be shamed – it didn't matter. Two feet from him, Asuka was flurry of strikes, all meant to hurt a balled up, shivering Rei.

"I said _stop!"_ Shinji slid his arms under Asuka's armpits and grabbed hold of her neck. Pulling with his elbows, he tried to drag her out of range. Asuka's head jerked forward and then smashed back, flat against his nose, and the sudden jolt of pain across his skull blinded him. His grip slackened as spots danced in front of his eyes. Asuka broke his hold and turned.

In that split-second interim where Shinji stood eye-to-eye with her, he saw nothing but pure hatred in her eyes.

Asuka's hands shot forward, mimicking the motion Unit 01 had made earlier that day, and found his throat. She moved forward, pushing him down. She climbed on top of him, straddling him, and her thumbs pressed down his windpipe. Shinji's hands locked on her wrists, trying to pull her off. His fingers slid on the slick fabric of the plugsuit. His lungs were screaming for much more air than he was getting. He could feel her hands tremble as she choked him.

"You!" she snarled, "It's you! What's the point of you, huh, Shinji Ikari!? Why are _you_ alive!?"

"A...suk...a... st... sto..."

No air. No breath. No escape. She would be seen. She would be heard.

"You don't get the best of me." Asuka said, leaning closer, "You're not my better. Not my equal! You can never be that, _never!_ That's why you can't save me – You can't! _You are not_ _good enough to help me!_" Brief release of the constricting grip allowed him to fill his lungs with blessed air, a second before her lips clamped onto his, her tongue sharply scraping across his. She withdrew, turned her head, and spat on the floor, "See? See how easy it is!? Who wants to kiss you? Who the hell even wants you!?" her grip tightened, "Who'd be disgusting enough to even want you!? Who the fuck _are_ you, goddamn it? You're nothing! You're just a big bright _nothing!_"

Shinji twisted his neck, bucked his hips in attempt to throw her off. He couldn't get a good grip to use his hands. She was like judgment on top of him – he was writhing underneath her, being crushed by her weight.

"Asu... ka..."

"You, you, you, _why?_ Why is it you!? I don't need anyone! Do you hear me, Shinji Ikari!? I don't need anyone else! _I don't need you!_"

In that moment, Shinji saw her. The room faded, Rei's painful whimpering breaking through as other sounds dissolved. He felt his fingers slip in through the small gaps left in her grip, gently holding her hands. She was still shouting, the vibrations made by her voice covered his face, as if her words were droplets of rain, soaking him. He saw her as she was, and his heart broke.

_I'm sorry._


	13. Cupola

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 12  
"Cupola"**

**1**

_I want to help you somehow._

_I'm not good enough for that now, but I can be, someday. I want to be._

_Don't hurt me anymore. Aren't you tired of the pain? I am._

_Don't push me away anymore. Don't shut me out anymore. I want to reach out to you. I want to catch your hand._

_But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pain, afraid of being lonely. I'm afraid that if I reach out, I'll find nothing to touch. I'm afraid that if I touch you, you'll break my hand and leave me alone with my broken wish._

_But I'm still here, aren't I?_

_When you look at me, I don't know what you see. I don't know why it's not good enough. Maybe it's because I am myself. But you didn't discard me. You stuck around. I hope it'll be something good, what you see when you look, something that I am... or can be._

_Because I see you, and you're killing me. You're murdering me._

_Is that what you need..?_

_Is that what you need from me..?_

**2**

A breath, at long last. Every single particle of air rushing through and expanding the lungs prominent, the natural process made almost painful by prolonged absence. The gasp heard was just the prelude to the harrowing cough, feeling as if it was tearing chunks off of lungs, beginning the cycle of not-enough-air and just-enough-air.

Noose around his neck, purple bruising that'd linger for some time, marking a time when it had choked him.

Breathless. Thrashing in place, head ringing, chest and throat racked with coughs, eyes seeing blind, no direction in the world.

Movement, little ways away. Cool, sterilized air running between his legs, briefly reminding him of his nudity before pushing it to the back rows of his awareness. Then it rises, the sight.

Bloody eye. Cut across the brow, bleeding into the eye that was swollen and shut. Pale cheek bruised, veins around the impact point spidering out, purple and dark red. The other eye, unharmed and squinting, was also blood red, the natural color of the iris recalling the vitae.

"Aya..." Shinji felt the words strain his throat, causing him to cough roughly, "...Rei?"

"You're alive." Rei said, her words strained, her swollen, cut lips making it painful to speak, "I..." a little more movement and she winced, her shoulders hunching by instinct, trying to relax the strain. She touches her side. It feels painful, the prospect of poking at her own body.

"Are you..." _of course she's not, _"...call someone. We should..."

Rei pointed at something behind him. Shinji turned to see the call button, red and gleaming. He reached over, coughing, and pressed it. Rei half-sat on the bed, one hand hovering over her side, where she could feel the ribs that were fractured. Shinji saw bruises on her hand, as well – one finger was bent the wrong way. He shivered.

"I'm... sorry..."

"This isn't your doing."

"...I can't... help more..."

"You're not a doctor."

"Well... no. I'm no... not."

They sat quietly, waiting for the nurse to come. Shinji was wheezing, breathing wasn't easy yet, and Rei was twitching with every breath as her ribs sent jolts of thin agony across her body.

That was when he heard it. Shinji realized then the knocked-over cabinet by the door, the tissue box once sitting atop it resting on the floor. The color red succeeded the line set by the toppled furniture, leading into the corner of the room – a body gloved inside a red plugsuit... limbs limp, slumped against the corner. Expressionless blue eyes, almost glazed over, staring off into the distance.

Two nurses burst in through the door.

Shinji saw that Asuka's lower lip was twitching. It almost looked like she was saying something... one word.

**3**

Misato slumped next to Shinji on the hospital bed, who had only wrapped the sheets around his waist for modesty's sake, as two nurses propped a delirious Asuka onto a wheelchair. They silently carted her out, one of them glancing at Misato only to receive a hand wave telling her that it was alright. Rei had been wheeled away also, and Shinji was trying hard to interpret the words "internal bleeding" as only a possibility – he kept telling himself that they did not have X-Ray vision to decide that from outside of her.

Breathing was still difficult; speaking, even more so. It felt like a razor wire noose had to be tightened around his neck in order for any word to be spoken. Recalling the state Rei was in, which, he guessed, would put her in bandages not unlike when he had first seen her, Shinji couldn't help but feel a bit lucky. He loathed himself for that small quarter given - he hadn't been able to prevent any of it.

Misato sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair. She sat there, rubbing her temples with one hand, the other one a clenched fist on her lap. Her breathing was ragged, almost as if she was the one who had just been strangled almost to death.

"What's going..." all he could manage was a hoarse whisper, "...to happen... to her..?"

"They'll keep us posted, but otherwise, I'm guessing, x-rays." Misato said, "A whole folder of them. She says her ribs are fractured, so they have to watch out for internal bleeding. The eye... well, I just hope..."

"I meant... Asuka."

"Oh." Misato was silent, "The Commander's still not back yet. Ultimately, it'll be his decision."

Shinji felt his blood run cold at the suggestion.

"For now, she's off to the psych unit. She also attacked someone in the Requisitions Department... for... well, that's not important. In any case, they'll keep her under observation. I don't know for how long, God... it's all a mess."

"Mis... ato..."

"I'm a total failure as a guardian."

"Don't say that."

"Anyway. I'll probably be demoted. Best case."

"Can they..."

Misato nodded.

"The Angel, the first predicted one, how it went... nearly losing you, Asuka's... this whole thing happened under my watch. I'm the one who's accountable."

Shinji didn't know what to say.

"I should've seen it coming. I should've... but it's too late now, anyway."

She stood up.

"I'll get you some clothes." She said, "You heard what they said, right?"

Shinji nodded. There'd be bruising. His throat would be swollen, speaking, eating and drinking would be painful for a couple of days to a week... nothing more. There'd also be the inevitable round of psych eval, but considering everything else, he thought it'd be a breeze.

"Good."

Misato wrapped her arms around Shinji and pulled him into a tight embrace. Lost in the folds of her jacket, Shinji could do nothing but return the gesture. It felt warm, as it always did. Warm and soft. When Misato let go, she reached over and clicked the red button.

"Let them do the work." She said, one hand ruffling up his hair, "I nearly lost you twice in one day. I'm not letting you out of my sight."

**4**

The car ride back home was silent. There was only the revving of the engine, the subtle, faint sound of tires rolling over asphalt, and the scenery Shinji had practically memorized the progression of, from the many evenings when Misato had driven them back home. They made a small detour upon Shinji's insistence. Misato waited in the car while Shinji, wearing an old scarf Misato had forgotten in the back seat around his neck, told Hikari that Asuka had been injured during training, and that while it wasn't too serious, they wanted to keep her under observation. He said he'd tell her about visiting her - policy and all that. Hikari told him to pass her best wishes, that she'd write if she couldn't be there. Shinji assured her that he'd pass it on – he was a pilot, they had to let him in.

Misato didn't quite understand why Shinji wanted to make her excuses right out the gates, but felt that this was one of the things she didn't have to completely understand. It meant something to him, and that was enough. Shinji didn't take the scarf off after he got back in, and was completely silent for the rest of the way.

Misato led Shinji into the apartment, now carrying the scent of a house that had been locked up while its owners were on vacation. PenPen's protestations came soon after the penguin's greetings, informing them that the fridge was almost empty. Once that situation was taken care of due to Shinji making the best of what was there, the contented animal took to wandering around them, curious as to why they were moving circles around one another.

PenPen also noticed that one particular person was missing from this picture, but this had happened before, and as such, it saw no cause for concern.

Misato and Shinji ate in silence. Shinji noticed that Misato was drinking a bit more than usual. It reminded him of his first night in the apartment. For him, even to slurp noodles hurt enough to water his eyes, to speak would be even harder, so Shinji shut up and let her do what she did. After he was finished, Shinji cleared his own plates up. Misato was lazily picking at her food still when he got to his room. Without bothering to turn on the lights, he sat down on his bed. The phone rang then. It rang again. Seeing that Misato hadn't moved, Shinji got up and went to pick it up.

"He..." the sound strained his throat more than most others, "Hello."

"_Shinji, is that you?"_

Kaji.

"Yes."

"_You sound terrible. Are you alright?"_

"It's nothing."

"_...it wasn't nothing, though, was it?"_

Shinji hung his head.

"_I know what happened. None of you noticed, but there are security cameras in those rooms, and we can request the footage. Just so you know."_

"Then you know." Shinji said.

"_I'm not sure what I know, to be honest. But, in any case, I do know for a fact that Misato's currently in a terrible mood. So, can you put her on?"_

"Sure."

"_Oh, and Shinji?"_

"Yes?"

"_It'll pass. Wounds heal and skin scars. It won't be as new, as before, but it'll be very, very close. And that small difference is a good thing sometimes."_

Shinji passed the phone to Misato and disappeared into his room.

**5**

Morning came with the warm light reaching in through the open blinds and the sounds of Misato stumbling around in the kitchen to find a bite to eat. Shinji, still in his school uniform and lightly coughing from his sore throat, groggily wandered into the kitchen to find Misato, wrapped in a towel, foraging in the bags from yesternight for something suitable.

Shinji quietly returned to his room and changed. He had very few civilian outfits, as he was either at school or in a plugsuit most of the time. He pulled on his dark jeans and a blue, short-sleeve button-up shirt. Hoping Misato had gotten dressed, he went out and found her in her uniform, drying up her hair.

"Good morning." He croaked.

"Good morning, Shinji." She said, "We don't have much in the way of breakfast. Want to go to someplace near? I'll drop you off at school afterwards."

"It's a Saturday."

"Oh. Well, NERV doesn't really do weekends, so I hadn't noticed... I'll drop you off at Toji's, or take you back here?"

"I'll come with you." He said, "But we have to stop by the... class rep's house first. If I know her, she'll have written... I promised to deliver."

"Shinji..."

"I want to. And Rei..."

"She's still in. They kept her overnight."

"I'm glad she's okay."

For a moment, Misato looked sadder than Shinji had ever seen her. It vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"Alright." She said, "So, what're you in the mood for?"

**6**

_Lastly, she pictured herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown-up woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: how she would gather about her other little children, and make THEIR eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream..._

"Hi."

Rei lowered the book and saw Shinji standing in the doorway. She closed the book and set it aside. It was difficult to gauge exactly how far he was, as bandages covered one eye. There was also a set of bandages over her left hand where her ring finger had been broken at the second knuckle. Shinji couldn't help but cringe. In his mind, he was also on the umbilical bridge, listening to Misato tell him that she would pilot Unit 01 if he wouldn't. He had, wanting to spare her, and he wondered if he could have spared her this.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Alright."

"Does it... hurt?"

"I have two fractured ribs."

"Oh." He averted his gaze, "I'm sorry."

Rei was a bit taken aback.

"What for?" she asked.

"I couldn't keep her from..."

"You don't control her actions."

"I don't think she was, either... in control."

"Be that as it may."

Silence, awkward for him, hung in the air.

"I brought you something." He said, "I didn't have... well, you know. I didn't want to come empty-handed."

He brought it to where she could see. It was an origami crane, folded very neatly, albeit from what seemed to have been an advertising menu from a noodle parlor. Rei took it by the wing and observed it. It was strange to her, different and yet unexplained.

"I..." Rei fumbled for words, "Thank you."

"It's just a crane." Shinji said, managing a rather meek smile, "For your troubles."

Rei couldn't help but smile back.

**7**

The door was white and thick, seemingly made of some sort of composite metal. It was decorated with an ID and print scanner on the left side, and had bulletproof glass on its observation window. He had secured an all-access badge from Misato, whom had given it to him with the assertion that one more breach of protocol wouldn't hurt her.

Standing in front of the door, badge in one hand, a letter contained in a sky-blue envelope on the other, Shinji felt as if his muscles had seized up. He couldn't move. His instinct was to turn and run away.

_I mustn't. Not this time. This is real. It really happened._

Flash-frame of her face as she was on top of him, strangling him... a snapshot of clarity.

Shinji slid the ID card. The lock clanked and the door hissed open.

**8**

The bed was by the window. It had a bedside table next to it, with a Styrofoam cup of water and her sync clips next to that. She was there, her red hair scattered across the pillow; a stark contrast with the pure white surrounding her. She was wearing a hospital gown, visible only through the sheets drawn chest-high. They were largely undisturbed. Impeccable, even. There was an IV of clear liquid feeding into her hand, dripping ever-so-slowly.

Shinji pulled up a chair, careful not to make too much noise – she was facing away from him, and he didn't want to wake her up if she was asleep. When he sat down, he saw that he didn't need to: her eyes were open. With an empty gaze, she was looking at the noon sky outside.

_What do I say..? What do I want to say? Will she even hear me?_

_I think... I'll just pretend that she does._

"Hello." He said. There was no response, no indication that she had heard him. The greeting hung in the air.

"I wanted to see you." He said.

The ambient hum of the room.

"I brought you something. It's not from me. I'm sorry. I told Hikari. Not what really happened, a version of it. She wrote to you. I'm putting the letter on the bedside."

He placed it a little ways away from the cup, thinking that somehow, the cup would do the letter harm. Once that was done, he was free to hesitate. He wanted her to hear him, and at the same time, didn't.

"What happened, I..." _come on, you coward, speak! Is this what you almost died for? Fucking silence? _"I'm don't know why I deserved to die. I don't know why I'm alive, either. This bruise..." his fingers touched his neck, he shivered at the thin strip of pain, "...my life was in your hands. I won't ask you how that felt. I don't want to know that."

No sign at all.

"There's so much that I don't understand. I don't know what to think anymore..."

Shinji sighed. It felt like talking to a wall, where he wanted the wall to respond, to tell him something. Like sitting in a seesaw by himself and expecting his imaginary friend to move it, as he did as a child. Looking at her, he saw no sign of consciousness, despite her open eyes.

"I'll go for now." he said, getting up. He returned the chair to its place, and headed for the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."


	14. Bye Bye Borderline

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 13  
"Bye Bye Borderline"**

**1**

Misato was tied up with work, leaving Shinji to wander around GeoFront. He first asked at the reception what he was allowed to bring in with him, for both Rei and Asuka, and got a fairly thick checklist of things he _wasn't_ allowed to. With the list under his arm, he was left largely to his own devices. He decided to pay a visit to Dr. Akagi, to ask about what had happened.

Dr. Akagi, surprised that he'd come to her, told him while chain-smoking and typing with one hand, about Asuka's plummeting sync rate and what had happened while he was inside the Dirac Sea. She also assured him that Misato wouldn't be demoted – she might have been if they had went with Plan B, which she didn't tell him what it was. She also assured him in between cigarettes that Asuka's state was most likely temporary – a "fugue" she said, but neglected to explain what that was to him.

She then asked him, out of the blue, what he felt inside Unit 01. He found it difficult to express. The entry plug smelled of blood, but it was warm and oddly comforting at the same time. Reminded him, he confessed with some hesitation, of his mother. Dr. Akagi's response was unreadable for him.

Misato found him a bit later in the waiting area, chugging carbonated drinks and chatting with Shigure on the subject of classical vs. modern music. She looked beyond worn out, there were dark circles under her eyes. She told him as they headed for the garage that Kaji would be joining them.

Kaji stayed over that night. Shinji opted to stay out of their way, even abstaining from cooking. He opted to play his cello instead, despite the late hour, and found himself progressing into improvised passages, using Misato's sobbing (and later, other, unsuccessfully hushed sounds) as a meter.

Come Sunday, Shinji first paid Hikari a visit, to give her the news. He assured her again that he'd let her know when non-NERV personnel could visit. Hikari passed a second, third and fourth letter to him, which he swore to protect with his life.

Afterwards, he went to the park halfway down the hill, where he'd arranged for Toji and Kensuke to meet him. He began by telling them about the SDAT player, about the truth behind the "fight." Kensuke, with a sly smile, said that he knew while Toji insisted that it was legit. Shinji said he knew how to throw a punch now; a mistake, as it prompted Toji to ask for a demonstration. So he did, he slugged him one, with Kensuke filming it as if it was an actual fight, even providing rousing commentary.

Shinji had Misato pick them up, and after dropping his friends off off, he went to visit Rei, this time in her apartment. She was reading the sequel to that book she was occupied with the last time (and what exactly was a "looking glass" anyway?), one she said was about a "semi-lucid dream sequence and nothing more."

He noticed that her underwear cabinet was serving as an altar for white, plastic bottles of various sizes – from pain medication to whatever she usually took.

Rei gave the first book to him, told him that he might enjoy it. Shinji accepted her gift with a smile and returned to the car. His smile waned fairly quickly once Misato drove away and in the direction of the hospital.

**2**

Asuka was waiting silently. She was on her side this time, facing the window still, and for a moment, Shinji thought she might have moved on her own. He then recalled that coma patients were often shifted around, to prevent bed sores. He also noticed the IV had been removed. Hikari's first letter was on her bedside, it had been opened, and it seemed, read. Pressure points from fingertips were apparent, especially at one spot where the pencil marks had been slightly smudged.

**3**

Monday saw his father return. He called for him, of course, and Misato.

**4**

_Misato, standing at attention three feet behind him, was silent, almost mirroring Vice Commander Fuyutsuki with her presence. The room was vast and largely undecorated, save for his father's desk, but his mere presence filled up most of it. There, facing one another, father and son appeared to be in a staring contest, one that Gendo Ikari would break._

"_Do you have anything to say?"_

_Shinji found that he couldn't smile, though he would have. He had thought about this, having known that it was coming. He had made sure he had an answer._

"_I did what I thought was right."_

_Gendo Ikari's face was a mask, giving nothing away._

"_Why did you cut the umbilical cable?" he asked._

"_Asuka..." he thought better to use a more official designation, "Pilot Soryu is unlike me. She works better under pressure. But she's also stubborn. If she had unlimited time, she would have insisted on having her way. But if she had only five minutes, she would have to focus on what was important."_

_Behind his teeth, Shinji had trapped another piece of truth, a piece of advice from Specialist Miyamoto: "it is generally a good idea to finish what you've started, and to use a full measure when doing so."_

_Gendo Ikari didn't flinch or move for a few moments. Then, as if contemplating still the statement, he just said:_

"_...I see."_

**5**

They had walked out of that room without any further comment. Misato kept her rank. Shinji kept an impression that his father was keeping a tight lip, but this time, for something different than he was used to.

**6**

Throughout the rest of the week and into the next, Shinji's time was spent going to school, visiting Hikari and Rei, reporting for a sync test, and then visiting Asuka, as regular visiting hours did not apply to him.

At school, the sudden absence of the glaringly obvious Asuka Langley Soryu, an unexplained bruise around his neck had forced Shinji's hand to spin a yarn, reciting what would be the official story, eventually. Hikari, Toji and Kensuke helped in making it believable, though Toji and Kensuke seemed to be on a confusion campaign, pitting contradictory versions of the story against one another in what they claimed was an attempt to pre-empt gossip by having all bases covered.

Shinji spent his afternoons on the roof with Rei, usually discussing the book she had lent him. They were now exchanging them, often based on Rei's bizarre requests. The news of a Unit 03 being prepared to be brought over was also a prominent point of discussion, whereby Rei had confirmed his suspicions that he himself was called "Third Children" because he represented the chosen pilot from an available talent pool, wherever that may be. The Fourth Children would be another one of the chosen.

His sync rate fell during his recovery, but never below 100%. After a few fluctuations, it found a comfortable place between 120% and 150%, and seemed to be stable. Dr. Akagi gave him a fair amount of reading material to help him understand what that meant, and Shinji still wasn't sure. But it comforted him that it wouldn't keep going up, and he didn't question it.

Kaji stayed over most nights, bringing a welcome change. As Misato was still swamped, he was the one who took him home from the hospital most nights, and had accompanied Shinji to her room a few times. Shinji wondered in those moments, albeit briefly, if he would have been a different person had his father been more like Kaji.

**7**

_The quiet night road rolled on by, Kaji steering rather casually with one hand. Shinji was watching the scenery he had practically memorized. He spoke first._

"_She walked today."_

"_Hm?"_

"_She got up and walked to the water machine." Shinji said, "She shuffled her feet... she looked like she was asleep."_

"_That's different." He said, "She's been moving though, hasn't she? She sat up the last time I was there. Nodded once, too."_

"_What were you saying?"_

"_I don't remember. Did you speak to the doctors?"_

"_They say she's responsive. They thought it was strange she wasn't speaking."_

"_But that's good, isn't it?" Kaji asked as he took a turn, "She's not in a coma. She's not catatonic. It means she can hear and understand. Anyway, you should ask Misato about that."_

"_Misato? Why?"_

"_Oh. Right, you don't know. Well..." he smiled, "Don't tell her that I told you. She'll have my balls for it."_

"_I swear."_

"_Misato was there during the Second Impact. She was saved, found in a protective capsule. After she was recovered, she didn't talk for two years."_

"_At all?"_

"_At all." Kaji said with a nod, "I've only read some official documentation, but you know what went down there, more or less. I don't claim to know exactly why she was silent for so long, but when it comes down to it, what she has seen must have taken that long to digest. See, it's when your thoughts can't absorb something properly that you get speechless. I know you and Asuka have your differences, but I don't know her as the murderous type... so, I guess, there must be something she's digesting as well."_

**8**

Shinji never got a response out of her. He still went every day, and began to take her home-cooked meals after the third day, navigating the contents by the checklist he had been given. He didn't know if she was eating any of them, as she didn't do so while he was there. He knew that she was reading Hikari's letters, as he always found the sealed envelopes opened and the pages marked with pressure points.

He also knew that he wasn't writing back, and hadn't called.

Most of his days comprised of talking to her, pretending that she was listening. He told her of what had happened to him, if something had happened at NERV. A few times, he imagined responses, but the Asuka in his head was strangely close to her external counterpart: unresponsive.

It was just a regular day when, on a whim, he decided that maybe he could play cello for her. He told her that, and found himself wishing he hadn't. The cello was one of the things in his life that he didn't know where he stood in relation to. He was playing it for Misato and Kaji, and often _because_ of them, but otherwise, he wasn't entirely sure. But it was something different, and if she didn't want to hear him speak, they could shut the fuck up and listen to the silence.

But he let the suggestion lie where it fell. He was almost out of the door when she asked him why.

**9**

"...why do you keep coming back?"

"I..." he felt confusion wash over him, "To see you. I mean, why else would I-"

"Just give up."

Shinji's eyes widened.

"_What..?"_

"I thought you'd give up on your own if I didn't do anything, but you're too dense to see that, it seems."

Shinji was speechless. Something was stirring in his chest.

"You keep coming around here like a little puppy dog trying to figure out what he did wrong. You haven't changed a bit. Still trying to say you're sorry. I hate it."

Shinji's mouth was open, but no words would come out.

"I don't want your damn pity." Asuka snarled through clenched teeth, "I don't want your charity, either." She fingered the plastic bag holding the food he'd brought, "And I sure as hell don't want your sympathy."

Shinji hissed through clenched teeth. He felt feverish with anger in that instant. All this time, everything that had happened... it was too much.

"I tried to kill you." She said. Her hands curled into fists on her lap, "Anyone with half a brain would stay the hell away from me. Not bring me pity gifts and stupid letters well-wishing for an injury that didn't even happen, not bring Kaji-san along for the show. Mein Gott, I-"

"_Shut the fuck up."_

Asuka peered through the corner of her eye and saw that he was trembling.

"I'm such an idiot." He said, "You're right, I am. I just never realized it until now."

Asuka didn't react, though her curiosity had piqued.

"Because I just don't get it, see... if you can't stand me, why didn't you finish the job and kill me?"

Asuka's eyes flew open, her body jerked, almost as if to make a sudden move towards him.

**9**

_Hands around his throat, his fleshy Adam's apple caving easily as she pressed down. His fingers were holding hers, it almost looked like the poor idiot was trying to calm her down. Hah!_

"_Asu... ka..."_

Don't say my name, don't you dare say my name!

You're killing him, Asuka-chan! You're killing him!

Killing who!? He's a cruel joke, nothing more! He doesn't even exist!

_She heard her own voice, screaming ire._

"_You, you, you, why!? Why is it you!?"_

And why is it? Shinji the Unstoppable, Shinji the Fearless, Shinji the Favored – the little wuss who always gets a free pass! Sync rate Infinite, like it means anything! _"I don't need anyone! Do you hear me, Shinji Ikari!? I don't need anyone else!"_ All I need is myself! I can take care of myself! I can fight my own battles! I can live on my own! _"I don't need you!"_ I don't need you at all!

_Shinji's eyes, barely open, looked at her own. She saw something, if only for an instant, break behind them. Saw what looked like sorrow surface. That was when Shinji's right hand rose and brushed, softly, against her cheek. He cupped his hand over it, and his fingertips feebly caressed her hair._

What are you doing!?

_His hand began to tremble, his arm was trying to hold on. His thumb gently slid on her cheek, as if to reassure. As if to comfort._

I'm killing you. I'm killing you right now. Your life is in my hands. I'm killing you and all you can do is tell me that it's okay? That it's okay to die? It's never okay! I...

_His hand dropped. It made a faint sound – to her, it was as deafening as a gunshot. He was still for a moment, and in that instant, she saw herself on the bed, with her own hands around her throat._

I don't want to die! Why!? Why would you want to!? Why would anyone want to!? I don't want to die, I'm scared of dying, I don't want to be a corpse!

_Her hands slackened. They were trembling._

Do you...

_She held her head. Something was expanding in there, it wouldn't fit, her skull was too small, her head was too small for it to fit, it wouldn't fit..._

I don't want you to die!

_Something broke. Asuka screamed and recoiled. She fell..._

**10**

"Fine." He said, "Have it your way."

He turned to leave.

"Oh, typical. You're running away again. See ya tomorrow."

Shinji shrugged.

"I'm not running away from you." Shinji said with a chuckle, feeling the pain, less than it used to be, travel across his throat, "I'm done. I'm not coming back tomorrow."

Asuka sneered. _As if. You-_

"Just so you know... I kept coming back here, because I want to know if you're alright. I'm bringing you food, because I've stayed here myself, and I know how dull hospital food can be. I said I'd play, because you don't want to talk, so maybe we should just shut the _fuck _up, then."

He shook his head.

"But it's impossible." He said, "In any case... I'll talk to Misato when I get back, see which one of us is easier to move out. I don't know when they'll let you leave, but I'll try to sort it out before you get back."

"Y-you're not-"

"Oh, and write back to Hikari for once. Or at least call. You've read the letters. She's worried sick about you, and she doesn't deserve this."

"Shinji-"

"Goodbye, Asuka."

He was out the door before she could say anything else.

_Looks like it's bye bye, borderline, Asuka-chan._


	15. Germany

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 14  
"Germany"**

**1**

Asuka waited patiently, one eye on the clock, knowing his small-margin punctuality and certain that he'd be there, apologizing for whatever he had said, without a clear idea as to what exactly he had said. But this time, he didn't come. The hour passed, and he was not there. Asuka shrugged it off at first – it was a fit. It wouldn't last long. She refused to complain to herself about the food in the evening. She refused to acknowledge that it was pretty bland and tasteless in comparison. She went to sleep, having surveyed her own chart and found out that she'd be held there until Sunday afternoon, pending a series of tests. Four days.

Shinji didn't come the next day either, but this time, at the hour of his regular visit, Kaji, wearing his charming smile and with his tie completely untied, walked in with his hands in his pockets.

"Kaji-san!" Asuka said.

"Hello, Asuka. Glad to see you're doing a lot better."

"If it wasn't for all those tests they have me do, I'd be out sooner. Most of them are pretty see-through, anyway."

Kaji pulled up a chair and sat down. He rested his chin against the back.

"I'm glad it's just you." She said, "We can be alone."

"Not sure if that's the best thing."

"Oh, come on! Didn't you miss me?"

"Now that's unfair." Kaji said with a smile.

"You're no fun."

Kaji's face darkened all of a sudden. Asuka felt something in the air, something she had never felt with him before. Light, very light tension.

"Asuka, I have to know... what did you say to him?"

"Who?"

"Shinji."

Asuka forced a shrug.

"I don't want to spend our time talking about him."

"Tough luck." He said, "He says he wants to move out. Misato had me looking for alternatives, since she didn't have the time."

"It's all talk. You know what he's like."

"He's serious. He says he wants to be out by Sunday. Now, I didn't yet ask them, but that wouldn't happen to be when you're coming back, now, would it?"

Asuka stumbled. He caught it, knowing the tells, but outwardly, she only appeared to be mildly annoyed.

"So what if it is? What do I care what he wants to do?"

"You are so stubborn, you know that?" he said, chuckling, "Shinji's got his issues. He has more weight on his shoulders than most his age."

"So do I! You don't hear me moaning about it, 'cause I know how to handle it."

Kaji raised an eyebrow, and that told her everything his mouth was not saying: _not so sure that you do as much as you say you do._

"He's still learning. He wasn't born into this, like you. He just woke up one day and there it was. NERV, EVA, his father, all of it. He was a flawed kid, but a good kid, a nice kid. A fragile kid."

Asuka tried not to flinch.

"And now he's walking around with bruises on his neck, still can't talk above a murmur, and he says he wants to leave the only thing close to a home he's known. He hasn't said a single bad thing about you, did you know that? He didn't even say why he wanted to move out. I worked that part out myself."

Asuka hung her head. Kaji had seen this response only once before, and knew that he was on the right track.

"He stuck by you after you... well. Whatever you did, or said, it was very cruel, Asuka. I don't know exactly what it was, since it's not my business to know, but I just want you to understand that you've hurt him terribly. And I just think, which is just me, by the way, he deserves a little better than that."

Kaji stood up and returned the chair. He came around and ruffled up Asuka's hair.

"So hang in there, yeah?"

**2**

Asuka left her room shortly after Kaji to go to the reception. For the first time since she had been put in that room, she called Hikari.

**3**

The remaining days passed by relatively quickly, owing much to the fact that she was allowed to read newspapers, at long last. There was nothing terribly interesting, of course, but she entertained herself by playing an impromptu cipher game, where she picked out individual words to string in a sentence, the goal being to make them as ominous as possible. This kept her occupied for a short period of time, and then there were more rounds of tests. Between neurographs and Rorschach blots and filling out forms full of stupid, neutral statements that could go any which way, Asuka always found herself back in her room.

She called Hikari every day, providing adequately detailed lies about her "injuries" (Shinji hadn't specified it, he had just said there was a danger period after she had come down from a critical point) so as to make sure she didn't know much, but knew enough. While it hadn't been said, Asuka guessed that NERV would want to keep the incident to themselves.

Shinji didn't come back again. Asuka waited, her patience growing thin until, on Saturday, she realized that he would not be coming back. She hid how she felt about it from the prying psychologists, and hid it well... well enough to hide it from herself.

When she closed her eyes to sleep that night, she saw the SDAT player... and how desperately he was begging her to not harm it.

**4**

"Are you coming in?"

Misato was waiting, her bare foot tapping on the floor, her thumbs hooked into her jeans' pockets. Asuka hesitated, without a clue as to why she was. She looked down. The threshold was marked, like the border of a different nation, so simple that it was almost invisible, but at the same time, too present to be ignored. She stepped over the line. Misato waited for a few seconds, and then headed inside. Asuka took off her shoes, placed them where they belonged. She took a breath, careful to make it look natural in case Misato was watching, and stepped in.

The house was the same. She found that she was expecting a mess, maybe a parade of empty Yebisu cans, clothes thrown everywhere... but it wasn't like that. One look at the place, and she wished that it was.

As tidy as it ever had been, the house was clean and orderly. Nothing at all had changed.

_It's like nothing happened. It's like I never was absent._

Asuka felt a displacement then, as if her own thought had transformed the apartment into that truth in a split second. She didn't feel like she had been gone at all. It was familiar, every corner, every piece of furniture, every irregularity and imperfection. In some way, she was happy to be back, in the same way she often was relieved to be home after a grueling post-battle debriefing.

Asuka thought of the threshold, of the moment she had stepped over it.

_This is Germany now._

The apartment felt free and open, a breath of fresh air. But part of her knew that this was because she and Misato were the only ones there at that moment. That part knew: he'd be back. He lived there, too. The conquered territory would become the warzone again.

"We cleaned your room yesterday, "Misato said, "Only surfaces. Fresh sheets. We didn't touch anything, in case you were wondering."

_We? You mean, he helped you do it?_

"And before anything else, let's get the obvious out of the way. This is your home. But it's his home, too. He's not going anywhere."

Asuka saw conviction in her eyes and a bit of anger in her voice.

"I know now that it's not a good fit." Misato said with a sigh, "But we'll make it work. Besides which, NERV refuses to relocate either one of you, so it's out of our hands too. It is what we have, and we'll make the best of it."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me." Misato said, "Not yet, at least. I'm not ready for it."

Asuka peered at Shinji's door. It was closed, a sight she had gotten used to prior to the Angel, but Misato caught it.

"Looking for Shinji?"

"N-not especially." Asuka said, reeling in her curiosity.

"He said he'd be at the park." Misato said, "You know the one?"

Asuka nodded.

"You can go, if you want. Not to see him," she added, perhaps a bit too hastily, ", but just to, I don't know, get some fresh air? Either case, just remember that we're on standby."

Asuka raised an eyebrow.

"Standby? You mean him, don't you?"

"You were cleared. You're still on active duty."

"What? I've been out of commission for two weeks, if not more, how am I-"

"You were never taken off the roster." Misato said, "Commander's orders."

Asuka smiled. She figured that a bit of pride wouldn't hurt her: she was, after all, irreplaceable. Pilot of Unit 02. Even after the disaster she'd rather not remember, even after her sync rate had dropped to zero, she had never been replaced or substituted for.

_Hah. I'm Asuka Langey Soryu. That's all there is to it._

"So, what'll it be?" Misato asked.

**5**

Asuka opted for a bath.

She found her room to be clean and orderly, her desk the usual mess. Just out of curiosity, she pulled her desk drawer. The broken SDAT player rattled, its smaller shards shifting. She closed it, still suspicious that they had seen it, that they knew, but quickly reeled herself in. Nobody knew. Nobody was going to know.

**6**

With the bath drawn, Asuka removed her clothes. Each article discarded brought more exposure, took away more of what was standing between her and the raw surfaces. The cold tile and the porcelain rim, rough now for however many years it had seen layers and layers of dead skin rubbed off on it. The thought made her stomach churn. She thought of all the dust motes floating in the air, and that they, too, were the same thing. Skin shed, skin discarded, skin surrendered to the flow...

_I'll shed some of my dead skin, then. Come out clean._

Asuka removed her sync clips and placed them on the window frame. The red gleam of their glossy surfaces made her smile.

She stepped into the tub. The water was hot at first, biting at her ankles, but it passed quickly. She crouched first, gradually positioning herself before letting go and sinking up to her neck. She let the motion carry her under. For a few moments, the world was away – under water, she felt completely safe. But she emerged nonetheless, brushing her wet hair back with both hands. She settled in within the moment. She relaxed, her head fell back and hit the towel. She watched the nondescript ceiling.

_It's like nothing happened... like I was here yesterday. Nothing's different._

_Isn't it? Maybe you should look harder, Asuka-chan._

Just then, she heard the faint, muffled sound of the apartment door sliding open, and a voice that she recognized announced that he was home before closing the door behind him. Asuka felt the comfort of shedding dead skin dissolve fairly quickly, eaten away by a rising, oddly blunted tension that spread from her head to her toes. Almost by instinct, she shifted in the tub, feeling the water bend around her as she pulled her knees up. Dust motes floated in the air, caught in the spot lights bleeding through the frosted glass of the small window.

The house seemed smaller now, somehow, and she felt like she was backed into a corner in the bathroom. The sense of familiarity that had welcomed her was replaced by uncertainty.

Asuka shook her head, grunting with frustration, and pushed the thought away. She tried to relax, released her legs, stretched out, but her body wouldn't settle. It was as if there had been a very specific position she needed to hold in order to relax. Her awareness constantly switched channels; her neck was too strained and when it wasn't, her legs wouldn't settle, and when they did, the towel serving as her pillow wasn't in the right place, and when it was, her hair was too dry at the roots...

She felt trapped.

_Maybe because the apartment is not that big... and neither is your room._

_Oh, so what? Why should I let it mean anything?_

She managed to settle back down, but now it just felt pointless. With a resigned huff, Asuka stepped out. A shower would be just as good, anyway.

**7**

After getting dressed, Asuka took a moment. Wearing one of her usual home outfits, short shorts and a tank top, she had her hair wrapped in a towel. Her plan of action was simple: get out, act like nothing's nothing, get to her room without stopping, and not get out unless it was absolutely necessary.

All it took was one step out of the door for that particular plan to fall apart.

There he was. Apron on. Straight-backed, eyes focused, hands like those of a surgeon, steady and precise, he was busy with the ingredients of whatever would be dinner after their ritual mutilation. He had the stove dominated with one frying pan and three pots, and the counter was occupied by an assortment of things necessary to do what he was doing. Asuka, one hand on the towel, hesitated.

"Dinner won't be long." Shinji said, without taking his eyes off the tomatoes he was dicing at an even pace, "Mr. Kaji will be joining us."

The tomato's end. Push with the blade. New one. Switch.

He wouldn't even look at her.

_Why does he even bother fucking saying anything?_

_Maybe he's just treading carefully, Asuka-chan._

_Treading where? There's nowhere to go in this place._

Asuka could only make a noncommittal sound, nod and force herself to walk instead of running. She passed by Misato, who was busy writing something (judging by the frequent appearance of the word "Evangelion" at a glance, drafting a report,) and walked into her room. She shut the door, cursing the lack of locks, but took comfort in the fact that the Wall of Jericho firmly in place.

The sense of safety disappeared when she recalled that the door was just made of wood.

**8**

Asuka wandered her room, like a rat trapped in a maze, going from one useless thing to the next, feeling like she could scream loud enough to shatter the windows and peel the wallpaper clean off. Her skin was itching from the inside, and every other moment recalled his distant voice, his eyes that wouldn't look at her.

"_Anyone with half a brain would stay the hell away from me."_

Asuka bit her tongue until it went numb from the pain.

**9**

Dinner was short, silent and strained. Shinji had worked his magic, it looked like something that would befit a special occasion. To Asuka it was delicious, familiar and oddly nostalgic. To Asuka, it was tasteless.

**10**

As Kaji ate his last mouthful, Misato opened up another can of beer, her fourth since they had begun eating, and Kaji lit up a cigarette, offering a compliment to Shinji's culinary skills.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Shinji said with a polite nod.

"Enjoy it while it lasts." Misato murmured.

"Now, now, Katsuragi, why go there?" Kaji asked, leaning back, "It's a nice evening."

"Go where?" Asuka asked, "What's going on?"

Kaji sighed.

"Well, you broke it, you buy it." He said.

"The next Angel is coming in three days' time." Misato said, "The MAGI's second prediction came in today."

Asuka felt her heart skip a few beats before starting to beat faster. There was a crawling sensation under her skin, and she could feel her palms going cold.

"Unit 03 will also be arriving an hour or so before that. Maybe even into the thick of it, I don't know, it's cutting too close..." Misato went on. She took a giant gulp of her beer, "So yeah. Now you know."

Asuka could feel Kaji watching her out of the corner of his eye as he smoked. She kept her palms flat on the table, feeling every irregularity in the wood, and faked being very interested in the pattern of Kaji's tie.

Inside, she could feel an emotion that was familiar yet foreign to her: fear. Fear, apprehension, rising panic all mixed into one, hissing in her mind like the valve of a pipe, screaming that it was about to burst from the pressure.

_I just got back to the land of the living, if you can even call it that, for God's sake!_

"Now that I'm back, we don't need the backup." She said.

Misato was silent.

"We are lucky that way." Kaji said, looking at Misato as if he wanted her to say something more on the subject, but Misato was lost in herself.

"I wonder who the pilot is?" Shinji asked, "They didn't tell us anything."

Kaji glared at Misato, who knocked the can back.

"Well, NERV likes to play it close to the chest." Kaji said, "You know last-minute these things are."

_I don't need another one in the mess. It'll just complicate things... needlessly._

_Is that really why you're scared, Asuka-chan?_

_Oh, fuck you! I'm not scared of anybody! Let him come - I'll show him how it's done!_

_I didn't say it was the new pilot you were scared of... or that it would be a boy._

_Shut up. Just shut the fuck up._

"Whoever he is, he better not get in my way." Asuka said, crossing her arms, "Three's a crowd already, and I don't need some newbie pilot slowing me down in the field."

Asuka pretended not to notice Shinji's sideways glance, just as she pretended not to notice Kaji's knowing half-smile. She pretended not to notice the bitter taste in her mouth.


	16. Philharmonic

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Movement 15  
"Philharmonic"**

**1**

Asuka dreamt of the hanging tree. A mighty, desolate tree without leaves, from the branches of which hung not fruit, but nooses. Some nooses were occupied by people billowing peacefully in the nightfall breeze, arms and legs moving loosely. Others hung hollow. She had no idea what she was supposed to do there. All she felt was fear. A crippling, ice-cold fear that reminded her, that the grassy field around her should not have smelled like antiseptic, plastic and hard-washed sheets. There was a bleeping sound, echoing in the air, distant and shrill, almost like a voice, a small voice belonging to a small girl...

_Ma-_

Asuka woke up to the start to her alarm clock's steady beeping. The metronome rhythm betrayed her racing pulse.

**2**

When she stumbled out of bed, she found the house empty. Checking the clock to make sure she was still on time, she saw that she was. Misato would be gone, she knew, on the eve of an Angel attack, as she always was. That only left...

There was a lunch box on the kitchen table, wrapped neatly in the red-cornered cloth Asuka had picked out for herself. There was a small piece of paper propped up against it. She touched it to see if it was last night's leftovers. The box was rather warm. The small piece of paper read:

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**Asuka Langley Soryuu**

Asuka noticed that his kanji was much more precise than the Latin letters scribbled underneath it.

"_You're the genius, you figure it out."_

Asuka clenched her teeth.

_Of all the shit you could pull, you-_

_Now, now, Asuka-chan, let's not go somewhere we'll regret going, shall we?_

_Regret what? He's only doing this because I told him to!_

_Is he, now? For someone who's "staying the hell away from you," he's very nice about it._

_Whatever. It's too early to deal with all this anyway. I'm not going to let this stunt fuck up my day._

**3**

After getting ready as usual, Asuka gently plucked the bento box from the table and stuffed it into her bag. It was a tight fit, but it wouldn't be damaged. She went out, into the smell of the sun lingering in the air. With her sync clips in place, her school uniform that despite its rather plain style fit her tightly in all the right places wrapped around her, she felt the tension of the mocking note melt away. It was like it had never even happened, and she hadn't taken the time to burn it on the stove.

Once she was set on the road, she found that she felt refreshed; almost beautiful, in a way.

The heat radiating off of the asphalt didn't bother her as much as it used to, the symphony of cicadas following her made for another small game, where she kept rhythm with her steps to interrupt their near-ambient chittering, composing a unique kind of music.

_None of this will save me._

But none of it would kill her, either. Humming to add a third instrument, Asuka made her way down the hill, her own philharmonic, making something beautiful out of nothing.

**4**

Hikari greeted her more warmly than she had imagined. Before Asuka could do anything, she rushed to her and pulled her into a tight hug, telling her how glad she was that she had recovered, asking her about the injury Shinji had made up. Asuka, feeling discomforted for having to lie to her friend, decided to lie with the truth. She twisted a few facts, omitted a few crucial ones and made her story fit into the cracks of Shinji's. They went to class, chatting away about normal, trivial things.

Upon entering the classroom, Asuka missed a step. He was there, too. Sitting in his corner, chin cradled in his palm, staring out the window. Daydreaming, no doubt, of whatever stupid things he daydreamed about.

"And the Red Baroness returns."

Asuka glanced over her shoulder to see a grinning Kensuke. She simply scoffed, and got to her seat.

"What, no comeback?" Kensuke asked. Asuka's death glare made him smile, but she could see that his smile was tense, not happy. When she turned to Hikari again, she was smiling, too.

Kensuke's voice piercing through the morning chatter as he went to engage Shinji as if he was engaging an enemy (_as if_), she caught a look of concern on Hikari's face.

"What's wrong?" Asuka asked.

"He didn't show up today."

"Who didn't?"

"Toji."

"There's still time. He's probably practicing his manly postures in the boy's bathroom or something."

_Asuka-chan!_

Hikari flinched. Asuka's half-smile vanished.

"It's not like him." She said, "They'd tell me if he'd called in sick."

"Doesn't he visit his sister some days?" Asuka asked, unsure if knowing that was a good thing or not. Hikari shook her head.

"Not today."

"How do you know that?" Asuka asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm the class rep. He always tells me the day before. It's not like him..." Hikari crossed her hands on her lap, "It's just not like him."

**5**

Classes went by in a blur. Stupid kanji was written on the board. Stupid kanji was in her books. She was writing less precisely than Shinji fucking Ikari had on his motherfucking note. Still, she wouldn't be caught dead lagging behind just because of that, in fact, knowing what she knew, she was leagues beyond any other foreigner. On a league of her own, higher on the food chain.

Still, she thought about one of Kaji's observations, that school was too much like institutionalized torture where you did learn a few things, and those only by accident. The break periods were when Asuka learned, entirely by accident as she wasn't splitting her attention to eavesdrop on a particular loser, no way, that Shinji had told those in the know the bruises on his neck was due to him trying to put on a tie. He had, the story went, fumbled the knot and had found that he couldn't relax it until the stupid thing was choking him. Misato had saved him right after he had passed out.

Asuka learned this via Kensuke, his voice breaking through a few boys from other classes, interested to hear why Shinji had tried to hang himself. So the rumor went, it seemed.

"Even if that were true, chief, I still say those look like finger marks."

"No, you see..."

It was one of Kaji's, one of those thin ties you see on those weird musicians nowadays. Plus, he had twisted it tight enough and in attempt to pull it loose...

"...I basically choked myself with my own hands."

Hikari's absent-minded chatter about carrying furniture into the shelters so that they wouldn't need to kneel on mats faded into the background, as did the rest of the idle voices resonating through the classroom.

_Why are you lying to them? Why aren't you just telling them what happened?_

Asuka glanced at her notebook, at the crooked edges of imprecise strokes.

_Why don't you just say something..?_

**6**

_With his own hands. But those weren't his own. Those hands were mine._

_Maybe, Asuka-chan, he means it._

Asuka stood up to feign respect for her teacher, whatever her name was.

**7**

Lunch hour came, prompting a rush to find the nearest available food source and deplete it as quickly as possible. Lunch hour normally had an urgency, Asuka had noticed, as nobody in the school knew if they'd be able to eat, or if they'd be killed by an Angel's careless swipe, or rushed to the shelters before they could get a single bite in. For Asuka, this was different only in the way that if she wasn't actually killed, she'd have to rush to the nearest NERV center to get to GeoFront. LCL satiated her hunger, but it just wasn't the same.

As the bell rang its last, Asuka, almost instinctively, turned to a particular seat. Right on cue, he got up, took his lunch, and walked out of the classroom. Kensuke, as if also on cue, got his own, and engaged some of his other friends. Asuka ate with Hikari, distracting her with anecdotes of what her injury had been like, peppering it with unnecessary details, technobabble and medical jargon she had picked up while she was in the hospital. She distracted her to distract herself from her awareness of something else.

The dull needle kept prodding.

Asuka caught a silent moment, and then, excusing herself, walked out of the classroom. She headed for the roof exit, wading through hordes and hordes of students, catching stray words and half-sentences along the way. She felt like she was running a gauntlet through the crowd.

She was a few steps away from the door of the staircase when it opened, letting Rei Ayanami through. She stood in the doorway, face expressionless, one pale hand holding the door open.

"Can I help you?" Asuka asked.

Rei didn't say anything. That she was standing there like a mannequin began to make Asuka's blood boil.

_You freak._

"Do you mind!?" Asuka asked, cocking her head towards the staircase. Rei lingered. Her blank expression, glazed-over eyes and silence reminded Asuka of the dream she had had... of all the nooses billowing gently...

_You fucking doll._

"Get out of my way!"

Rei shuffled aside, pressing her back against the door and holding it open, still. Asuka felt her eyes follow her. As she brushed past, the redheaded pilot spied something Rei was holding close to her chest. Her pale, thin fingers were even paler by the force with which she was holding onto the worn-out book.

_Peter Pan._

Asuka shuddered. She was glad to be in the semi-dark of the staircase leading to the roof. There was a light, however faint, at the end of that particular tunnel.

**6**

He was lying on his back, in the shade of the dysfunctional air vent exhaust, one arm tucked behind his head. Asuka saw, upon taking a slow step towards him, that black earbuds were lodged in his ears. On his chest, cradled gently under his free hand, was the bulky, familiar shape of the SDAT player. For a moment there, she thought, and somewhat shirked from the thought that, he had maybe found it in her desk drawer after all, and had fixed it.

_Even worse... that means he knows I still keep it._

Asuka shook her head. He had probably gotten hold of one of the seven forms she had marched into his hospital room with.

Shinji hadn't yet noticed her. His eyes were closed and one of his fingers on the SDAT player was tapping rhythmically. His head would move, just slightly, forming another component of the rhythm section.

_He looks... so immersed. At peace._

She considered turning around and heading back down. A flash in her mind and her hands recalled being Kaji's tie that wouldn't relax. The memory of is caress resurfaced, overwhelmed her. She began to sweat profusely, her pulse rising. She took a deep breath to steady herself and pushed it down.

_There'll be time for that in just a few moments._

_Come on, Asuka-chan._

_Quit it. Here I go._


	17. Epilogue (Mosquito Coil)

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Epilogue**

**(Mosquito Coil)**

Maaya Sakamoto's _"Birds" _was one of the tracks in his mixtape, Shinji's awareness of the contents placing it at 24. He was rather fond of the lyrics; _"I'll fly through the air and reach out, no matter what."_ It used to make him think of flying away from his aunt and uncle's backyard shed. Now it reminded him of night-time Tokyo-3 spreading before him as he piloted Unit 01 for the first time. He knew he was probably remembering the incident differently than it had actually been, but he didn't care. Sometimes, it was alright to lie.

A shadow falling over him jerked him away from the song, which was almost at its end. He squinted, trying to see.

Familiar red hair shifted his thumb to the stop button and the sounds of the world around him came flooding in.

As Shinji took out his earbuds, Asuka smiled.

"You're in my spot." She said.

Shinji sat up. He wrapped the headphones around the player, and stood up without a word. He made it three steps before Asuka's hand on his shoulder gave him pause.

"Can we talk?"

Shinji's expression told her that she needed to be a bit less aggressive.

"Please."

She sat down and crossed her legs. Shinji followed suit and plopped down next to her.

"I see you have a new one." She said.

"Yeah."

"The old one's in my desk drawer."

Shinji cast a curious glance at her, trying to see if she was serious.

"I tried to fix it after you left. I couldn't figure it out, it was too old... but I didn't throw it away."

"...thanks."

"Gott in Himmel, this whole thing is _so _fucked up."

"I guess."

"I'll be honest with you..."

"Okay."

"I don't want you to die." Shinji looked to see her look away, "I don't want you to hurt. But, like with other things, sometimes you just let me. And if you let me, I will."

_You are open to me, that I know. You keep most at a distance, but if I want to, I can reach in. To be open is to be vulnerable... and you will never know._

"When you were in there, with the Angel... I tried to do something. Anything. I couldn't. And you know what their plan was? What they would have done unless you got out?" he shook his head, "They were going to have us cancel the A.T. Field and then they were going to bomb the living shit out of it... and you."

Shinji swallowed hard.

"I... couldn't do anything." She took handfuls of yellow fabric into her fists, "I rushed ahead, and I would have made it, too... but then..." she hissed through clenched teeth, "You and your over-hundred-precent."

"I never thought it'd give me an edge over you." Shinji said, prompting her eyes to fly wide open in surprise, "I was 60 plus on my first run, yeah, but I couldn't even walk properly. It only means something if... strange stuff happens. Or if I was like you, born a pilot. I'm not. I'm just the Third Children. That whole training thing was because my father knew I was just making it up as I went along. That I was just getting lucky." He smiled wistfully, "When Dr. Akagi first said it, I... I was happy. If I could pilot better, then I would be more useful."

"I just might strangle you right now. _Again._"

Shinji's hand shot up to his neck. Asuka caught the move.

"Own up to it." She said, looking him straight in the eye, "You came way too far for someone who was just winging it. Don't cheapen it by making excuses for it. It's outrageous and is an insult to me."

Shinji took a moment. Then he laughed. As Asuka watched him, wondering if he had finally snapped, he smiled at her. She felt something stir in her chest, something warm, at the genuine emotion he was baring to her – she felt as if she was staring right into his soul.

"I missed you." He blurted out. The way he said it prompted a blush on her part, which, in turn, put her in a place she didn't like being: she stumbled. She fumbled for words.

"W-well, I'm here, a-and it's not like... it's not like anyone noticed."

"Well, I did." He said, "But... there's one thing..."

"Oh, out with it."

"Why didn't you kill me?"

Asuka looked down.

"Because I don't want you to die, like I said."

"You seemed pretty sure back there."

"I don't always know what I want, alright?" she said, huffing, "Or how I want it. Like that..." a painful memory, _swallow it down, just this once, make an exception, then you'll bury it._ "...like that night."

"I remember that you cut off my air supply then, too."

Asuka turned crimson.

"Idiot! That's not the point!"

"Then what's the point?"

_Come on, Asuka-chan._

Asuka caught his –now curious- gaze.

"I'm sorry." She said, "I'm sorry."

Shinji moved before she could stop her, and wrapped his arms around her. Asuka was startled beyond the telling of it – she was both irked by his sudden closeness, but some part of her liked it. Liked that he was making a move, bridging the gap. Her reaction was light and reserved, her hands on his back, but she could feel his warmth, under her palms and against her, and found herself liking it, if only slightly.

He pulled back before too long, muttering an apology. She rolled her eyes.

_Some things will never change._

"So, umm..." Shinji said, "What now?"

"We have a sync test after this, so I say we ditch the afternoon class."

"We can't do that!"

"Why not?" she asked with a smile. She got up and offered her hand. After a moment's hesitation, Shinji took it and rose to his feet.

Asuka lead on and Shinji followed her down.


	18. Coda (Something for the Pain)

"_**Porcupine Embrace"**_

**Coda**

**(Something for the Pain)**

With a desperate scream, Shinji's fist slammed onto the wall, again and again and again until his hand, broken, or so he hoped, refused to move. It hung limply by his side. He stared at the bloody cavity he had made. Raw pain traveled across his arm, pulsating. His heart was pounding. Sweat was pouring out of every pore and breathing heavily, Shinji felt his knees buckle and fell to the floor. His forehead brushed against the wall. The wallpaper felt rough against his skin.

Inside his chest, there was a surge, an energy that kept expanding. No matter how hard he tried to expel it, it was still there, clawing at his skin.

"It's useless..." he heard himself say, unaware that he was even speaking, "It's too late..."

When the tears came, he didn't know how many times it had been. His eyes ached, the distant memory of the bathroom mirror told him there was no white left in them. As Shinji wept, one thought kept repeating: _All I can do is cry. I'm completely useless._

His father's voice, buzzed from the intercom, echoed in his mind.

_"Because I have a use for you."_

_Is this the use you have for me, father? Is this my use? To kill?_

A sliver of sensation different from pain emerged in his palm. The minute details of an entry plug being crushed inside of it made him shudder.

_I held his life in my hands..._

The ghost memory clinging to the fading bruises on his neck.

_I know what that's like now... and I know what it's like to go over that line... not being able to stop myself..._

The vivid memory of that sound – the groaning metal, the cracking surface, the screech of the shattering.

_With my own hands... with my own hands..._

His hand was screaming now, making pain. To Shinji, it was as if this was all his hands were good for, creating pain. He looked at it, at the torn skin hanging from bloody knuckles... the blood was in his palm, marking the lines in white.

_There's blood on my hands. My only saving grace is his breath..._

His stomach churned. Shinji barely kept the bile down as he stood up and rushed out of his room. He turned and barged into the bathroom, barely registering a high-pitched sound before puking his guts out. Dry heaving on his knees, Shinji found that his head was vibrating. It wasn't a headache, not a bit, it was rather this feeling of a hand inside his skull, squeezing its fingers, putting pressure on his brain.

_I can't... I can't..._

Asuka carefully adjusted herself in the tub, her every move calculated and precise. She studied him as he slowly pushed himself back up to stand on shaky legs. He bent down to recover the first aid kit from under the sink. He pulled out the tools necessary as best as he could with one hand: antiseptic, cotton, bandages, and scissors. She was frozen in the water, silent as the walls around them, watching him patch himself up. He did a piss-poor job of it, had parts of his pants bleached with stray droplets by overdoing the antiseptic... but he wrapped his fingers rather skillfully, and extended the bandages to his wrist. Asuka realized that he was copying Misato.

Asuka saw him stumbling to regain composure, trying to reel himself back in. He placed the surplus materials back in the box, threw away the bloodied wads of cotton. He looked at himself in the mirror, wiped away his tears.

"I got into a fight." He said, and for a moment, Asuka thought he had noticed her in the bath. When he paused, she knew that he hadn't. "I won." His Adam's apple strained as he swallowed hard, "I nearly killed him. Nearly... killed him."

Shinji walked out. For a while, there was no sound. Asuka slowly settled back. She found that the water was slowly going cold and it didn't feel clean anymore.


End file.
